BUT GAWD. I FEEL LIKE SUCH A WEIRDO.
WARNING: levels of honesty about to enter "seriously awkward".
[insert button smashing]
damn my little cousin. she's so fucking adorable. and her legs are so tiny. yes. this is what it's come to. a five year old as thinspiration. [more button smashing] she's always skipping around me. seriously, she's the cutest thing ever. she's adopted and she knows it. but honestly, she acts like her parents adopted her, but i've always been part of her family. whenever she sees me, her eyes light up and she gives me a hug. which is fine.
EXCEPT FOR TODAY, WHEN ALL THE LITTLE KIDS WHO WERE AROUND STARTED HUGGING ME TOO.
of course, i didn't eat until i got home about two hours ago, and i didn't eat all day. but still. either i've totally lost my mind, or i'm becoming jealous of little children. so many tiny arms and legs.
*sobs*
they were just everywhere. like the plague. they wouldn't go away. i had to hide in a bathroom for fifteen minutes. it was torture. WHY DO THEY LOVE ME SO MUCH. i'm so grotesquely fat. this other girl, about fourteen, she's amazingly skinny. (i've mentioned her before, the bitch from august. we're on better terms now.) but you know what's odd... these kids don't like super skinny. they like women with a little meat on their bones. for taking naps on thighs and bouncing on legs while killing time. BUT I HATE IT. it's horrible.
but they're so cute. <3 fuckin' children. that doesn't stop that skinny girl from playing with them. and still, they gravitate toward me. i pretend to beat them up, i push them to the ground, (don't call the police, nobody ever gets hurt) and they still run up to me with their sparkling eyes and rosy cheeks. ugh. even this little girl i just met today kept following me around for hugs. EVEN AFTER I PUSHED HER AWAY AND SAID "WHO ARE YOU!!?!" damn children. i totally caved after a while, though. (she was so adorable. i felt so guilty.)
speaking of guilt, way to get people gifts, missinsanity. people don't ever buy me presents. not even my parents, really. aunts, uncles, friends-- it's a rare event. it's because i always give off the impression that i don't need anything to live off of. who needs gifts when you have a guitar, a notebook and a pencil? WELL I DO. so anyway, i bought one of my oldest friends another giants hoodie. (GO GIANTS <3) he didn't think i would really get it, but when i did, he was like, "oh... damn. you always get me stuff. i have to get you something really nice now." which is cool and everything, but what the fuck, man!? it was his idea to exchange gifts. (i would've gotten it regardless.) and he wasn't the only one. now i think people are going to buy me gifts just because i got them gifts. which is totally annoying.
i mean, yes, i'd love presents. but i want them to be purchased because people were thinking about me. not because i fucking got you something. DON'T BUY ME SHIT BECAUSE I BOUGHT YOU SHIT BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT YOU. BUY ME SHIT BECAUSE YOU CARE ABOUT ME YOU FUCKED UP BASTARDS.
okay. glad i got that out.
now. getting back to today. until i got home, i only drank water and one fourth of a diet dr. pepper. so total calories were like, nothin'. THEN I GOT HOME AND OMG FEWD.
fortunately, i'd place total calories consumed around... eight hundred. IT COULD BE WORSE. (if i keep telling myself that, maybe i'll start to believe it.)
cheers for still having laxatives left over from months ago. more cheers for my mother saying the treadmill will be here by wednesday or thursday. and finally, cheers for christmas presents i'll be receiving based on guilt.
guilt. number one motivator since FOREVER.
surprisingly, i might not eat tomorrow. christmas party hopping= no time for munching.
now i'm off to write "treadmill" all over my notes. i'm totally in love with it. <3
and i haven't even seen it yet.
*sigh*
can't wait for christmas to end.
honestly.
5 comments:
you and i both. they're so adorable it makes our hearts explode, but most of the time we need them to disappear off into fits of oblivion when they get too annoying, but hey, i'm a kid, so i mostly can withstand them up to a certain point. some children act more grown-up than me actually. but just yesterday i was cutting up veggies and eating steamed ones with my 10-year-old cousin and we had a delightful insightful conversation (yet again, she's 10.)
oh my God. YOU TOO?! my 10 year old cousin weighs like 50lbs and is stick thin and eats like there's no tomorrow most of the time, and has a BMI of 16.4 (yes, i calculated that). OMG...i thought i was just going insane or something.
children can be the BEST amount of thinspo because they're stick thin no matter what. O____O
ahhh. my little cousin once saw me wearing this fitted purple top (i never wear fitted clothing, i wear huge Iron Maiden shirts and sweaters made for girls five times my size) and the first thing she said was 'you're really skinny'. i blushed. so hard. but i don't wear fitted clothes for a good reason. i lose half a pound and they can SEE it for some reason. it's like i'm wearing a sign with 'SAMMY LOST X AMOUNT OF WEIGHT'. worst when you're trying to get down by not 5 or 6, 10 and 20 and 30 and 40 and 50 and 60 pounds lower than you really are.
i totally have this thing where i buy people gifts. i buy loads of gifts, and feel guilty when someone buys me something so i feel the need to give them a gift for giving me a gift. makes any sense? i hope so. and the feel a need to give me another gift but they don't realise that starts an NEVER ENDING cycle.
i wouldn't buy you a gift just because it's a holiday season. Hell if i had things my way (and i'm Arab), i'd probably give it to you after holiday season (us Arabs are procrastinators on EVERYTHING) and i personally always get people something i can laugh about later, a kind of small inside joke. like if i was going to give you anything, i'd probably give you a Skeleton Jack hoodie or a Nirvana t-shirt, because i'm damn original like that. ;) <3
i definitely got that fail. LOL. <3
totally could be worse. definitely.
OMG OMG CAN I BORROW A LAX FROM YOU
fucking constipation.
dammit. i can give you my torture device if you want. sheesh, missinsanity. <3
honestly.
yours truly, in drugs and zombies, Sam Lupin.
I don't like kids that much :( But they can be thinspo if you like :D They are all so teeny tiny! Ooooo nirvana t! gimme :P xx
lol ur lucky in tht sense, my most vivid recollection was this little girl who prompted me into admitting I was fat myself & another little girl asking "if ur vegetarian then why are u so fat?" i swear those 2 comments coming from 2 little 8 yr olds has stuck w/ me & driven me 2 do the craziest things. at any rate 800 rly isnt that bad, & im fasting 2morrow too. so gud luck! & jst so u know, laxatives dnt rly do anything besides flush down ur bowels. the calories r already absorbed in the upper intestines so u dnt lose real weight from laxies. just water. sry abt tht. stay strong<3
I dislike children. especially huggy ones I don't know. The right to touch me must be earned. Haha. And once, my little sister walked up to me, grabbed my stomach, and said: Why is your tummy fat? So, yeah. Kids. I could live without 'em. Is that horrible to say? Not that I have much of a filter, anyway.
I guess I'm one of those guilty gift-givers. I always have a gift to give, but I eel horrible if the other person has clearly put more thought into the gift and try to make up for it. Happened with my older sister today. Family issues, man.. Sorry you were unhappy with your intake, but really, 800 on Christmas is not bad at all. Well done!
xx
i hatee little girls. little boys are okay because i never consider them thinner than me. But little girls make me so jealous because i remember being so proud when i wasnt "curvy" :x
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