the way things are (and the way they should be).

i'm trying very hard to swim, to keep my head above water. i replay genius next door by regina spektor, reminding myself that if i just hold in my breath until i come back up, if i just hold my breath until i think everything through... the perfection i've been handling my schedule with this semester is starting to slip. i need to tighten up. i'm giving myself too much rope. if i don't stop, i'm going to drown. sink or swim, they say.

i'm noticing my energy shift as the weather rises. not that the two are connected usually. i can have high energy in the winter as well. but for some reason, the sunlight is wreaking havoc with my brain. it's lighting up like a christmas tree on fire. i know it is because i'm holding eye contact too long. i like that i'm aware of it right now, though. i can still make good decisions. i just need to keep reminding myself, don't drink, don't drink, don't drink. as my energy spikes, my impulse control plummets. and so the story goes.

i'm doing yoga. that's supposed to help, theoretically. but all it's doing for me is making me comfortable in solitude. then, in comparison, when i'm around people, my anxiety begins to spike. sitting in class today, eyes closed, as a classmate played a piece he composed, i felt my muscles tense with every unexpected note. my teacher noticed the nervous twitch of my feet. my classmate noticed me fidgeting with my hands. sitting still is hard enough, without my eyes being closed and people watching me. yoga is failing me. but at least my flexibility is increasing.

i'm avoiding people again. i'm pretending to seek them out, so that they can't say i'm avoiding them. but when the time comes for me to actually be where they'd like me to be, i disappear. i can't handle people. at least, not all people. i have a new friend, a sophomore who's probably got a case of mild depression. he's an amazing singer. his voice made me have a fan girl moment. he's a nice kid. but he doesn't feel like college is right for him and yet he's basically stuck. he hates it. really. so he doesn't go to classes and he doesn't talk to people. he stays shut up inside his dorm room. he has very few friends. i'm glad to at least say i'm one of them. but i don't like seeing people unhappy. and his relationship with his family sounds like crap. i can relate. we bonded over the insanity of our mothers. (and finally, my mother is useful to me in a social context.)

i'm going to start scheduling myself more. tighter schedule, less room for improvisation. space for unexpected things of course, but not too much. i'm going to start breathing. i notice that i hold my breath. that's probably not helping with my anxiousness. i only remember to breathe after my lungs begin to shrivel and my heart beats on the door of my chest, telling me inhale, you dumb bitch! inhale! and so i do. and i'm going to stop pretending to seek people out. that's a huge waste of time in my schedule. i'm going to help this kid too, because i have a savior complex, and i can't stand to see someone in trouble.

i have to do things properly. i keep fucking up.

honestly.