he who hesitates is lost. (or, she who hesitates, masturbates.)

crush # 4.

also known as lurch. he's awesome. (i figured it out; he's 26~27.) i don't want to repeat the entirety of this story, as i've told a bunch of strangers and a few of my friends about it already, but basically my friend asked him for his number (for me, because in true missinsanity fashion, i ran away from him), and he did this. in her words.

he looked really bummed and then he was like, what really? ugh this sucks, because if she had told me a year ago, i would've been all over her, but i have a girlfriend now. so yeah.

my instant reaction was yelling "SON OF A BITCH" at the top of my lungs. i'm sure he heard it, as he headed home on the highway. and i'm sure he knew it was me. (maybe not, actually.) and i hid under a table because that's just what i do when i don't want people to see my face. but yeah. i wish he had just said no and not added the whole, i would if not for my girlfriend line. because now i'll be torn between wishing she was dead and feeling bad about wishing she was dead. (interestingly enough, i'm not torn at all about liking him. he's deliciously lickable likable.) i used the word plethora before that had happened and his eyes lit up. he understood my bad jokes about chemistry and the brain. we both wear glasses. (this is starting to feel like that episode of how i met your mother with the matchmaking service. but it won't end like that. he's not marrying this ho. no offense to her.)

whatever.

whoever this bitch is, she'd better be fucking awesome because, to quote the great watts  from some kind of wonderful, if she breaks his heart, i'll break her face. seriously. i've got 20 ounces of pure caffeine running through my veins, not to mention my brain is on the upswing. so my self-esteem is through the roof and i'm not accepting anything less than perfection for this guy. (which, you know, i'm not. but hell, i'm probably miles closer than her.) comparing myself to a possibly non-existent version of a girl i don't know and have only heard about. way to go, kid.

anyway, i don't have his number, because like i said, he said no because he has a girlfriend. which i respect. what i don't respect is that i have to sit here thinking about this while i try to write a literature review. thanks for fucking my head up.

if i see him today, i swear, i will...

not do anything.

duh. let's be real. it's me we're talking about.

but i do hope i see him again, so i can say goodbye in a better way than i did yesterday.

honestly.