"what do you really hate about your life the most?" "myself, i think. probably."

my supervisor had to do this midterm evaluation of me. he also had to observe me with some of the patients. i felt like a complete fuck up the entire time. just like i've felt for the entirety of this internship. even though i love being there and i really want to work in psych when i'm certified and licensed, i feel like an idiot right now.

anyway, i asked him to let me see both of the evaluations. i have copies of the same papers, but the way i graded myself was completely different from the way he graded me. places where i gave myself 2's or 3's, he gave me 4's and 5's. you'd think that would make me happy, right? wrong. i was just disappointed and a bit upset with him. i'm the first undergrad intern he's ever taken, which apparently for him was a huge deal. but because of that, i feel like he's holding me to some lowered expectations of what an undergrad is capable of, instead of gauging me at my own level and taking from there. it's only been two months, i know. but still. he said that numbers are basically shit and the evaluation has no real value. everything we need to discuss, he brings up. this is true. but still.

i know i'm holding myself to higher standards and judging myself on stricter terms than he (or anyone else) ever will. that much is clear. but that makes me feel like maybe he should raise his expectations a bit. he always says things like, you're doing a lot better than i expected. and i see you're working on the things we talked about, that's great. and i feel fairly patronized. i know that's not what he intends but for fuck's sake. this has been a recurring theme in supervision. not that i feel patronized, but that i've got a high set of standards i hold myself to and measuring up to his standards really doesn't mean anything to me. let's just be completely honest here-- i probably won't ever do things as perfectly as i outline them in my head. basically, he said yesterday, patting me on the back, it's a self-esteem thing. you've really got to start having a bit of confidence in yourself. easier said than done, sir.

for the past two months, he's been telling me to get therapy (psychoanalytic not cognitive behavioral). it'll help, he says. you'll grow exponentially, he says. if it doesn't work then we'll try something else, he says. at first i used my regular list of excuses. he saw through all of those. then i said i would do it but first i had to find time in my schedule. now i've got the number of the therapist but i haven't called her. i probably won't until friday, and maybe not even then. there's too many factors involved. too many possible outcomes. too many risks.

i like to think i know myself fairly well and i already despise who i am. confronting my personal issues in therapy... just doesn't seem like a good idea to me. my supervisor said it's like getting a massage. it helps you out and loosens you up. i should have told him i'm not into massages either.

honestly.