this was one crazy week. i'm going to try to keep everything as concise as possible. shouldn't be too hard.
monday.
i've been avoiding going to church because when i go there i come home suicidal. which is obviously what's supposed to happen, right? (sarcasm. just so you know.) anywho, turns out my pastor wanted to come check up on me. i wasn't about to let that happen. so i stayed at school for a ridiculous amount of time. and told one of my friends-- uhmm, let's call her....jitterbug-- i was officially bi. and then i told her about sticks, at which point she got all excited and told me she was bi too. good times.
tuesday.
ran into sticks all over the place, then got hit with the mean reds in the worst way. i went mental, honestly. (more so than usual.) sometimes, if i feel overly anxious, i want to smoke. which isn't usually an issue. but all day on tuesday, it was. everywhere i went, people didn't believe i was old enough to buy cigarettes so they wouldn't sell any to me. bastards. and my advisor (who's also my teacher for one of those classes i didn't do a research paper for) told me she notices that sometimes i'm kind of spaced out and then sometimes i'm focused. and then i told her, i know, i'm working on it. which, i suppose, put her mind at ease. but not too long after that, i was really unhappy, irritated, pissed--i dunno what. so i was sitting outside, and sticks popped up and gave me her number because she was worried and said to call her and stuff. and i told banana-- technically, jitterbug did-- about my crush and she was like, "i knew that already." SHE DOES THAT A LOT. it annoys me. (well, you'll see.)
and banana and i went to the gym together. i loved it. the pirate girl flaked on me and we never worked out together. lamee.
wednesday. (or, i guess, yesterday.)
woke up feeling like absolute crap. felt like everyone was judging me. especially my teachers. so i was selectively mute for most of the day. talked only when i had to. didn't smile until much later when i was hanging out with banana under a staircase. we had a chat about suicide, which is a terrible conversation topic when you're feeling unhappy and anxious, but i'm not sure she picks up on emotional cues like most people. and she never takes her meds, because she's all about the all natural approach. that's terrible, of course, because now she's cutting way more than she should and yeah, i don't want her to, but i can't stop her, you know? like, she's got blood on her sleeves these days. she's always frustrated because she wants to go raw but she can't control herself and she thinks she's eating too much-- but i'm getting off topic. while we were talking about suicide, this girl passed by and told me to come with her.
so i have to actually explain this. (which means that this isn't going to be as short as i'd planned.) this girl is like, a swan. swans are a symbol of hypocrisy in some places, because they have white feathers but black flesh. so this girl, she seems to be really together at a standard glance, but she's got things she's dealing with. but even so, she's still amazing, you know? i mean, who gives a damn if a swan has black flesh under its white feathers? it's still gorgeous. so through a series of complex events, we realized that we're pretty similar. in terms of like, mental problems. okay, now back to the story.
so i got up and left with her and banana was like, where are you going? (as if she doesn't do that to me all the time.) and i said, i have to go with her. (her being the swan..... how about odette? swan lake references. so many nicknames.) and then odette asked me if i was okay. i lied, she saw through me. then we got to talking about stuff. like how my senses feel overstimulated from time to time. and how she wishes she had gotten help sooner, because her life was out of control. and we had a laugh about our spending sprees. we both just buy things that we don't have any space or need for, just because we feel like it. she said normal feels good. then she said, "lithium. valproate. pick one, take it. once you know what normal feels like, you'll love it. trust me." so i might take her advice. but that's a big might. then she told me if i didn't have any classes left, i should probably go home. i should've listened to her.
after that, i went to friendly's with jitterbug and her boyfriend and these other people. and one of the guys was talking about this girl at our school, and he said he'd love to see that girl fight jitterbug because that girl is like, ninety pounds and jitterbug is like, one hundred and five. and then he said it was cool that the other girl was ninety five pounds, but eighty five is better. it made me realize how weird that sounds in casual conversation. (he was joking, but i agreed in my mind.) so the whole "i'm vegan" thing worked for me. i had a drink, apple slices and then had some fries. i got to pass on like, half the menu. it was awesome. but the whole "ninety good, eighty five better" thing put me in a weird state. so i went to the store and bought a pack of laxatives and took four as soon as i left. and then i smoked three cigarettes on the way home, which didn't at all work the way it was supposed to. but whatever.
did that make sense? i think so.
oh yeah. while i was talking to odette, banana passed on her way to class and she saw odette taking her medication. and she looks at me and mouths. "what are you doing? you're taking pills aren't you." and i'm like, no. but then she goes, "yes you are, i see you." which is totally annoying. she always thinks she knows what's going on when she really doesn't. but i realized it's easier to let her think she's right than to argue with her.(that's how it is with most people.)
whew. on a random note, i've been doing my homework lately. (shocking, right?) and this girl (who has a bad habit of filling me in on the intimate details of her sex life) told me she noticed i was losing weight. to which i didn't respond naturally, because she also has a bad habit of talking about things that she shouldn't comment on at all. she was the one who talked about the bulimic girl who was in hospital she used to work at and she was ALSO the one who asked owl girl what size she wears. she also keeps mentioning that i weigh more than her. annoying at times, but i can tune her out. it's true though. my jeans are really baggy these days.
and i finally broke that freakin plateau i was on. i'm at one-twenty four now. (yay.) now i'm going to do my homework, then get my bike fixed. riding to school and back was some serious exercise. i can't wait to get down to eighty five. i'm hoping i can at least get to one hundred and seven by may seventeenth.
SO MUCH EXERCISE. (and so many gallons of water.)
okay, that's enough. i should go finish my homework. i don't want to have to take this class over.
honestly.
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