round and round and round.

yesterday i didn't go to sleep because i stayed up writing a three page essay. apparently, the teacher only wanted one. (good news: she liked it anyway. lucky me.) i also stayed up studying for a test that turned out to be open notes. somehow i manage to function normally without sleep. unfortunately, with that comes a greater chance for impulsive behavior, a decreased possibility for logical thinking, and the knowledge that nothing will make any sense.

take this afternoon, for example. a friend of mine asked me out on a date. i said, sure i 'll come along. i have nothing better to do tonight. sleep? nah, i'll come hang out with you and some other people i don't know. i'd be a liar if i said i didn't have fun, but i can have fun with just about anyone. what wasn't fun was when he dropped me off at home, and was obviously going for what i assume is the standard finisher to every "date". i dodged, gave him a hug, and got the fuck out of that car. he's quite possibly the last person i would've expected to do something like that. but he did. and now it's there, in the air between us. (hopefully he picks me up for school tomorrow, though, i really don't think i want to take the bus.)

you know what doesn't make sense? crush # 2. the tiny creature who's had a crush on me for the past (approximately) four years. i know i said, i rejected him for a good reason and i'll probably keep that up because i'm stubborn. well, no. i actually really want to tell him i like him. but of course, now that i'm ready to go full david cassidy mode and start singing, "i woke up in love this morning," or "i think i love you," he's totally not paying attention to me. i mean, he is, kind of, but not the same as before. and i'm afraid it really is because he has me figured out. i don't like being predictable. and no matter what i do, he just looks at me the same way. he doesn't even give me good hugs anymore. he's just doing schoolwork and focusing on blahblahblah. school sucks.

i need sleep. my eyes are literally dying. i have class all day tomorrow, from the morning, until 9 at night, and i have no break-times. that being said, i'm probably going to stay away all night tonight too. i witnessed a really negative racial moment tonight and it upset me. a lot. so i'm going to watch malcolm x (the 1992 film), and then contemplate privileges and oppression. and then i'm going to do my homework for tomorrow. and if i finish all of this before 5 am, then i'll go to sleep. if not, i'll stay awake. two days in a row, yay. i don't count fifteen minute naps as sleep, although they do help. it has to be at least 2 hours for me to say i slept.

damn that crush # 2 for placing my mind in turmoil. i rejected that brainy kid and i rejected my friend tonight, all because of the hope that this stupid guy still likes me and won't reject me. i should make some tea and think about that too. my brain is going in circles, which is nice. sometimes it jumps from topic to topic to topic to topic, and sometimes it stays on a few topics for absurd periods of time. they're both nice, but the second one feels better right now. bleah. he has insomnia too. i should text him.

stay up all night before having to stay awake all day. text crush # 2. do homework. watch a movie. and finish it all before it's time to leave for school. this plan is so bad, it's good. i like it.

honestly.