it's not as bad as it seems.

two months of good behavior.

no late night parties. no drugs. no drinking. no smoking. no leaving home and staying at someone else's house for days.

instead, lots of studying. homework. coming home on time. keeping the house clean.

hell, i even took my piercings out. (don't ask me how i feel about this.)

didn't change much.

first of all, my crazed attempt at getting straight A's this semester was actually disturbingly impressive. worked in all of my classes except one. of course, it's that one class that drives me up the wall. second, being the good girl at home doesn't change a thing. my half sister (dad's side) is coming here in a little while, and my mother doesn't want her to stay here. and she came to see me, so we're just gonna leave and stay somewhere else. i already know that when i come back, i'm gonna get tons of shit for it, but i don't really care anymore.

on top of that, banana took the semester off.... halfway through the semester. her life got a little too crazy. i know i get mad at her and i'll say she's a total bitch, but i honestly do care about her. we still talk, but she's not here anymore. she knows how messed up i am, and i know how messed up she is. we used to look out for each other. so with her gone, all of my issues have been unleashed. like tuesday. i was pretty irritated because of that class i mentioned before. so i got up and walked out of the room. we have exactly four students in that class, so this wasn't a casual exit. took my wallet with me. to the bathroom. normally, banana would have been around, so i'd be a little more hesitant about whatever i was planning to do, but not anymore. anyway, i cut in the bathroom, came back to class like everything was cool. i probably wouldn't have done that if she was still around, because she would have run through our little checklist. (oh well.)

can't visit her right now, because her house is basically three hours away from mine by car, and i failed my road test. no license yet.

insanity definitely helps a lot when it comes to dealing with stuff. and isolation.

and teddy bears. i got a new teddy bear. i call him bones. he's adorable. he's got a little bow and everything.

you know what else helps? winter. i can't wait for mind-numbing cold weather. and snow. we had a decent amount of snow fall on tuesday. it was awesome. didn't stick though.

anyway, i'm okay despite all of that. (haha, which isn't saying much.) i have to finish cleaning up before i leave. i have to figure out what i'm going to eat with my sister, and i have to hide a lot of my stuff before she gets here. (like the pills under my bed and the razors i've got laying around.) and i have packages arriving today, but i probably won't be here when they do.... which sucks so hard. my mother's probably gonna flip her shit. (what else is new.) add the cherry on top: i'm skipping school today. (so much for being the perfect student.)

i'll try to keep this updated, but it's hard to remember what i have to do these days unless i write it down. and even then, i can't write things down unless i remember them. *sigh* but whatever. i hope you're all doing alright. better than me, even. seriously. i hope your brains are still functioning normally. i'm kind of just riding the wave of madness right now. i'll see where it takes me.

it's all wrong, but it's alright.

honestly.