ouch. ouch. ouch.

ouch.

i just practiced unicycling for two hours. can anyone say bruises? maybe. i don't bruise easily, but my thighs are extremely sore and lately my skin's just been slicing itself open. i mean that, too. i haven't cut in months. random cuts, all over. maybe i'm scratching in my sleep. but i don't know.

i owe you a story, the one i promised i'd give earlier. about why i have commitment issues. i wasn't in a relationship or anything, haha. i was just being... well, myself. but come on, what girl hasn't liked a guy and found out he has a girlfriend but still felt some serious chemistry going on? don't leave me hanging here. but then, i've got that whole free love mindset, so i'm not really into relationships anyway. which, i guess, is why i'm not in one. haha. i don't make sense, even to myself. ah well.

i just got a very excited text from one of my favorite friends about a concert happening HERE in november by one of our favorite bands. the band that actually made us friends. (whatevs.) anyway, i'm really going to do my best to be at the very most one hundred pounds then. in november, on the nineteenth (maybe). i was thinking tss, but then i just binged on vegetables. (healthy, but bad idea.) then i was thinking abc, since if i started tomorrow, day 31 would be halloween, which would be PERFECT, because it's got a lovely eight hundred calorie limit that day which is just enough for me to enjoy a pack of skittles. but it's also fifty days, and that would make the last day-- the last fast day--the day of the concert (maybe). then i was thinking sgd, but it looks like the kind of diet where you'd have more of a chance of success if you started day one on a monday. and then there's like giovanni's but for the life of me, i can't see why anyone in their right mind would want to drink two tablespoons of olive oil. so that's not even an option.

so i figured i'd flip a coin or something. but then i thought, duh, screw the fast day on the last day of the abc. it's perfect. and plus, Sam Lupin is like, amazingly inspirational. so there. that's it.

and ouch, it took forever to type this because my fingers are sore from pushing off of walls to retain my balance on a one wheeled instrument of death. but it burns way more calories than attempting to ride a bike with flat tires, or using roller skates that barely fit six years ago. so yeah. bruises, sore thighs, slight inability to blog about it-- totally worth it.

thanks, sam. and all of you, for putting up with my insanity. i'm going to go massage these tired muscles, look for odd jobs so i can go to this concert, and read books. lots of books.

speaking of books.... i forgot to do my homework again.

i knew i left something off that to do list.

honestly.

smells like teen spirit.

now i know why i have commitment issues. i think people are too quick to jump into relationships sometimes. and then you can't just break up with someone when something better comes along (unless you're a heartless jerkface). it's a long story. well, no it isn't. but i'll save it for another time.

yesterday was wonderful. i got back on the horse. the crazy one without reins that just gallops wherever it wants to. i kept saying things to people like, "the media monkeys and their junky junkies will invite you to the plastic pantomime. throw their invites away." actually, that's from flight of the conchords. but i said things that were really similar to that, i swear. made less sense when i said it, though. so yeah. whenever i'm on this horse, i do things i wouldn't normally. sometimes my skin gets really hot. lots of adrenaline. pure madness. hard as shit to talk to people, though. i mean, it's not like here, where i'm typing and you're reading. my words come out too fast and i'm speaking in metaphor. as opposed to when the horse throws me to the ground and i can't talk to anyone without self-analyzing every word i said. i feel like i was going to say something. uhmmm....

here it is :) i think i'm addicted to water. which is a really weird thing to be addicted to, and i'm not entirely sure when it happened. but whenever i have this metallic kind of taste in my mouth (like right now), i go drink water. and not like, eight fluid ounces or anything. more like thirty four. or sixty eight. yesterday, i drank seventeen ounces before class, thirty four in class, and then another seventeen when class ended. and each time it only took about twenty seconds. if even that much. (the guy next to me was counting. he thought i was some sort of paragon.)

anyway, that's my new thing. i drink water like it's going out of style. and i met this girl who lives in my neighborhood-- she's in my class and lives DOWN THE STREET-- and she said she's addicted to caffeine, and i was like, oh. that's cool. i've also become obsessed with reading labels. just as a pastime. i read labels of foods other people are eating. not too obviously, of course. and i always notice when people are eating now. like, i walked into my first class yesterday and it seemed like half the class was eating. maybe because they were. i was really focused on what they were doing. i feel like such a weirdo, haha. this girl had like this pasta kind of thing for breakfast (obviously, it was morning), and then she pulled out a bottle of water and put it on her desk. and i stared at the water. waiting for her to drink it. she didn't. i was so disappointed.

and math. i've been doing a lot of mental math. and math in class. i don't even have math this year. that reminds me, i have some conversions to look up. and this book came in the mail yesterday. well, two. second star to the right by deborah hautzig (which everyone quotes, so dammit, i'm just gonna read it) and manic, which is by terri cheney who has bipolar disorder. and i think i'm going to reread hurry down sunshine by michael greenberg. his daughter has bipolar disorder. i met him. pretty interesting fellow.

the only problem with this horse is that i can't control it. i'd rather control it than have it control me. (isn't that how we all are?) i can tell when it's going to throw me off, though. everything seems to happen faster. everything is more exciting. and there's this strange tension at the edges of my mind. by then it's only a few hours-- if even that much-- before i'm feeling low again. i like being on the horse though. i can't remember the last time i just felt normal. at least when i'm on the horse, my energy is contagious.

someone once told me i'm like a snort of cocaine.

that's a good thing, in my opinion. it's probably better if people are addicted to me instead, right? haha, forget i said that. i'm going to go do things now. write out my to-do list, so i don't get distracted. sixty eight fluid ounces for breakfast, sixty eight for lunch, sixty eight for dinner, and sixty eight for everything in between. sounds like a lot, but it isn't.

okay, i've got a lot of cleaning to do now. i think i feel bouncy today. like a beach ball in water. or is that buoyant? dunno. doesn't matter. hope you have a nice day too. :)

honestly.

a fond farewell.

i had my last meal this morning. last night, it took me a while to swallow my food. i was sitting, chewing, and i needed to talk. but i couldn't swallow. it was very uncomfortable. but i couldn't just sit with food in my mouth. so i ate. it was weird. it took more self control to eat than not to. so that's it then. i had breakfast with my mom. a bit of oatmeal. about half a cup. with banana sliced in.

the only thing i'll be having from this point on is water.

which isn't to say i won't eat again at some point. but not for the next few weeks. my friend told me his girlfriend gained 'a little weight'. of course, if it was just 'a little weight' he wouldn't have noticed it. and especially not in her face. (i think that's like one of the last places weight goes. at least for me. i don't know.) anyway, for some reason, that makes me even more determined to not eat. i'm not overly fond of her. (i may have mentioned this on several occasions.) 

i think i'm done procrastinating. for now. my schedule is going to be pretty packed today. i've got to run into people, stay away from people, start homework and finish homework. and i've got new music to listen to. l'amour by carla bruni. (i want to learn french so badly.) and now i've got to walk the dog and get ready to go to hell. i mean, school.

college. the best way to increase my blood pressure.

i mean, seriously, could the mirrors in the bathroom GET any bigger?

honestly.

shatter the looking glass.

this theory intrigues me. so much. it's a three part theory.

part one. we imagine how we appear to others.


let's say you've grown up with the same family friends for years. practically your entire life. let's say your friend's mother took to calling you "ugly" as a nickname, not too long after you started junior high. she calls you "ugly" so much that you begin to believe that you are in fact ugly. you imagine you appear ugly to everyone.

part two. we imagine the judgement others may make based on that appearance.


now you know you're ugly. what is it about you that's ugly, though? she never said, she just said you were ugly. maybe it's your hair. so you cut your hair one night, when your self hate has made it impossible for you to sit still. she still calls you ugly. it must be something else then. is it because you wear glasses? maybe. you try contacts. she laughs at you. still calls you ugly. you go through everything you can think of. what could it be? you're ugly, but her daughter isn't... oh. of course. you must be fat. her daughter is twig skinny, although shapeless, virtually hairless, and with discolorations all over her skin. never mind that some people think you're pretty, that you have wonderfully soft hair and great skin for a teenager. you're fat. you're ugly. and that's the first thing people notice about you, obviously.

part three. we develop ourselves through the judgement of others.


she still calls you ugly. you must still be fat. you decide to lose weight. someone else pinches your cheeks one day, tells you they're getting a little fat. you notice that word a lot now when people talk to you. or when people are talking around you. you become obsessed with watching how people eat. the difference between fat people and people who aren't fat. you need to lose weight. it becomes your main thought, all day. you can't even focus on other things anymore. you begin withdrawing into yourself. you still talk to people, but not about things that matter. not the way you used to. you hate yourself now, because people think something's wrong but nothing's wrong and everything's wrong. you can't explain it, it eats you from the inside out. no one notices that you've lost weight. you must still be fat. so you decide to keep losing weight. until you're not fat anymore. until you're so small that everyone notices and no one can say you're ugly.


at least, that's how it was is for me.

that being said, i broke my fast. yes, i could have continued. i wasn't hungry. but this one, i can forgive. one of my best friends is really depressed. his mom is just not taking care of him or herself or anything at all. they don't have water, they don't have food (which makes me wonder how they're even still in the house to begin with), and he hasn't been to school in a while. she even sold his t.v. so we ate something together. i didn't want him to feel ashamed. he's that kind of person that would be embarrassed by having someone get him something to eat. it's like, at least if i eat with him, he won't feel as bad. so we ate a little together. i'm glad at least i didn't binge, mostly because our conversation was too depressing for anything like that.

i'm not giving up on this though. and i'm NOT going to see the scale go up tomorrow. i'm disappointed, yes. but he's one of my closest friends, and i can't see him like this and not try to help. it's heartbreaking. if he hadn't told me, i wouldn't have guessed. if he wasn't so tough, he would have cried. i know i want to. for a lot of reasons.

it always rains the hardest on the people who deserve the sun.

honestly.

i want to walk in the snow and not soil its purity.

i was listening to 4 st 7 lb by manic street preachers all day yesterday. i loved that band for years and i never heard that song until a few days ago. terrible. and i'm going to listen to lots of nirvana today. i didn't wear the stockings, because i found these really blue ones in my room. so i wore those instead. i'll try to take a picture of them, as soon as i find my camera. :)

i made up this silly game yesterday, where every time i saw someone really thin, i'd drink seventeen ounces of water (takes twenty four point six seconds). i didn't think i would drink as much as i did. but when i got home last night, i was like, three pounds higher on the scale. (and i basically spent my breaks at school IN the bathroom.) it was torture. see, last time that happened, i broke and started eating. and i had basically no homework due today, which is even worse. too much free time. but thank goodness water fasting drains your energy. i totally fell asleep while reading a book. must've been mid sentence or something. it didn't help that this sad feeling kept creeping around me yesterday. at one point, it slipped inside my rib cage and sat in a really awkward position between my lungs. i felt like i couldn't breathe.

but i feel better now, because i haven't eaten and i'm finally down to one eighteen point two. (again.) but this time, i'm not going to screw it up and binge on vegetables. i'm going to keep fasting. day four of water fasting. yay :) i thought i knew how much i would weigh by day twenty one of this, but i can't be sure anymore. so i'm just going to keep my fingers crossed.

there's this girl i have class with. she's so tiny. she looks like a doll. she's really pretty. she's my in-school thinspo. (don't have much of that. most of the girls in my major are like, huge.) gosh, i hope someone says that about me one day. anyway, i'm really glad i stuck it out. i should definitely stop weighing myself as much as i do. that being said, i'm going to weigh myself again now before i get ready for school.

old habits die hard, you know.

honestly.

curiouser and curiouser.

i wonder how many people notice us, but we don't notice them because we are too busy noticing someone else who will never notice us.

if this is another one of those highs before a really serious low, i'm riding this manic horse into the ground.

anyway, good day today. didn't wear the stockings. forgot i had them in the wash, never dried 'em. but i will tomorrow. good thing i didn't today. yesterday, i didn't eat. today, i didn't eat. cheers! so almost two down and nineteen to go. really fun. if i ever i want to eat, i think i'll listen to hocus pocus by focus because something about it makes me think of hard exercsise. don't know why. but so far so good.

sometimes i'm really glad that my mood swings way up and i feel effervescent, but sometimes i think about it and i go, i must be mad. see, today i was in an amazing mood. and i still am, although i'm controlling it better. but when i'm in a super great mood, i tend to get a little.... oh, i dunno... reckless. i'll walk into the street, skipping and singing when a car is speeding towards me. among other things. and i just flirt with everyone. i mean, geez. that's not always a problem, yeah, but it's probably not such a good idea to smile at almost every guy i see. 


unless it's green eyes. (that's right, i have another crush. so sue me.) he's been in the background since school started. he was there when i faceplanted into a wall, and he was there for every moment when i tackled red. anyway, he smells good. it's really weird, but for most guys i like, the first thing i notice is that they smell really good. and green eyes smells amazing. i think i hugged him for about five minutes straight just so i could smell his shirt. am i creeping you out? i hope not. i'm just a bit weird, you'll have to forgive me. i was standing over green eyes, and-- i don't know if this is because i remembered it from skins-- i kept thinking to myself, look up if you like me. and then he did. and he tacked a smile on it for good measure. (i've never liked a trumpet player before. they're a strange group. i'm approaching with caution.) his eyes are really lovely. and he has a peculiar way of smiling. he smiled a lot today.

it was awesome.

but yeah. two days in. third day is really the problem. and the fifth and seventh. so once i make it past tomorrow, all that's left is thursday and saturday. and once i'm past saturday, i should be fine for the two weeks after that. i mean, my mother's started complaining about my eating habits, but only because OTHER people are asking her about my eating habits. and she wouldn't let me ruin her reputation as a good mother.

guess i'll be wearing lots of long skirts for a while. long skirts and baggy jeans and t shirts.

and purple zebra striped stockings. :)

now i've got to put my bookbag in the wash now. it smelled like a damp basement all day. i was so embarrassed. and i've got homework to do. hope your day was lovely too. <3

honestly.

when you feel sad, stop being sad and be awesome instead.

i have these stockings. i found them on clearance about two years ago. they're purple and zebra stiped. i like wearing them. maybe i'll wear them tomorrow. just thought i'd share that with you. :)

i've got vitamins this time around. last time i was water fasting, i wasn't taking any. so this time i will, so my iron levels don't drop really low. people don't usually see me eat at school, so i should be fine. i want to aim for a minimum of twenty one days. twenty one is like, one of my favorite numbers. maybe because that's the legal drinking age here.

speaking of drinking, some people shouldn't be allowed to drink. take my friend ricky, for example. he got completely drunk last night and told me some things i'm sure he'll regret when he wakes up. you know what's terrible? he said he thought i was really lovely and it was all very sweet of him, but he was drunk. it made me feel horrible last night. maybe it's a bit illogical, but i felt like if i was as lovely as he thought, he wouldn't have had to get drunk to say something like that. i mean, he wasn't drunk when he told his last two girlfriends he liked them. am i making sense? i hope so. he shouldn't be dorming. he should be at home, where his parents can keep an eye on him.

i wrote lots of letters yesterday. i think today i'm going to write letters to different animals. like birds. there's a family of nightingales that live near my house. i've seen generations of them. i even wrote a story about them. i learned how to chirp like a bird so i could call them and stuff. i just love animals. they're the best. they really know what love is. shame they can't talk, or they'd tell us we're doing it all wrong. oh, and i want to write one to a penguin. i love penguins. they're adorable. and a lioness. i love those too. haha, sorry.

i'm going to clean up, write, draw and read today. even though there's bound to be a lot of awkwardness later when ricky wakes up, i'm going to have a good day anyway. if everything else goes wrong, i can have a really good day as long as i don't eat. and i won't. i saw a butterfly yesterday and i thought, wow. they make it look so effortless. i mean, birds look like they have to put a bit of energy into it. butterflies seem to be drifting along, everywhere they go. i want to look like that too.

i feel fluffy today. i hope you feel fluffy too. :)

honestly.

if it is important to you, you will find a way. if it's not, you will find an excuse.

i don't know who i am anymore.

i look at myself and i think, who is this? this isn't who i am. and then i think, i'm somewhere under there. i just need to find myself. and then i'm lost. then sometimes i ask myself too many questions. and sometimes i don't question enough. sometimes i think too hard. sometimes i don't think at all. i wish there was a middle ground. it's uncomfortable to shift in between opposites so easily. 

but then, you already knew that.

before i go back to my melancholic state, i have to tell you all about this strange habit i've formed. lately, i find myself writing letters. short letters. long letters. letters that make no sense. letters written in numbers. letters to objects. letters to people i know. letters to people i wish i knew. letters to people i wish were dead. letters to people who are dead. letters to people who i wish i never met. letters to people i wish i could meet. letters to myself. i'm considering writing them all in a notebook. i had a notebook like that once, but it was for drawing. now it's corrupted with numbers and pictures of scales. i want this book of letters to be just a book of letters.

it's been a long day. i'm trying to get into the habit of going through a day without reflecting on faults of mine. no luck with that. today it was my ability to be extremely fickle. in high school, i was famous (at least among my friends, or whatever you'd call them) for liking several someones-- any-ones, no-ones, just people-- at the same time. in fact, even now the question they ask me isn't, "how's life treating you?" instead they ask, "so who do you like now?" and i guess i did this to myself. i sometimes get the feeling that if my parents hadn't kept me on such a short leash in high school, many of those crushes wouldn't have stopped there. sometimes i wonder what's stopping me now. maybe a lack of motivation. or maybe it's that whole non-existent self esteem issue.

i love this episode. if you skip to 3:34, you'll get to this really interesting part. she looks in the mirror and can't find what's wrong with her, then realizes her eyelids are fat. (it's irrational, right? but seriously, wouldn't it be gross if you had fat eyelids?) she gets so skinny her bones rattle when she dances. people think she looks perfect, but they laugh at her bones. am i looking into this too much?

i'm going to get back on the water fasting wagon on sunday. my mother finally noticed i haven't had any of my usual vegan protein packed foodstuff. (it's been about two months now. maybe three.) she offered to buy some. i said no. so right now, i'm going to eat some broccoli. maybe.

maybe i'll feign sickness and watch more daria. it seems like the better option, doesn't it.

honestly.

just when i thought i had you all figured out.

you always think you know someone until they do or say something you don't see coming.

let's say you have choir, and the choir director is crotchety old woman (who really isn't that old). you have reason to believe she hates you. then suddenly she shocks you by smiling at you sincerely. was that not good enough as an example? let me try again.

let's say you make friends easily, but try to keep people at a reasonable distance. you're a bit cynical about your peers especially. you think they're mostly shallow individuals. then you have an off day. even waving to people is hard. you make cruelly sarcastic remarks under your breath whenever someone says something stupid in class. then the kids around you ask if anything's wrong and watch you protectively until class is over. when you try to slip out, one of them gives you a disturbingly comforting hug before letting you leave. is that too specific? damn. okay, i'll try again.

let's say you have a friend who always appeared to be a really innocent person. they always give you expert moral advice and seem to have themselves pretty figured out. then you decide to play the tell me something i don't know game, and you find out that person is secretly an alcoholic. they love being drunk. still not good enough? you guys are never satisfied.

well, i give up.

the fast went well... until i binged on vegetables again. bit depressing, but not half as depressing as yesterday was. my mood went south in about thirty minutes and stayed there for most of the day. apparently people notice things like when you shift to depressed from something that could only be described as manic. so much for pretending to be normal. and i swear, if sunflower seed boy asks me if i'm bipolar again, he's going to suffer.

i'm going to keep at this until it works. fasting, i mean.

while i'm at it, i'm going to try not being sarcastic when people annoy me. instead, i'll just keep it on the inside.

wish me luck. i'm going to need it.

honestly.

what a lovely sequence of events.

it's thursday.

yeeeesssssss.

thurdays have always been my "good days." and i swear, if i jinxed myself by saying that, i'll be hibernating until monday. why is thursday my good day? i don't know. but i can tell you that i have class with red who may be taken, but is still very cute. that's always a bonus. (i'm incorrigible, i know.)

remember sunflower seed boy? he's good. i swear, i need to hang out around this kid. i'd never eat. yesterday, i hadn't eaten anything and i felt a little light headed from my vocal practice and general waste of energy, so i bought some fries. baked, not fried. bit weird. anywho, it was a bad idea. but i couldn't resist. guess who caught me nibbling at them? that's right. sunflower seed boy.

"....hmm. white carbs. they turn into fat."

i looked up at him. i'm sure my eyes were saying something like, you don't want to do this right now. but he did.

".....ketchup? hmm."

i think i sighed. i may have hung my head in shame. but i plowed on, through those fries, as he gave me-- and a few of our classmates-- a lesson in nutrition. i tried to use the old "i'm vegan" line as an excuse for why i was okay with eating fries. "but i do eat a lot of vegetables," i added. oh. and sunflower seed boy? he's almost as bad as i am. he started talking about his weight. (he's almost as bad as me. it sounds like he sleeps with his scale. sorry, i'll cut him some slack.) then these two girls started talking about their exercise routines. i almost joined the conversation. but this girl sitting across from me looked at me and said, "you don't even have to worry about those fries. you're so skinny." and inside, i was like, pffft. it made my stomach turn. i stopped eating. then i came home and binged on vegetables. which was really random and totally uncomfortable, and i gained like a million pounds. (damn you, brocolli, carrots and cauliflower!)

and now it's thursday, but i'm in a good mood. which is nice. i mean, obviously i'm not eating today, even though i'm allowed to have up to eight hundred calories today. and i finally got to exercise in gym class and the workout didn't make me feel tired at all. i was utterly disappointed. some of the girls were like, huff...hufff...hufff.... and i was like, YEAH. BRING IT. CRUNCHES. YEAH. I'M ALL OVER THIS. thirty minutes later, i still wanted to keep going, then we stopped. i am so disappointed. 

so anyway, i have to get ready for school. i hope you all have a wonderful day today. :)

and drink water. i'll be doing a lot of that today.

honestly.

if your abs are cold after you run, you burned calories.

people just keep giving me all this information.

wait. before i go on, let me just say that i've been awake for like, nineteen hours. why? because i make no sense.

so a lot of random stuff happened today. i saw kenny (or whatever this kid's name is... i should probably find out) and he saw me eating wheat thins. i guess he was okay with it. i only had ten, then he had to go to class. this isn't important. fast forwarding. i was doing homework today and red (yes, he's still around. and i got to tackle hug him. that was fun.) was doing homework too. then he was like, "fuck! i really need some coffee right now but it's like, all the way across campus!" so of course i got him some. because you know, hearts may be broken but the love never dies (and all that). when i put it on the table, he just went insane. he was like, "omg. omg. yes. omg. i love this girl. so much. yes. coffee. fuck yes. omg." and then he gave me this huge hug (picked me up off the floor) and was just like, "THANK YOU! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH." and hey, that was good enough for me. then we were talking about how i smashed into the wall and he said that was the single greatest moment he had last week. wait, fast forwarding again. (how am i still awake?)

i made two new friends and we started talking about like, exercise. and how i really want to use the school gym but there are no showers and i don't want to go to class (or get on the bus) smelling like sweat. and we started talking about running and this girl-- she is like, the definition OF cool-- said that she loves doing crunches. and i was all like, haha, yeah, exercise is awesome. (i was so glad i did those four hundred jumping jacks this morning.) maybe she's a new exercise buddy. she likes running. WORKS FOR ME. that would be awesome. my other friend, i told about red. she said it was kinda obvious. and here i thought i could hide it behind my mask of insanity.

so anyway, my eyes are still open. and i've been trying to sleep for a few hours now. so i think i'm going to... hopefully go to sleep. if not, i'll be doing homework. my friends are sending me texts like, "GO TO SLEEP. WHY ARE YOU AWAKE." except for that girl who's the definition of cool. she's like, "WE'RE FRIENDSSSSSS <3333333" makes me smile. it's good to have friends at school, right? so many people said hi to me and gave me hugs today, i think the universe is overloading me with good vibrations. (BY THE WAY, IF YOU SEE A DRAGONFLY, MAKE A WISH.) i hope something terrible doesn't happen to balance it out.

......damn.

i'm so negative sometimes.

honestly.

nuts are really high in fat.

so i stuck to the diet. not much to report there. today should be day four. what's weird is that on sunday i lost like, three pounds. it was totally random. and then today, i lost like, one fifth of a pound. whatever.

anywho, i've been packing my own lunch lately. meaning yesterday. in a goldfish shaped container. (i love water creatures.) and there's this kid-- i call him kenny, although to be honest, i don't think that's his name. he might be the only person i've met this year who's just as mental about food as i am. we were chatting today and i bought a pack of raw sunflower seeds. you know, because that's what i do. i buy things to look like i eat and then i share it with everyone and eat like... nothing. so i gave him some and i was about to eat some and suddenly he was like, "you know, nuts are really high in fat." and then he started talking about how he could ruin any food for me.

which would be kind of cool, to be honest.

so he's my classmate. i think i'm going to throw a list of seemingly random foods and see if he really can ruin them for me. i mean, he already ruined sunflower seeds. he said he could probably destroy my opinion of my favorite food. he asked what it was. i said broccoli.

still, you can't blame the kid for trying, right?

sooo, i should probably finish my homework. it's due in like, seven hours. (let the unhealthy sleep cycles begin!) i was trying to use this to distract myself. no luck there. on the bright side, i did kill about twenty minutes between typing this and watching orchestras on youtube.

it's probably a bit too early to start slacking though. i'd better get this finished so i can get a nap in before seven.

honestly.

the title of this post is at the end.

one.

for some reason, i spent a good chunk of yesterday taking those "psychological" quizzes. you know the ones i'm talking about. answer thirty questions, we'll tell you how messed up you are. i tried to coerce my friend into doing them with me and she said, "....why?" i don't know. what else is there to do on a saturday? be normal? bit late for that. so i took these quizzes. and i kept getting the same five disorders. schizotypal, borderline, histrionic, narcissistic and avoidant. (borderline between what and what? i'm already insane.) but my favorite quiz was cattell's sixteen factor quiz. it's nice to have adjectives every once in a while. maybe i can finally define myself.

instinctive, unstable. irritable, moody. modest, docile. nontraditional, rebellious. uninhibited, bold. touchy, soft. supportive, comforting. wary, suspicious. strange, imaginative. private, quiet. fearful, self doubting. curious, exploratory. (just wait until the guys hear about that one.) loner. messy. cool.

as far as maslow's concerned, i've got physiological and safety needs down. it's everything else that i need to work on.

pardon me for one second.

dear mom, thank you for turning me into the radioactive pile of shit i am today. shut up now, so i can finish blogging in peace. please and thank you.

two.

i love swings. and bicycles. i think i might get my bike fixed. it's super old. i used to ride it all the time until the tires suddenly stopped inflating. then i got a unicycle. but my neighborhood isn't accepting of unicyclists, and i'm tired of being called a clown for being different. i wish i could go to the park and get on the swings, but i'm tired of doing things in my area. there's the risk of running into people i used to know and wondering if they notice that i'm not as tiny as i once was.

i mean, of course they do. i've only lived here for a decade of my life.

this one girl from my junior high school works at the grocery store. we used to do gymnastics together. the first time i realized it was her, i considered saying hi. so i went down her row. she checked my items. then i left.

three.

volunteering at a food pantry today, like i do almost every sunday. there's this delightful homeless man named mario that i met. he's a former olympic gold medalist. (that's not depressing at all, right?) anyway, if you don't talk to homeless people, you should start doing it. he's a regular wellspring of information.

"hey, you know that similac no one's been taking the past few weeks? i take that. i had a whole carton of ice cream. and then i sat in the park, i drank it and whoosh, off to the bathroom. you use it. you'll see."

so this is what it's come to, hm? getting tips from hobos. wait, i'm not finished baring my soul yet. i tried it. call me the human guinea pig. but it works. yes, i drink large amounts of concentrated baby foodstuff. this is what it's come to. the good news is that you don't gain weight from it. maybe because you drink it and whoosh, off to the bathroom. that amused me. i'm sorry, i couldn't help it. (is that why babies need so many diaper changes? ew.) on the bright side, no more embarrassment about buying laxatives. if you buy similac instead, no one will suspect that you're a weight obsessed maniac. i mean, that's just not a normal conclusion. you'd never guess it.

so that's it.

my advice to you is to not take psychological quizzes (because they'll just force you to admit things you'd rather deny), go ride a bike (or get on the swings, whichever comes first), and buy similac. drink it-- in moderation, of course-- because you don't gain weight, it doesn't dehydrate you, and it has nutrients.

and then you open the window and say, "life is a meaningless descent into the void." then you jump, and on the way down you scream, "now i understand. i understand everything."


that was the title, but don't actually do that. i've just been watching too much daria. she reminds me of someone i know. i mean, she's a glasses wearing, fashion challenged, cynical teenager with biting sarcasm, an annoyingly gorgeous sister and parental units who are extremely out of touch but have rare golden moments where they actually act as parents.

something about that is familiar... i just can't put my finger on it.

honestly.

when a day begins like that, where can it go?

sometime yesterday, after i got home from shopping at a thrift store with my mother, my friend lee and i started talking. just catching up with each other, since we go to different schools and don't talk much anymore. and we were talking about classes, working out, and--

you know what, i'm not even going to beat around the bush. it's too early. red has a girlfriend. she's really very pretty. although, i'm not sure if i believe that, or if i'm just saying that in an attempt to be a good loser here. at least we can still hang out and play the guitar together. that's a small victory in itself. and i can totally still sing near him. or to him. because it's a goddamn free country and his girlfriend doesn't own his ears or anything. i mean, that's just ridiculous. 

moving on to a healthier (haha!) topic, i think i might start the tss diet today (maybe). actually, i will. my brain is all over the place right now. i'm trying to focus on like, actually telling you something instead of having you read things that don't matter. 

where was i....

i don't know.

so yeah, i'm going to do more exercise. maybe fix my hair-- i don't know. i'm just going to go with the flow today. wing it. ad-lib. improvise. jazz it up. i'm rambling. i think i'm in mental limbo. does that make sense? like, i'm in between trains of thought? i'm standing on a train platform and one train is going towards a depressed state of mind and the other is going towards i guess, everything else. basically the rest of my life. i don't know. 

MY BRAIN IS LIKE FURRY CHEESE WITH A SIDE OF PICKLES RIGHT NOW. i don't even like pickles. or furry cheese.

i should... stop typing and go exercise now.

honestly.

"because i care about you that much."

okay. i'm using that phrase three times. keep your eyes open.

my day was fairly standard. red came to class late so i didn't get to sit next to him like i did for the past few classes. instead he sat across from me and stared at me. which was fun. and we did crazy faces across the room. then we separated for classes and i saw him again after my class. i was sitting with some classmates doing homework and i called him over. so he came and sat near me. [insert cheesy grin here] our legs were touching and he didn't move his. which i always thought as a good sign. correct me if i'm wrong. we joked around, as usual. i asked if i could drink the rest of his snapple tea (not that i would have, because i have calorie issues) and he said i could have some. i didn't. not much happened when he came over except for the two of us bonding more. like, i found out about his dog. and his childhood. then i looked outside and i saw tino. and i guess i lost my mind.

i gasped and red looked up (along with my other two classmates). i leaped out of my seat and started jumping over chairs frantically, trying to get to the exit so i could tackle tino. it would've looked so freakin' cool. if only the chair hadn't slid at the last second, causing me to knock over the surrounding chairs (and a table) and faceplant into a wall. everyone nearby looked. TOTAL EMBARRASSMENT. so i basically laughed it off-- HOW? I DON'T KNOW-- and went outside, leaving a mess behind me that my new "dad" cleaned up. when i caught up to tino, he thought i was high because i was still laughing it off. so i told him what happened. and he said, why would you faceplant into a wall...

and i said, because i care about you that much.

it was obvious i didn't mean that. so we caught up, kinda or whatever. then i turned and saw that red was leaving and i couldn't let that happen. so i told tino to follow me. i ran through the building (no accidents this time) and chased red to his car. through a parking lot. tino followed me, no surprise there. he was putting his bookbag in his trunk, so i pretended i was going to jump in the trunk. (to give him credit, when he saw me running in his direction, he threw his bag in his trunk and opened his arms.) are you getting in my trunk? he asked in amusement. that's when i said no, i just wanted a hug. SO I GOT MY HUG. and then i was like, how could you leave without giving me a hug, and he was like, i have to go to work. and there are still a few walls you haven't crashed into. (ha. ha. ha.) so i said ALL I GET IS ONE HUG AFTER I CHASED YOU THROUGH A PARKING LOT AND FACEPLANTED INTO A WALL? he said i got a pity hug and a goodbye hug all in one.

because i care about you that much.


for the record, his car is red. i swear, i didn't know until today. it's getting a little freaky now. in a good way.

it's like things are moving fast and yet too slow at the same time. if you know what i mean.

anyway, i'm going to practice my guitar and take it to school on monday. (my hand kinda hurts from crashing into that wall. but for red, i can deal with it.) I THINK I'LL SING SOMETHING FOR HIM. since he sang banana pancakes (by jack johnson) for me. it's only fair, yeah!?

so like, you guys can pick some songs for me to try out. i'd be honored if even one of you suggested a song for me. i think i'm definitely doing grace by jeff buckley (because that's totally our musician). but i said think and definitely in the same sentence, so don't take my word for it.

but really. go ahead and throw some songs at me. i want you to.

because i care about you that much. (SEE WHAT I DID THERE? THERE WAS A REASON AFTER ALL.)

honestly.

don't worry. be happy.

j told me to forget about everything that happened and get on with my life or just forget about red completely.

well, of course i can't do that. so i went with the first option.

then he told me to add red on facebook-- which was kinda weird for me, because i'm never on it-- and i did. not that it does anything for me, because as everyone knows, going through someone's pictures means you might find a picture of that person with another person and start thinking things that are better left ....unthought. (that's not a word. but it should be.) BUT WHATEVER. i took his advice. and then i was at school yesterday and i was on my way to my next class and red popped up in front of me (he was entering the building; i was leaving) and opened his arms. i was like, oh, i get hugs now? aww yeahhh. and there i was, hugging him. inhaling. exhaling. and then i was like, i have to get to class. are you still gonna be here? of course you are! don't go anywhere. and then after class, he was there. it was great.

the only hard part is when i'm talking to someone else and he's nearby but not near me and talking to some girl who's obviously hotter than me. and she's like, sitting with her cigarette, leaning casually across from him. the thing that makes all of that better? i still got to spend time with him. and i made a new friend who adopted me as his "daughter"-- which i'm okay with, 'cause he's pretty freaking cool-- and said i had a cool voice. that was like, after i sang while i was playing red's guitar. and i drew a picture for him. he was like, i'm putting this inside my laptop so whenever i open it, i'll be like, hell yeah. the red rocket. which put me in this groovy mood for the rest of the day. i skipped home from the bus stop. that was like, thirty minutes. it was amazing.

also, isn't it weird when people mistake lack of self-esteem for humility? like, my new "father"-- or whatever the hell i'm supposed to call him. "dad", maybe?-- said that i was overly humble. (he said i was good with singing and playing the guitar. i said i wasn't.) but i'm really not. i just have no self esteem. i mean, i have self esteem. because everyone does to some extent. but it's too low to actually matter. i just think it's weird that people think i can play the guitar or piano or sing and personally, i think most of the things i play are complete shit. except for nocturne in e major by chopin. i can play that. that's one of my favorite songs. so that's that. speaking of favorite songs, he's leaning so real by (the great and powerful) jeff buckley. for me. words cannot describe how happy i am about that.

anyway, before j told me to forget all that shit from the day before yesterday, i binged. yes, i did binge. and i was halfway through purging when my mom got home. so i did this thing i do, where i throw up a little bit at a time until it's all out. and when i woke up yesterday i hadn't gained any weight. last night, was different though. i actually ate. not like a binge, but eating. and i gained a pound. so that wasn't the best thing in the world.

but i can live with it, since i have class with red today. j says (a lot of things, apparently) that personally, he likes happy, cheerful people. and that seeing a smiling face in the morning is a great way to start the day. and that i should just be my "naturally peachy self" because then i'd have no reason to worry. naturally peachy? okay. haha, but i can do this! i mean going to school with a smile on my face so red and i can pretend i'm normal for a day.

yesterday, i was talking about how sometimes people can't follow my trains of thought and i asked him if i was even semi-coherent. he said sometimes. so i have to stop being awkward i guess. or i have to try to recover some of that sanity i'm NOT famous for. i mean, why would he give his number to someone he couldn't understand? but don't worry, guys.

i'm working on it.

honestly.

and the day is mine.

okay, so i said the title of my next post would be his band's name. red.

but really, if i hadn't said that, this would probably be called something like, FUCK THIS. AGAIN.


quickly, because i have horrible things to do to myself. and because i'm losing the last bits of sanity i've been clinging to for dear life. SO. i don't know if you read that letter i wrote to my ex-crush. but that guy? tino? WHAT A FUCKING DOUCHEBAG.  i swear. he said he "didn't like me that way." okay, i can get over that. i mean, i was am the size of a hippo. but SERIOUSLY? if you say you still want to be friends, then maybe RESPOND TO A TEXT EVERY ONCE IN A FUCKING WHILE, YOU DUMB SHIT. i tried being nice, like, three times. i said, "hey, what's going on?" he didn't want to respond, i got the message. SO DON'T COME UP TO ME AND SAY HEY WHAT'S GOING ON WITH SOME CHIC ON YOUR ARM. don't. even. fucking. DO THAT. so i pushed him aside, really and didn't say anything. then i felt like a bitch and said hi to him. THEN I REGRETTED THAT TOO, because i shouldn't have! and TO THINK i was going to apologize to him for... only GOD KNOWS WHAT.

AND THAT WAS JUST THE ICING ON THE DAMN CAKE.  i mean it.

the cake? oh, this is the good stuff. school was SO GOOD. for the first class, i got to sit next to red again, he kept making jokes during class, i stole his sunglasses again. BUT WHAT THE FUCK. i turn my back for five minutes and i see him with that girl! that bitch! the girl from last year! let's call her the devil because she is. so the devil is walking next to red and he's laughing at something she said. she's not even REMOTELY funny. AND I COULDN'T EVEN TALK TO HIM. i couldn't even look at her. me and her? we have a class together. my last class of the day. PURE. TORTURE. i swear, i just spent the last twenty minutes walking home talking to myself OUT LOUD. and by out loud i mean LOUDLY with amazingly intense hand gesticulations! my neighbors probably think i'm INSANE. but i am. and this was just pure shit.

and banana probably knows about them IF THERE'S SOMETHING GOING ON. WHICH THERE BETTER NOT BE. YOU DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND. the crush she stole last year i told BOTH OF THEM that i liked him. and you know what the devil said? she TORE HIM A NEW ONE. i mean, if i hadn't liked that guy as much as i thought i did (or did, i guess) i would've been so turned off by everything she said. and then two weeks later, he's helping her learn how to play the guitar and asking me where she is? i mean, COME ON. and to do it again!? WHAT THE FUCK. she'd better leave him alone.

AND THIS BITCH HAS A BOYFRIEND?! WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT IS SHE DOING?!

you know what? if there is something going on, then fine. i mean, what can i do? fuck it. and if the girl was tino was his girlfriend, then fine. he's a piece of shit anyway. fuck that too. because i'm finally starting to accept that my life is shit. and that if i have good days in a row, then all that means is that the next day is going to cripple me.

on a positive note, i have TRANSCENDED sadomasochism. i am beyond your average masochist and well past the group they call sadists. you see, i can do it involuntarily now. i can try to have a good day and still fuck it up completely. i can try to do nice things for myself and then find out i've actually ruined my life.

ruined.

my.

life.

and you know what else? i'm beyond it because i have NOW taken everything i HATE in life and put it in one place. it's called school. and i go there. OF MY OWN FREE WILL. and that's not all, folks! i also PAY FOR THE OPPORTUNITY TO MEET PEOPLE WHO WILL RUIN MY LIFE.

oh, DAMN. i just love school. SO MUCH.

and while i was mad, i was ranting to myself IN THE BATHROOM about how i should just fast until i wither away into nothingness and a toilet flushed and i was like, what the fuck someone is in here. i left so fast you have no idea. but i mean, my voice is very unique. i just hope it was someone i don't know. because I CAN'T TAKE MUCH MORE OF THIS.

anyway, now i'm going to either:

a) continue fasting by overdosing on something that will knock me out and keep me asleep until tomorrow morning, or

b) binge and then purge until i hate myself even more.

i don't know yet. ana won't shut the fuck up. she's saying that my life is already shit and then to binge and purge will just make me feel worse and i'll be doing to it myself and i shouldn't eat. and i'm like, bitch, i don't give a damn. but she won't shut up.

the day is not, was never, and never will be mine.

honestly.

all i need is love & music. love & music gets me by.

today was one hell of a roller-coaster. but j and i promised to do our best to have good days this week, so i did my best to keep it good. THAT BEING SAID.

today was awesome!!

i got to class late and had to sit in the back. which worked for me, because i missed class on wednesday last week and i didn't have the textbook. and i was texting, haha. anyway, then i left class and went across campus.

GUESS WHO I RAN INTO OUTSIDE?! red. this guy... he just... he is sex appeal. you know? i mean, damn. could he get any hotter? anyway, he was outside with this guy i used to find mildly attractive (until he cut all his hair off). and there was this bee that wouldn't leave him alone. it was trying to get into his coffee cup. so it basically went like this. he was waving at me so i came over and said hi. to both of them, as a formality. they were talking about sports and then things got a little crazy, haha. (just so you know, he's... well, he's red. duh.)

OH. MY. GOD. THIS BEE. it will not leave me alone. haha, i see that. so yeah, as i was sayi-- THIS STUPID BEE. is soo annoying. *fanning the bee away with a binder* {FIVE MINUTES LATER}  it really wants some coffee! well it's not GETTIN' ANY. screw this, i'm going inside. right behind ya.


so yeah. so we head inside after the little bee episode and we're joking around. he's all like, that bee totally wants me. and i'm like, how could it not? i didn't say that out loud, of course. anyway, i can't go over everything that happened, because we were hanging out on campus together from like, eleven to one-thirty. because we both have this ridiculously long break. so i'm going to put this in as few words as possible. (it's gonna be hard, but i'll do my best.)

he went to his car to get his guitar. he played music while we sat there (with about three other people at a table nearby that we knew) and i wore his sunglasses. so i could stare at him while pretending to text. (SO WHAT. HE'S DELICIOUS EYE CANDY.) he was playing the guitar and then i asked if i could see it and i played this song i wrote (don't ask, haha), grace by jeff buckley and then i played the theme song from friends and he sang along. it was cute. AND THEN the people left and it was just me and him and music. and it was beyond awesome. and then my old buddy chris came over with his guitar and he sat down. and red starts singing this song... i wish i knew what it was. but it sounded a lot like a love song. he sang like, two. i had his sunglasses on and i was staring at him. and he was looking at me every few seconds. it was magical. then i left for a vocal lesson and took his sunglasses with me. because that was the center of my pathetic attempts at flirting. when i came back, he was packing his stuff together and getting ready to go somewhere, so i tagged along. THE BEE POPPED UP. it was hilarious. he was like, zigzagging in front of me and stuff. i got to play with his hair.

there was one problem. this girl from last year, she basically stole my crush from me. but i got over it. (she was the one with banana the other day.) today, however, when she started talking to red, i gave her the look. 


basically, in one intense glare, i said, i tolerated your shit last year, but if you so much as hug this guy, i'm going to rip you apart like a rabid lion and then gut you like a fish. but i did it with a smile! because everyone knows if you do it with a smile, you're not a mean person.

so then i took his sunglasses with me to class. i mean, i was basically wearing them all day. it was great. and then he had to come find me because i had his sunglasses. and i got to talk to him some more! we had a lot of moments today. *sigh*

like when i was telling chris he should listen to jeff buckley, and red goes, "me and the drummer in my band were soo into jeff buckley at one point. damn, i used to be able to play so real." when he said that, i seriously grabbed his free hand with both of mine and gazed at him with sparkly eyes. i even sent my best friend a text that said, (and i quote):

He's so ridiculously delicious. HE'S HJFIKDKSBHJ!! gah. Words fail me so hard. HE KNOWS JEFF BUCKLEY. HE FUCKING KNOWS BUCKLEY. HE LIKES BUCKLEY.

at which point my friend said to marry him. if only, right? haha. but DAMN. we both hate mtv, too. PLUS he's like a sex god. he radiates more sex appeal than the sun radiates heat. and he's got a brain! and i have class with him tomorrow?! i'll see him everyday?! however will i survive this? no, i don't have his number yet. but gosh, if i did, i wouldn't be telling you guys this right now. i'd be rolling around on my floor singing to my phone, pretending it was him.

banana said something funny today. she said, "i just noticed. you lost a lot of weight. like, a lot." and to think, i was going to break my fast tomorrow. two days only? let's make it three! and then four! and then five! and then...we'll see after that, haha.

I TRIED TO CUT BACK AND THIS IS STILL KINDA LONG. i tried. i'm sorry.

oh. and i almost forgot. he was playing his guitar and he was like, "i have a red les paul at home. it's so amazing. i should call it red. the red rocket." {he mentioned red! severe whiplash from looking up at him quickly, i can assure you.}

and i thought to myself, what a wonderful world.

i'm totally getting his number tomorrow. maybe we can see the lion king together. haha, in a million years. or maybe i'll sing a song to him (without saying that) at the school open mic/cafe thing next month.

his band's name... will be the title of my next post. gotta save something for next time, right?!

honestly. :)

piano magic.

i'm so obsessed with this band's lyrics. i feel like almost anything major i deal with, i could find in one of their songs. so i'm going to try something, here. bear with me, this is a little tricky. i'm going to write my journal entry here using only their lyrics. you know, as much as i can. (it's not like they're writing my biography.) why? i don't know, i guess because i have insomnia and i've nothing better to do at the moment.

(in regard to the best friend of mine with the unworthy girlfriend.)
i feel too much inside. i cannot shake it off. unfortunately i have fallen, don't know what to do. i try to trace my steps back. i try to play the playback. but when i see your face, i cannot breathe. and i can't figure out this heart machinery. sometimes it stops for days and really worries me. and i can't form the words and often i can't speak. i knew that you were taken; a book i should not read. but the sun danced in your shadow like the mocking of a bird. and i was dragged down to your depth. and i clung to every word. well, you never asked me, so i never said. oh, there's much i can offer you if you'd open your eyes. i loved you in minutes, like people love Lucy. and i'm too tiny for a heart this big. the sadness in my eyes. the burden drags me down. i breathe a canvas on the window to write your name on the landscape. i miss you bad. and if i never see you again, well, i was the one who loved you the most. it may be worn out and wasted. it may be selectively blind. but this heart, it is proud to have loved you. this heart is not cold to the touch. this heart never ran from your kindness. this heart never asked you for much.


i'm a terrier, a black sheep, half-relation. he's french, a hack, white, caucasian. he types, i read and we clash on the keys. but he's silent, too ill, too fragile, too still and i'm violent and rash. (slow down for the crash.)


(in regard to myself.)
i live in the past and it's too strong. and the present is imperfect. and the future, well, it's conditional. and the past's a foreign land that i'm trying to understand.


it's just out of reach. can't think of nothing else. though i stare into the mirror, it does not tell me how i look. so i'm shaving in the darkness and i'm turning in my sleep. kick out this notion that anything goes. you've got the wheel but you're losing control. caution is thrown to the wind and it does not blow back. she said, "it's okay- you'll feel better every day and all memory of this will fade away." liar. she weaved her spell on me and i fell hopelessly. she shall not miss me and i care not 'cos she's doing me in and she's wearing me thin. i cannot break her spell. our violence is closer to art.


i tried to get on but you nagged in my ear. the mirror needn't bother. i bear its weight at all times. it shames the storm outside. god knows i've tried and tried. my dreams are tortured silhouettes. what does not destroy me can only make me stronger. and i'll be stronger when i'm stronger.


cheers! that worked out pretty well, actually. i found everything i was going to say. more or less. if you can understand it, more power to you! and if you can't, well, i'm sorry then.

i might have to try this again sometime.

maybe.

it was kinda fun. in a time consuming way. maybe you should try it? i don't know. i'm off to bed.

my fast begins today. and i have to get sleep because i actually have real things to do today. i have a freakin' to-do list. (what the hell, spontaneity? how could you let this happen?)

i'll make up for it by being twice as impulsive when i'm in school on monday.

honestly.

i was told desire had a sell-by date.

well, it's rotted and altered but still remains.

i was in such a funk yesterday, i didn't mention the good things that happened at school. earlier this year, before i started admitting my feelings for two people who are as different as feathers and strawberries (feelings that were non-existent at the time), i liked this guy. let's call him red. i thought he was magnetic when i first saw him, since my eyes wouldn't move very far from him. we wore the same sneakers (red converses, hence the name) and had the same style. i. was hypnotized. that friend from yesterday, let's call her... banana (since fruits and veggies are all she eats). i confided in her that i liked red. she turned her nose up in disgust. "he smokes pot," she commented with disgust. (she's all about being straight edge.) i didn't care about that, but i pretended to be shocked. "that's not the kind of person you want to spend time with." anyway, i'm not one to take advice. so i took another friend of mine outside with me when red left the building.

i asked my friend what his name was. he told me. so i watched red cross the parking lot for another five seconds before yelling "RED" (or whatever his real name is, haha). he turned around and i said hi, he asked what my name was and then he left. that was about the extent of our acquaintanceship.

anywho, when i got to school, i ran into-- guess who?-- banana! (if you thought red, you're getting ahead of the story. calm down.) she pointed me to my first class.. outside my classroom door, i ran into-- okay, go ahead, you know this-- red! i didn't think he'd remember me. so i didn't say anything to him. but he smiled and said, "hey, i remember you!" so i guess he did. and then i said, "oh yeah, you look familiar." as if i didn't know. pffft. silly me. so we exchanged names, found out we were in the same class and high-fived. he sat in front of me (which is when i noticed hie had a tattoo on the back of his right shoulder. "it's the treble clef," he informed me.) and then next to me when we rearranged the chairs in a semi-circle. he joked a lot whenever the teacher wasn't talking. i felt awkward. nervous. shy. but happy. (the level of happiness you'd get from smelling the inside of a new car. or new sneakers.) then class ended. he vanished outside to smoke. (something i wish i had the balls to do in public at school.) i went to class. i ran into this  partially creepy and much older guy i was slightly familiar with. turns out he was in my next class. and just when i began to consider changing my schedule, there was red. strolling through the door. yes, my eyebrows shot up. yes, his did too. then he got a chair and put it beside mine. now, i'm not sure if that was because i was sitting there, or because this other girl was sitting on my other side, but whatever the reason, he ended up next to me.

again.

cheers! maybe he'll turn out to be in some of my other classes too. i guess i'll find out on monday. it's a shame, though. he seems like a really sweet guy, but i told myself i wouldn't have any crushes. i barely pay attention already. my notes from yesterday are ten percent actual notes and ninety percent doodles. (red noticed this and glanced often at my paper, but didn't comment. maybe because i drew his tattoo. my excuse? we're taking music classes together.)

anyway, today was a beautiful day. for once, i wouldn't change a thing. i woke up late, so i didn't do yoga today, but i let it slide. i drank a cup of water every thirty minutes until about two hours ago when i ate a bunch of broccoli. sometime between three and four i did seven hundred jumping jacks and about one hour of... vigorous movement. i wasn't even really exercising, just "dancing" to music. then, when i was truly worn out, i started writing my favorite lyrics in one of my blank notebooks. (most of them are from piano magic.) at which point i got a text from my best friend stating that his girlfriend barely spoke to him all day, and then went out with a bunch of guys and started ignoring him. (yes, that made me happy too. i don't care. i'll feel guilty tomorrow. MAYBE.) i told him to cheer up. maybe now he'll start to accept the fact that there's a good chance that she's considering breaking up with him. good riddance, i say. gotta take out the trash eventually. he has to open his eyes sometime.

what am i forgetting... oh yeah!

you guys. are so amazing. thanks for all the positive comments you leave behind. and just for reading period. *wipes tear* (no, not really. but the sentiment is totally there.) i really appreciate it. you have no idea.

did i mention you're all amazing?

because you are.

honestly.

(oh yeah, and like, it's my mother's birthday today. i should have gotten her something.... like a card. something like a card. i'll figure something out on sunday. or i'll never hear the end of it.)

fuck this.

how was my day today? it was shit.

i went to school today, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible. i ran into a bunch of people i knew barely ten minutes after i got on campus. a bunch of people who informed me that classes actually started yesterday. so i was like, "oh yeah? it's cool, whatever." but it's actually really bad. whatever.

so i ran into this girl i'm trying to avoid and this girl i'm pretty good friends with. the girl i'm pretty good friends with-- or thought i was, apparently-- was being really weird today. i said i was thinking about getting some pretzels and she was all like, "i only eat fruits and vegetables now, i'm such a serious vegan. and look at this! i drink SO MUCH WATER. i have to use the bathroom in EVERY CLASS." and i'm like, "oh yeah? that's cool. same here, i guess." and then she's like, "and i reallllly want to get into yoga, you know?" my reply was something along the lines of, "that's good. i do yoga. i do at least one hour of stretches every morning." and she looked at me and... pretty much laughed and said, "you? yeah right." but with a smile of course. (because everyone knows as long as you say it with a smile it isn't insulting.)

which is when i was just like, fuck this. 

i mean, i thought i got slimmer. apparently, she didn't. she didn't get any slimmer either, despite her claims of only eating fruits and vegetables and drinking enough water to wash a truck. the good news is, i got two oranges and lost any appetite i had. the bad news is, i feel too fat to function.

i mean, seriously, what the fuck. she's bigger than me too, you know? not just taller, but like, wider too. just when i was beginning to feel a little better. like, i noticed that i had more of a thigh gap when i was changing this morning. that made me feel good. and then i got to school and i felt like shit.

that wasn't even the worst part. even though i saw some people i was really glad to see, i still felt like i didn't fit somehow. i felt like a turtle in a school of fish. i felt like the only glove in a basket of socks. i don't know. i just felt like shit. i feel like shit. i haven't even talked to j today, because yesterday i was feeling like shit and i wanted to talk. but i guess he had a long day at work or something because he didn't have time for it. 

today i had two oranges, a cup of mixed vegetables, ten ritz crackers (160 calories) and a lot of water.

and i want to scratch my legs and chew my wrists and write all over myself with sharpie, but i can't do anything. 

and i hate that when i go back on monday, i'll have to put on this face. the one everyone expects. the happy-go-lucky, slightly insane girl they love. i hate it.

i don't need to worry about eating lunch with my friend, at least. because wouldn't she just love it if i was only drinking water? she'd encourage it!

to top it all off, i got on the scale when i got home and it was higher than it was this morning.

so great. i'm looking forward to another three months of this, four days a week.

i said i wanted to stop complaining, right? so i guess, here's something positive. my cat didn't throw up once today, after an amazing three times yesterday.

oh, and more good news. i don't have school tomorrow. i can spend my weekend getting ready to do it all over again.

i'm so damn excited.

honestly.

stop trying.

there's this girl i know. i'm not sure if i like her or not. she's pretty bitchy sometimes. but i do think she's pretty cool. anyway, today i ran into her and she arched her eyebrows and looked at me with disapproval. i guess i told her what i wanted to look like when school started. i'm not there. she shook her head as she pointed at my stomach, my legs, my arms. she reminded me of what my goal was, why i kept working so hard. she watched me slip on a pair of jeans. she sighed and shook her head again.

you didn't do it, she said. you had a goal in mind and you didn't do it. 


i tried to explain, make excuses, stammer an apology. she wouldn't listen.

your problem is that you keep trying. stop trying and do. trying means that you keep attempting and never succeed. i'm tired of your bullshit, now get over yourself and your so-called obstacles. do what you said you would. now stop fucking around and get serious.


i haven't gotten down to one-seventeen. the scale has been dancing between one-nineteen and one-twenty three for the past few days. i can't stand it. i'm going to fast starting next week. for as long as i can. i fixed my schedule so i'm in class when my friends have lunch, and when i have a break i'm going to read, study, draw-- just anything i can that doesn't involve food. tomorrow, i have classes from eleven to six, and about two hours of commuting.

i can do this.

i have to.

honestly.

what's your biggest fear?

i asked j today, while we were chatting. he told me his biggest fear, then he asked me. so i told him.

i don't want to end up like my mom.

she hates her job. she can smile and laugh with someone and rip them to pieces as soon as she gets home. she complains all the time. she's insincere. she can't love anyone. she's a horrible listener. she doesn't have a good head on her shoulders. she's a bad mother. she's barely a mother. she's overly judgmental. she holds grudges forever. she never forgets the slightest thing people mess up on. she's hypocritical. she's just an all around unpleasant person.

and the scary thing is, i see that in myself sometimes. 

i complain a lot. so much, in fact, that sometimes i find it hard to see the positive things in life. ("what positive things?" i half-laughed in my mind.) i don't listen to people at times. i tune them out unless i think they're worth my time. i hold things against people. it takes me a while to get over stuff. i'm a hypocrite. ("but aren't we all, to some extent?" i'm wondering. "not the best of us," i decide.) i'm impulsive. logic fails me at times. in fact, i was told once that i've got a reality so far from this one that it's mind boggling.

so after i told him (not all of that, but basically some of it), he asked me what kind of person i wanted to be.

i said i want to be a good listener, warm and caring. i said i want to be a lady who's a good person all the time, not just on the weekends. what i didn't say is that the reason i keep telling people i don't want to have children is because i know what having a bad mother is like and i'd hate to be classified or thought of as such. what i didn't say is that i want children and a family. i want to marry someone that i love so deeply that if (heaven forbid!) they died before me, the thought of marrying another person would be so far from me that even such a suggestion would sicken me.

he said he understood. he said he knew what i mean because i am like that. he said i'm too nice, that i have a cute personality. he thinks i'm a good person.

and i wish i could see that. i wish i was the kind of person who could see good things about herself. i wish i would stop wishing so much and make things happen.

most of all, i wish i wasn't so selfish. if i could apologize to his girlfriend right now, i would. i've spent the last few days hating her guts because she doesn't appreciate what she has and wishing they would break up. if i had spent more time thinking, i would've realized how much he loves her and how bad that would hurt him. no matter how much i dislike her, she makes him happy. and i couldn't ask for more than that.

maybe my biggest fear is that i'll be an ugly person, inside and out.

you know, that's probably it.

honestly.

i don't care what anybody says, you're beautiful to me.

an old, drunk, homeless man said that to me last week.

did it make me feel better? no.

so last night, my mother happened to pop up behind me and saw my wallpaper, which is a collage of thinspirational quotes. the biggest one said there are none so thin as those who will not eat. i slammed it closed and looked at her, then i realized something.

she really could care less.


so i don't have to worry about eating in front of her. i don't have to lie about why i'm not hungry. i don't have to pick food off the shelf when we're out shopping. i can go back to chewing gum and eating sunflower seeds twenty-four seven.

yeah. my mom is a jerk. she told my cat he was getting fat the other day. my cat is bulemic. don't believe me? i'm completely serious. he throws up his food. he spends most of his time avoiding his food bowl. the only times it's ever empty are when my dog  eats it or when he's finished nibbling through it. he doesn't eat cat treats, he throws them down the stairs. he's actually one of the skinniest house cats i've ever seen. he's lived here for almost three years now and he hasn't gained a pound. in fact, he's lost weight since he came from the adoption center. he was thirty pounds. now he's twenty pounds. and he refuses to gain more weight than that.

that's my cat.

anyway, i doubt it would make a difference to me if anyone said "i don't care what anybody says, you're beautiful to me" because beauty is in the eye of the beholder and i have poor eyesight.

maybe one day my cat and i will be normal.

maybe that would be kind of cool.

but who wants to be normal? normal is boring.

honestly.

turtle turtle turtle turtle.

fasting always makes me feel better. (good idea, a friend of ana.) and the aquarium. i saw turtles today.

I LOVE TURTLES SO MUCH.

anyway i'm going to take your advice, jackie, and make a list of things that made me happy this month.

so. six things that made me happy this month.

number six--

i figured out what i'm getting my best friend for christmas. i'm almost ashamed by the fact that i've never gotten him anything. but now i know what to get him! and make for him. i already made a giant rat plush with his initial on the chest, and i got a turtle toy from the aquarium today. all that's left is to make him a scarf. red with white stripes! apparently he doesn't have one. at all. (his girlfriend is so worthless.)

number five--

summer is almost over. sorry to all you people who like this summer, but it's far too sadistic for my tastes. i mean, heat is suffocating. it's just evil. besides, the closer i get to winter, the closer i get to my birthday and a week of intense partying and time away from mother dearest. of course, my birthday isn't until february, but patience is a virtue. or so i've heard.

number four--

my dog's birthday is in fifteen days. which is great, because i didn't even think i'd still have him this long. he'll be a year old. i have a feeling i should've gotten him neutered... but i couldn't deprive him of life's greatest joy. he won't listen to anyone other than me. he's a smart little guy. and he gets along with the cat now.

number three--

i ripped out my carpet. it was really old and had this weird odor. there was this great tile underneath and it makes the sound bounce all over the walls. so now when i practice one of my instruments, i can hear myself better. stupid carpet used to muffle the sound.

number two--

i found a working cd player. this might sound a little silly, but ever since my dog chewed my ipod charger, i'm wayy to cheap to get another one. sure, i have to keep it perfectly still to hear a song, but it's still really nice.

number one--

i saw turtles. today. turtles are the best. ever. they take life at their own speed and withdraw into their shells when things get a little too crazy. we have so much in common. and you can yell at turtles all you want, but they just keep going about their business. they live really long, they're herbivores, and they're really smart. i. fucking. love. turtles. so much.

it took me so freaking long to find six things that made me happy.

and my mom is pissing me off right now.

these "positive" things never work for me.

honestly.

enchantment.

there are six things that have really pissed me off this month. (it's only like, the third day! what the hell.)

number six--

my mother. i don't even need to go into detail with this. we're just opposites. completely. she was on the phone the other day and said that you can't have a relationship without love. i didn't voice my opinion, but i silently disagreed. of course you can have a relationship without love.

it's called a bad relationship.

it's called our relationship, mother.

speaking of relationships, she went on a date tonight. she has a boyfriend. uhm, i have never had a boyfriend. hell, even my cat is getting more action than me! some calico across the street has been sniffing around here a lot. and my cat is neutered.

am i missing something?

number five--

the fact that ninety percent of the people who know me can't spell-- or pronounce-- my name properly. my own aunt says my name wrong, and she's family. my name is kind of special to me. my dad named me. it makes me happy to know my mom had nothing to do with it. so people need to get it right or not say it at all.

tonight, my friend mike and i were hanging out on some steps. one of his buddies came along and said hey, what's going on, asked me what my name was. i told him. and he still got it wrong. are people retarded? it's not even a hard name.

number four--

this sudden obsession everyone has with my sneakers being ripped. so i actually use my sneakers for traveling and not for fashion. sue me. i don't need new sneakers yet. they haven't fallen apart. i can still wear them, right? they're on my feet. who gives a damn? the people who matter don't care and the people who care can go fuck themselves.

number three--

my best friend's girlfriend. come ON j. break up with her already. (i'm using names a lot tonight. i don't even care.) she's a total hypocrite and she's ruined his night... every night this week! which is horrible, because he doesn't deserve that. and yet it's good, because we talk more. but then it's bad again, because he gets very sadfaced when she ruins his day and he stops talking to me to go to sleep.

mainly, i just hate the fact that she exists. she takes him for granted. he loves her and she loves that she has this sick power over him. she can make him happy and she can rip it away from him. it makes me think of a time i shared a towel with my sister on the beach. when it was wrapped around us, i was happy and enjoying myself. then she ripped it away when we were passing a group of boys. i haven't been to the beach since then.

TALK ABOUT DEEP SEEDED PERSONAL INSECURITIES.

i told him if she cheats on him, i'm punching her in the face. he said it sounded like a sweet deal.

number two--

school starts in five days. i don't even want to be there. this could come out sounding a number of ways, so i'm sorry if it sounds arrogant in any of them. people seem to think i'm cool. for what reason, i don't know. i try to keep my distance, but they flock to me like bees to honey. do you even know what kind of torture it is when you want to be alone and you have a group of five (or more) people around you simply because they love being near you? it's annoying as hell.

and my mother won't shut up about it. i swear, some days i think she only sends me to school so i can graduate and make money.

actually, that's a definite fact. it's all she talks about.

number one--

i'm so ridiculously fat. it's like a state of being. it might have been a bad idea to rip my carpet out, because now i have this amazing tile floor that's just PERFECT for weighing myself accurately on. so i put my scale in my room. i sleep with it across the room from me. i weigh myself whenever i feel like it.

which is a lot, if you haven't figured that out by now.

the only thing that makes me feel slightly better is that i went to the movies with one of my old friends and we were chatting. and i really don't know where it came from, but he said, "you're not fat." i think it's while we were sharing fries. he was actually the only person for months to notice that i wasn't eating, and every time we would hang out, he would make sure we had time to buy something and would try to get me to eat. whatever the reason, it made me feel better. probably because i had the worst crush on him for five years. the last two of those were spent trying to figure out why he liked my friend and not me. conclusion: she was skinny. ironically, the boy she had a crush on wouldn't go out with her because he thought she was too skinny. weird.

anyway, i don't want to go to school with my semi-ripped sneakers every morning so i can have people pronounce-- and spell-- my name wrong while i'm trying to not think about my best friend's girlfriend, then come home to deal with my mother (who apparently has a better love life than me) and stress over my outrageous body fat percentage.

but damn, that school gym is worth suffering through all of it.

honestly.

incomplete and insecure.

i haven't posted in a few days. i came down with some sort of cold. not hurricane related, because i barely felt a raindrop on my forehead. but i went outside on sunday and then suddenly i was sneezing and having rhino-stampede headaches. but i'm getting better. at least physically. actually, no. i have a headache right now. i love children's vitamins, by the way. they're chewy and have amazing shapes. whoever decided to make dinosaur shaped vitamins deserves a prize.

i've also been catching up with my best friend/ brain twin. ever since he started going out with this girl (about a year ago), he hasn't been able to talk as much. she doesn't like him talking to other girls. but apparently it's okay for her to spend more than a casual amount of time with other guys while he's away. i could look past the possessiveness, because he looks a bit like jake gyllenhaal and he's completely sincere. but not this. seriously.


what kind of idiot cheats on a guy like that?

you know what's terrible? when you like someone and you can't tell them, so you put them in the best friend category. it's like shooting yourself in the foot during a marathon. but their relationship is on the rocks. which is, in theory, good for me. but horrible for him. so i'm hoping they don't break up. especially since he told me he loved me like a brofriend. which is just weird. a bit disappointing too. i don't want this to end up like my best friend's wedding. maybe like some kind of wonderful. maybe i should tell her that if she breaks his heart, i'll break her face. or maybe i should just surprise her.

this whole situation is a badly tossed salad of emotions. he once said something along the lines of "we have more in common than me and my girlfriend." which could just be nothing more than an observation. but "you're an okay looking girl, and i'm an all right looking guy. we could probably work together" is slightly less than vague. (luckily, that was over a year ago.) i'll be talking to myself all day about this.

why the week before school? if this had all happened two months ago, i would've been okay with it. now instead of getting ready for school, i'll be wondering if i really like him and deciding i do, but that nothing will happen because of my deep seeded personal insecurities.

by the way, what the hell is a brofriend? i mean, if a girl says that to a guy, then sure, okay. but a guy saying it to a girl?! i plan to take out my confusion and slight frustration on my carpet today. i'm ripping it out of my room. why? i don't know. and i'm probably going to get started on his christmas gift tonight. i'm making a frog teddy bear.

i should probably stop listening to love songs. or at least we could be so good together by the doors. maybe some smiths.


please, please, please, let me get what i want. lord knows it would be the first time~


ACTUALLY. i think i'll just blast some rob zombie.

honestly.