lesson learned.

so i got kicked out of internship because i hadn't written enough logs. okay, i thought (after a long period of grumbling), i can deal with this. i'll just stick with it until i get this degree. meaning i'll be in college for another year. i can accept that because i'm pretty stubborn about getting this degree. one way or another, i'm getting this degree. seriously.

i can live with this. i'll be stuck at this school for another year. okay. fine.

banana and i are in the same major. she also got kicked out of internship. why? she missed a few days because she gets migraines. and no, she wasn't making it up, the weather's been pretty capricious here and she doesn't deal with the cold well. she called in and told her supervisor each time, naturally. still, our school said, blahblahblah, you've violated our contract. so now for her to get this degree, she also needs to be in college for another year. she did all her logs (as well as other assorted assignments).

this, i cannot live with. she'll be stuck at this school for another year. not okay. and not fine.

everyone was pretty upset when they found out. they say the people in charge of this major set the program up to fail us (as in all the students). but what can we do? we have no power here. so banana and i refused to accept what they offered us. you can graduate, they smiled. just not with this degree. we said no, thanks, we're getting it. and so we shall. hopefully. i didn't even mention that the other girl in my internship class suddenly returned to her state of origin without the degree. most likely a combination of my reason and banana's reason. (dropping like proverbial files.)

i'm pretty worried about her because she's not taking this well at all. (helping others really does help you, even if you're in the same boat.) also, waterbear ended up going to inpatient last year. she's out now, which i love, but i also feel bad, because i'm trying to move forward with my life. and i don't want to do the things we did together forever. i know that's not the foundation of our friendship but it's a pretty big brick. it's weird that i'm saying we're such great friends, and yet i don't think i'd be able to explain this to her. today is her birthday and i want to call her, but i don't because she wants to come pick me up so we can go smoke and drink with her other friends. i know she'll be hurt if i don't call but i don't know what i'll say if i do call. i just don't want to fall back into that. also i have a really bad habit of trying to be everyone's savior, which is partially why i didn't even have the motivation to do my homework last semester. worrying about your friends can get really depressing.

aside from that, i'm definitely moving forward with my life. i agreed to go to this therapist dude, although he sucks. but i'm learning how to speak up. he really, really sucks. but if i don't want to sit and listen to him talk for one hour, i have to say something, and not back down because he's old and i'm trying to be respectful and polite. i've got a lot to work on. but i'm getting there.

i think where i was when i wrote last time was a horribly dark place. but although the tunnel's gotten longer, i can still see the light at the end of it, so.... i'm going to keep moving forward.

although it irritates something deep within me that i can barely describe, i have to roll over/sit/stay/speak when the people at my school tell me to. i call it legalized prostitution because we sell ourselves for this piece of paper that really means very little at the end of the day. and yet it means a lot to us because it means a lot to someone else. i don't know. it's really silly. i don't like being told what to do and how to think. but i suppose what i never thought about was that i don't have to think the way i'm pretending to, i just need to play along long enough to graduate.

the hard part now isn't going to be doing the work, it's going to be finishing this phase of my life so i can move on.

but thanks for the positive vibes, i really appreciate it.

honestly.