ready. (or not.)

my final year of college begins this week. i thought i was ready for it until an old neighbor came to visit me on saturday afternoon.

my friendship with her is, as it is with most of my associates from my childhood, sketchy at best. we became friends because there was no one else around; we stayed friends because we were neighbors. once high school started for me, the first reason was invalid. once she moved, the second reason also fell to shit. so i was kind of surprised when she came by. (truth be told, i didn't even realize she had moved until about six or seven months after the fact, when i noticed her mother's car wasn't there.)

we stood in front of my house, awkwardly, as she rambled on about her life. i guess she thought i deserved to know. the space between us was obvious. the laughter was forced and painful. whenever one of us attempted to shorten the distance (probably unconsciously), the other would shift away. i'm ashamed to admit my eyes were glazing over while she spoke but honestly i didn't care. she told me about her dancing career, what she wanted to do in the future, and what she was currently doing. her new neighborhood, her new neighbors, how she felt about moving. we fell into our old routine; she rambled, i pretended to be interested.

somehow we ended up moving from the front of my house to the front of her old house, where i ended up in another semi-awkward conversation. her mother joined in. we talked, and talked, and talked until the streetlights came on, then her mother said they really had to go. but we should stay in touch. we exchanged numbers. they left, i came home.

i don't doubt the sincerity of our friendship then or now. we did try, in our own twisted way. but it made me think about how much i really value the majority of my college acquaintances. i'm no stranger to losing friends. i'm used to having "friends" who only want me around when it's convenient for them. i'm even familiar with people who pretend to be friends for their own personal gain or enjoyment. but thinking about the people i know from college, i figure i won't miss most of them. that fact alone makes me really glad i'll be too busy this year to see a lot of people. it also makes me feel a bit like a jerk because i'm sure a few of the people i'm thinking of consider me a close friend. (it's a side effect of subjectivity.)

whatever.

aside from the whole lack of a desire for the social aspect of college, i'm totally hyped to have papers to type, homework, a place to practice in peace, and a library to research and read in. my brain was starting to get bored. can't wait to get these neurons firing again.

honestly.