it's all icing and no cake.

my mind has begun its mad climb upwards. it was all very unexpected. i realized it had happened after it happened. i feel like the crack fox from the mighty boosh. painfully insane.

i'm awake. wide. awake.

there's a lot of effluvia in my brain right now. too many people giving advice about emotions. too many emotions affecting how i feel about people. too much at once. very noisy.

did my homework, somehow. haven't been sleeping much. should probably do that tonight. i have to wake up and leave in a little less than four hours from now. not good.

i'm stuck in the middle of three options for my reaction to feeling things for arizona. the first option is to innocently and with as much purity of heart as i can muster, like him and let myself be tossed against the proverbial rocks if i must be, break and piece myself together. basically, to feel something. my second option is to shut down emotionally and protect myself from all the effort of piecing myself together after the possible breaking. the third option, the one i'll probably go with, is to pretend to innocently and purely like him, while secretly seducing him. this guarantees i'll have all the benefits of liking someone without the emotional poop in the toilet bowl of life.

of course these are all horrible, horrible options. and i wish there was a fourth, like "just fucking move on" but he's such a heartthrob.

all of this being said, my brain is very overactive right now. hyperactive? maybe just hyper.

i need to rest temporarily so that i can wake up soon an-

oh yeah. i started down at a highway today, contemplating the benefits of suicide. don't worry, i won't. but i was just thinking about how everyone i went to college with is either graduating or graduated, and i'm just a poor excuse for a prodigy or whatever people think i am. i always told people i wasn't amazing. now i'm just desperate to prove it while simultaneously trying to prove i am amazing, in spite of not being amazing.

what is my life

i don't understand anymore.

i should really take a nap. i'm losing my mind.

honestly.