moving forward.

i have this problem. it's called memory. since childhood, i've had this really great ability to remember things. that's not always helpful, especially when your self-esteem gets as low as mine does. it's really funny (tragic, actually) how something bad happens and then all of these other memories seem to pop up inside my brain.

i guess it would be the equivalent of playing football, tripping, and then thirty people piling on top of you. just for the sake of keeping you down. memory and i don't really work together well. still, every new year, i take some time to look back over the past year and see what kind of person i am. last night i told my best friend about three kinds of people-- the person i want to be, the person i am, and the person other people see me as-- and i told him i'd like all three to be the same one day. he said i'm close, but he doesn't fully know what kind of person i want to be, so obviously his opinion doesn't matter. (sad, but true.)

while i was thinking over 2013, i realized that a lot of the things i did, i wouldn't do again. some of the things i didn't do, i wish i had done. but i don't necessarily regret any of it. see, i'm trying to reach this point mentally where i can identify things that are my fault and things that aren't. every once in a while, when bad things happen, i get caught in this thought cycle that makes me feel like maybe the whole thing was my fault. sometimes it is, and sometimes it isn't. if a bad situation is my fault, i can't go back in the past and change it. i can only take responsibility and try to fix it. if a bad situation isn't my fault, i can't go back in the past and change it either. maybe i can try to help fix it, but i shouldn't feel bad about it.

i have many goals for the new year, as always, but my main goal for this year to keep moving forward. time moves on whether or not i do, and i don't want to get stuck in a pit of shame and self-pity (as i tend to from time to time). someone was talking to a group of young adults (and some not so young adults) the other day, and he said that humans have a tendency to believe the whole world revolves around them, and we need to stop thinking so much of ourselves all the time. one of my younger friends was sitting next to me, and he told me that i'm lucky i don't have that problem, because if i thought any less of myself, i'd be in serious trouble. my recurrent and intrusive memories don't ever help me feel better about anything. why dwell on the past? it's better to keep moving forward.

it's a new year. i plan to make it a good one. i plan to forget about the things that are behind me, and reach forward, for something better. (for all you finding nemo fans, take a page from dory's book. just keep swimming.)

i love all of you. :) so i hope it's a happy new year.

honestly.