50/50

i don't know where to begin.

i started performing, carrying my guitar around on my back and flirting with anyone who liked my music. drank less. drank more. stopped drinking. started again. got arrested, stopped drinking again. broke up with the boy for being dishonest. (i value honesty, you know that.) blew through lives like a whirlwind, carelessly batting my eyelashes and giggling as boys fell for me. then slipped into the night and vanished. eventually, empty handed, i realized i had spent too many nights. emotionally bankrupt, i just focused on school for a few weeks. i graduated, finally. angrily. bitterly. cursing myself, as perfectionists do, regardless of their achievements.

this seems so negative when i write it like that.

let's start again.

i started performing, carrying my guitar around on my back and collecting fans like spare change. became a connoisseur of bloody mary's. realized i wasn't cut out for that job and took a break. in a moment of clarity, valued myself enough to return to being single. spent time with different people, got to know them on a deep level. (i don't know how many people inquire about childhoods and personal details with their one nighters, but i do.) realized i wasn't cut out for all of that socializing and took a break. although i did meet one boy who (his words) clicked with me immediately, decided to invest my energy in the last month of college. graduated, finally.

feels like there are holes in it when i try to paint it as a happy few months.

halfway through the year. it hasn't been terrible. in fact, it's been pretty great. (aside from the arrest.)

well, you know how it is, here's hoping things get better.

never a dull moment in this life, i'm afraid. at least lately i've been taking it easy. introspecting. and getting ready to start therapy. (keyword: start. will i finish? who knows?)

it's funny how you can say something and yet really not say much at all, isn't it?

i think it is.

honestly.