confidence.

i'm not a brave person, i don't think. if i have to do something that makes me feel nervous, it usually takes a lot of encouragement from other people. but i actually did something (brave) on my own for once. it feels...kinda awesome.

so, i don't know if you remember that really cool girl who's a drummer and stuff. (her awesomeness is immeasurable.) anyway, her birthday was on sunday. she doesn't talk to many people, so i was really glad the other day when she said she considered me one of her friends. if i could've cried, i would have. so i got her a birthday present. chocolates and a keychain. she's so cool. i made her smile! highlight of my week, i swear. it's kinda weird, because basically everyone thinks i'm obsessed with her or something. and now that i think about it, i talk about her like i'd talk about guys i have a crush on. i don't know. whatever.

after i gave her her presents, i was so happy that i wandered around in a happy daze.

then this guy i used to have a crush on, we were hanging out and he was like, "you look good, have you been working out?" and i was like, ".....no." but it was cool, because i think the last time he saw me i was five pounds heavier. (one twenty five. still.) but it made me feel like people really notice even the slightest change. at least, i hope they do.

FOR THE RECORD, IF I DID LIKE THAT REALLY COOL DRUMMER CHIC (WHO I'D PROBABLY NICKNAME STICKS FOR THE SAKE OF NOT BEING ABLE TO THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE), I'D WANT TO BE AS SKINNY AS SHE IS (and then some). she's my height and-- she's just so adorable. i bet she's between ninety and one hundred. and she's so relaxed. she said she'd put the keychain on her keys. obvious win, there.

where was i? oh yeah. banana and i are going raw, starting tomorrow. she and i may not see eye to eye all the time, but i guess we're pretty close. we understand each other, so we can have honest conversations. like, she tells me that she cuts and i tell her that i hate eating. and we accept each other, issues and all. so yeah. we're going raw. eighty-ten-ten raw. which basically means we can only eat fruits and vegetables. because i think all the food has to be low fat. and since we both eat baby food, we should be fine. she helped motivate me to do my homework. she's cool with me. especially since she's all about losing weight these days. anywho...

sticks. i like it. today, i was holding my drum and she started playing it while i was standing there. i was so happy. but not as happy as her. her face lit up. i think i squeal, giggle, or stare in amazement whenever she's talking to me. (could ya be anymore obvious, missinsanity?!) she's like a kid sometimes. gotta love it. i...... IVBSDFJNK totally have a crush on her, don't i. typical. i'm going to see if she wants to go to this concert in may. or maybe she'll come to my recital. or the school concert. or maybe we'll just hang out and become really good friends. hopefully...all of the above, right? i still can't get over the fact that she thinks i'm cool. one of our friends is under the impression that i'm in love with her. hurrrr. i don't care either way. (actually, i do.) it doesn't really matter. (it does. a lot.) if she likes me, cool. if she doesn't, cool. (no, if she doesn't, i'll act like an abandoned puppy for the whole summer.

you always want what you can't have. (except for solos. which i totally got, after weeks of practicing.)

honestly.