the lonely room where the self must be honest.

i finally slept, thanks to pancreatic-shock-inducing levels of sugar in my coffee. (what goes up must come down. i'm still waiting for the moon to fall.) it was a kind of sleep i haven't had in a while, the one where you're awake--marvelously and dangerously awake-- and then suddenly you're waking up, looking around confused, wondering how long you've been in that spot, with some silly dream trying to pull you back into unconsciousness. i hated it, but i needed it. much like many other things in my life right now.

i put a list of goals and objectives on my bedroom door at the beginning of the month. if anyone besides my cat had the balls to come in my room, i'd be-- for lack of a better phrase-- in deep shit. i'm thinking about taking them down, putting them somewhere else, and filling that space with a quote from franz kafka. you know, the guy who wrote that story with the bug-man and the weird family. metamorphosis. but here's the quote. i dig it.

from a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back.

that is the point that must be reached.

it feels like something i should chant to myself, or put a melody to and sing in the shower. i love finding quotes that make me hiss, yes, exactly! that's it! so suddenly that my cat jumps and glares at me. i have a small journal exclusively for these quotes. it's not quite full, but it certainly is far from empty. much like many other things in my life right now.

i like it, because i reached the boundary line to that point with my family a while ago. my mother would call it my 'don't-care attitude'. i suppose that's fairly accurate. once i stopped caring about my sister was saying, or what my mother was saying, i placed myself out of their grasp. mostly. my sister doesn't make jokes about being a size zero while i'm the size of a baby elephant anymore. (or at least feel like one.) and my mother doesn't say much to me anymore. she's tried placating me by buying more vegan foodstuff for the fridge.  it doesn't work. i think they realize that i'm five comments away from shutting myself off from them.

i have to figure out where that point is for me. lately it occurs to me, what a strange, long trip it's been. i have a feeling it ends in relatively involuntary solitude, but i don't think i'll mind that as much as i should. it's not like it'll be any worse than where i am right now. wherever that point it, i think i'm getting close to it. i want to cross that line. i don't like the grass on this side of the fence. i don't know if that's good or bad, but i guess we'll see when i get there.

honestly.