overdue.

yikes. meant to do this yesterday.

so i didn't go see my grandmother, but i did go to the other party where i saw my lovely sister. it turned out only the salad and rice were vegan and my mother was like, "it's rude to come to a party and not eat anything after they cooked so much." so i had some salad and some rice. while my sister and i were making the salad, the lady whose house we were at looked at the two of us and said, "it's amazing that i don't usually see her eat and yet she's still so big." and i was smiling and laughing because what does she know, right? i said it's because my sister always ate real food while i opted for the sweeter side of the supermarket. then my sister and i were talking about ourselves and i mentioned that i wish i had her legs. and she goes, "why, what's wrong with yours?" i couldn't explain it to her. then after we both finished eating, we were sitting on a bed watching heroes (which i've never seen in my life, but it looks interesting). and like, her collarbones... amazing.

dammit.

anyway, i saw her again today. we both got kindle fires. christmas gifts. lovely.

the overdue part, actually, is my current weight which is one hundred and twenty eight pounds. it didn't seem all that big until i spent time with my sister who's like ninety eight pounds. and then it was like, oh. yeah. i'm still fat.

SO... MOVING ON TO A HAPPIER TOPIC.

my friend (who ends up being bitchy from time to time, although i'll never tell her that because i'd feel like one too) decided to make me her nutritionist. the irony is killing me. i don't eat healthy, but apparently i know more about losing weight than she does. so we're going to hold each other accountable. i told her to start using a food journal. i said we'll officially start on the first day of the new year. so we're fitness and food journal buddies. and i told her that my amazingly skinny sister and i basically have the same bone structure, i just eat worse (this line works for me; i use it often) so i won't have to explain to her why i'm suddenly one hundred pounds later on.

and i'm on treadmill mania right now. even my mother is tired of hearing about it.

IF I HAD THE TREADMILL, I'D STOP TALKING ABOUT IT SO MUCH.

some lady said she wondered why i didn't look more like my sister. (to be honest, that party sucked BALLS and if my sister hadn't been there, i would've left. WHY THE HELL WERE ALL THESE FAT PEOPLE ASKING ME WHY I WASN'T SKINNY LIKE HER!?) i told her i'm working on it.

seriously, though. i'm working on it.

i'm tired of being the big sister. i'm supposed to be the little sister.

i'll get there, sooner or later.

honestly.

i hate children.

just kidding. i actually kinda like the little brats.

BUT GAWD. I FEEL LIKE SUCH A WEIRDO.

WARNING: levels of honesty about to enter "seriously awkward".


[insert button smashing]

damn my little cousin. she's so fucking adorable. and her legs are so tiny. yes. this is what it's come to. a five year old as thinspiration. [more button smashing] she's always skipping around me. seriously, she's the cutest thing ever. she's adopted and she knows it. but honestly, she acts like her parents adopted her, but i've always been part of her family. whenever she sees me, her eyes light up and she gives me a hug. which is fine.

EXCEPT FOR TODAY, WHEN ALL THE LITTLE KIDS WHO WERE AROUND STARTED HUGGING ME TOO.

of course, i didn't eat until i got home about two hours ago, and i didn't eat all day. but still. either i've totally lost my mind, or i'm becoming jealous of little children. so many tiny arms and legs.

*sobs*

they were just everywhere. like the plague. they wouldn't go away. i had to hide in a bathroom for fifteen minutes. it was torture. WHY DO THEY LOVE ME SO MUCH. i'm so grotesquely fat. this other girl, about fourteen, she's amazingly skinny. (i've mentioned her before, the bitch from august. we're on better terms now.) but you know what's odd... these kids don't like super skinny. they like women with a little meat on their bones. for taking naps on thighs and bouncing on legs while killing time. BUT I HATE IT. it's horrible.

but they're so cute. <3 fuckin' children. that doesn't stop that skinny girl from playing with them. and still, they gravitate toward me. i pretend to beat them up, i push them to the ground, (don't call the police, nobody ever gets hurt) and they still run up to me with their sparkling eyes and rosy cheeks. ugh. even this little girl i just met today kept following me around for hugs. EVEN AFTER I PUSHED HER AWAY AND SAID "WHO ARE YOU!!?!" damn children. i totally caved after a while, though. (she was so adorable. i felt so guilty.)

speaking of guilt, way to get people gifts, missinsanity. people don't ever buy me presents. not even my parents, really. aunts, uncles, friends-- it's a rare event. it's because i always give off the impression that i don't need anything to live off of. who needs gifts when you have a guitar, a notebook and a pencil? WELL I DO. so anyway, i bought one of my oldest friends another giants hoodie. (GO GIANTS <3) he didn't think i would really get it, but when i did, he was like, "oh... damn. you always get me stuff. i have to get you something really nice now." which is cool and everything, but what the fuck, man!? it was his idea to exchange gifts. (i would've gotten it regardless.) and he wasn't the only one. now i think people are going to buy me gifts just because i got them gifts. which is totally annoying.

i mean, yes, i'd love presents. but i want them to be purchased because people were thinking about me. not because i fucking got you something. DON'T BUY ME SHIT BECAUSE I BOUGHT YOU SHIT BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT YOU. BUY ME SHIT BECAUSE YOU CARE ABOUT ME YOU FUCKED UP BASTARDS.

okay. glad i got that out.

now. getting back to today. until i got home, i only drank water and one fourth of a diet dr. pepper. so total calories were like, nothin'. THEN I GOT HOME AND OMG FEWD.

fortunately, i'd place total calories consumed around... eight hundred. IT COULD BE WORSE. (if i keep telling myself that, maybe i'll start to believe it.)

cheers for still having laxatives left over from months ago. more cheers for my mother saying the treadmill will be here by wednesday or thursday. and finally, cheers for christmas presents i'll be receiving based on guilt.

guilt. number one motivator since FOREVER.

surprisingly, i might not eat tomorrow. christmas party hopping= no time for munching.

now i'm off to write "treadmill" all over my notes. i'm totally in love with it. <3

and i haven't even seen it yet.

*sigh*

can't wait for christmas to end.

honestly.

any day now, i'll be thin.

the world's gone mad. or at least i have.

before we get to that, here's the plan.

my mother's staying home sometime before new year's, at which point, she will pick up the treadmill. it's been a long time coming, in my opinion. hopefully, i actually get it this time. seriously. so then, after i get the treadmill, BEFORE new year's day (remember that, it's important), i spend some time with it. figure out how i'll fit it into my schedule. because on new year's day, i start the abc. brilliant, really, because 50 days into the new year will be two days before my birthday. hopefully i can do like, one hour on the treadmill in the morning and one hour on the treadmill at night. (inspired by my wonderfully thin aunt who's probably against sending my grandmother to costa rica.)

and of course i'll stick to it, because that's my birthday present to myself.

i told my mom she didn't need to get me anything for christmas because i only wanted a treadmill. and this morning i made her breakfast. just being nice to make sure she'll go through with it.

i managed to cancel the shindig at my place, thankfully. i don't want to have people eating in my house when i'm trying not to.

and now for the main part.

yesterday, all i had was tea until about 8pm. but oh, the hash browny goodness. i think i drooled on myself when i smelled them. (not really.) and then it happened. so yeah. it was like...

to add insult to injury, i asked my mom how many hash browns she wanted this morning for breakfast and she said one. MY MOTHER HAS BETTER SELF CONTROL THAN ME. [insert button smashing here, with a hint of self-directed anger.] that's shameful.

that being said, i can't wait until i get that treadmill.

.....

any day now.

oh yeah. and i was watching "superskinny me" which, to be completely honest, went completely against the purpose of the film. if anything, it got me excited. very excited. man, when i saw louise on the treadmill and then slipping into those size double zero jeans. i was like, awww yeah. burning calories. of course, when i saw kate.....well, it wasn't as inspiring. not in the same way. just goes to show you, if you stick to it, you'll see progress. seriously, though, it was a five week experiment (or something like that.) and louise was amazing.

but yeahhh, that's not what it was for. whatever. i still like it.

now i think i'm going to.... go back to sleep. i feel all yawny and stuffs.

honestly.

the pied piper is not cool.

i used to think the pied piper was the coolest fictional character ever. i mean, what's cooler than a guy with a pipe saving an entire town from villainous rats?

UNTIL I FOUND OUT HE TOOK A BUNCH OF KIDS INTO A CAVE.

so there goes that.

yesterday, i totally passed my final. i'm very happy about that. and then red and i (he's in that class, which made it really fun) we had a chat. turns out we both didn't register for classes yet, so we'll probably end up in the same classes again next semester. which is awesome because he's a great study buddy. (you never study, you just end up laughing a lot.) and he said if he has another party over the break, he'll let me know. which is great because his girlfriend (soon to be ex-girlfriend, muahahahahahaha) made it totally weird. the bear wouldn't come because he lives all the way out in the middle of nowhere. and the pirate said we have to hang out over the break too. but she lives all the way out in the middle of nowhere too. well, we'll see what happens.

i'll tell you how much i weigh on sunday, by the way.

speaking of sunday, it's going to be super busy. my aunts are shipping my grandmother back to costa rica. i think it's horrible. they're total witches sometimes. so they're having a farewell party for her. completely evil. i hate it. might not go. but then, i want to see my grandma. then two of my friends are leaving for college in alabama in january, so i said we could all have a great lunch kind of thing at my house. and it's too late to cancel. on the bright side, since it's my house, i can say i don't feel like eating and hopefully be left alone. (then again, my house is messy as hell so i have to spend basically every day until then cleaning up.) then later, there's a christmas party at my sister's god-mother's house. which should be awesome, because at that house, they don't care if i eat or drink. they're totally chill.

only two months left until my birthday. yay. hopefully i'll get to go somewhere... like spirit lake, iowa or something. i don't know. i just want to get out of my house for my birthday. bad things happen when i stay home on my birthday.

now i have to get to school so i can return this library book. (before it closes and they charge me three million dollars.) and i have to get ready to teach an old friend of mine how to play the guitar a little.

omigosh. how could i forget. there's this girl at my college who is cooler than like, everyone. she's a drummer. she saw me play the bass guitar at the winter concert and then she was like, "you're always saying how cool i am, but check out how cool you are." and i was totally blushing. (don't laugh at me :p) IT'S LIKE IF ALBERT EINSTEIN CAME UP TO YOU AND SAID, "i'm not a genius, you're the genius."

mind.

blown.

and then she was like, see you next semester. and my eyes got all sparkly and whatnot. i'm not going to bore you with all the details of how cool i think she is. but she's pretty freaking cool. and she's skinny. she has the coolest sense of style. [insert button smashing here] SHE'S SO COOL. (way cooler than that pied piper. definitely.)

best part: she gave me a hug. :) I LOVE HUGS.

okay, i'm done. for now, at least.

honestly.

fascination.

the greatest update EVER. (prepare yourself.)

november:

after realizing i liked someone, who i shall refer to only as the bear, i started eating candy less. around the second week of the month, my mother was dropping a friend of mine home when she started talking about my eating habits (which to be fair, had "improved" by her standards). he laughed and said it was hard to believe that i ate so little and yet i was so "big". then he backpedaled and said, "not fat, really, just not tiny." it was uncomfortable. it was about then that i started eating less and more at the same time. like, i'd eat nothing one day and then stuff my face the next day. and since i found out the bear liked someone, i tried to keep my distance a little.

because, of course i'd rather have him happy and just like me as a friend than be unhappy and with me as something more than that. and of course i would say that and not believe it very much in my own heart.

spent a good deal of my time daydreaming and becoming real friends with the amazingly talented red. 


deleted all of my thinspo, though. that was stupid, i had a pretty decent collection.

december:

(fortunately only a handful of days passed by.)

happened to hear red on the phone with his friend, discussing the ins and outs of his current relationship. (break-up approaching in the near future.) the next day he gave me a cd of his band's music. did better in the classes i was doing poorly in, and worse in the classes i was doing well in. apparently, i can't balance. one or the other.

aside from that, nothing really happened. i did my best to not lose my mind and did a pretty good job of it until this past thursday? wednesday? something around there. and the concert this weekend was splendid. i got to hug the bear, although that was after he introduced the pirate to his 'rentals. (parents, if you're not familiar with that. and yes, he's the guy from the hallowe'en party.) and tomorrow, according to my impulsive nature, i'll either be telling him i like him after i fail my final (joking about that last bit,... hopefully) OR i'll be telling him nothing after i fail my final (seriously, though, i can't fail this final). i wrote a sappy 80's style love song about this whole affair, but of course, he'll never hear of it. unless things change.

and what about food? well, we're still terrible enemies, although closer than before.

and i've developed a deeper love for audrey hepburn. and still madly in love with french music.

i need to stop watching these hepburn movies and get to sleep, though.

i keep filling my head with these silly ideas about love and romance. i should stop doing that, or at least take a break, before i ruin the end of my year.

honestly.

p.s. i went to a restaurant last night with about 30 other people. a little going away feast for a friend, or so i was told. i had a shirley temple (extra virgin, according to the handsome waiter). amazingly i did not eat anything. not even the cherry on top. cheers. if only i could do that every day for the next three months.

i like to eat apples and bananas.

i love that song. it's so much fun.

so yeah, lesson learned. never eat like normal people just because they say things like, "why won't you eat?" it's not half as fun as they pretend it is. it's almost as if food is so depressing that everything else pales in comparison. (finals? didn't study? who cares, i ate breakfast this morning. that's something to worry about.) at least i've only gained like six pounds from giving in to peer pressure. it could be worse.

i've been spending a lot of time outdoors lately, to the point where i haven't had much time to eat. which is basically when i realized how much i missed not eating. (does that even make sense?) on the bright side, now everyone thinks i'm normal again. which is good. on the other hand, the year is almost over and i feel like a giant container of bleah.

yay for the school year finally being over (basically).

and can you believe i still haven't gotten that treadmill?! rawr.

now i'm going to go brush the dust off of my food diary and practice for this school concert that's happening tomorrow. gosh, can you imagine what it would look like if i had been writing in it?

so...i'm back. i missed it here. i had to keep myself really busy to stay away. at least i have darling friends who took care of me. but it's not the same. the world is quiet here.

really, nothing too out of the ordinary happened while i was away. except for me actually doing my homework and handing it in on time. it was weird.

i'll give you a proper update tomorrow. it's the least i can do after my disappearing act. x:

honestly.