those drugs you've got won't make you feel better.

so first of all, i had two research papers due in the last.... seven days and out of the two, i did none. (nice.) then that damn kid... i gave him back his hoodie and i didn't get my wallet until today. AND HE TRIED TO HOLD MY HAND. dude, hello, i rejected you. i'm sorry your life is slightly pathetic. not that having a blind best friend makes you pathetic, it just makes you... a little pitiable. (THAT'S RIGHT. I HAVE NO HEART.) seriously, he just looks at me all the time with these sad puppy eyes. like i kicked him in the face or something. (maybe i should have...at least he'd go away.)

this guy i was smoking with today mentioned  that nothing's changed in his life but it feels like it's all gone to shit. i totally understood that. like, what changed for me? i woke up ten minutes early? i wore two different socks? nothing changed. but everything feels like shit. he's good company. i might smoke with him again soon. plus, he's like one of the few people that i know at school that i can sit with, not say anything to and be okay with it. sometimes silence is really soothing. it feels really good to just sit and chat sometimes, and other times you just want to breathe, ya know? and holocene was playing in the background. (i love bon iver, so much.) i was going to say something like "i think he would make a really good friend" but i think the last thing i need right now is to start attaching myself to more people. i need to get away from people, if anything.

the more i'm around other people, the more i feel like i completely suck at everything i try to do. (i still feel like the turtle in a school of fish and i want to withdraw into my shell. maybe a boy with a tiger in his boat will swim along, kill me and make my life meaningful.)

on top of all that, i have like, no motivation to do anything.

i don't feel like walking my dog.

or changing my cat's litterbox.

or washing my hair.

or showering, for that matter.

eating? not really. although i did have a bowl of cereal with my sister. that was more of a social event, though. just like commuting with her this morning, pretending to be normal in front of other people.

i especially don't feel like going to school tomorrow and taking two midterms. consecutively.

i don't feel like calling the psychiatrist to make an appointment for next week.

i don't feel like going to sleep either, although that'll probably happen whether i want to or not.

mainly, i don't feel like being around. whatever that means.

forgive me for saying this, but for about five minutes yesterday i contemplated swallowing a handful of pills just to get away from everything. like, the ultimate cure for the ultimate headache. not to die or anything, just to like, not be where i am right now.

i don't feel like seeing that guy that likes me. but i'm not going to get a restraining order because he likes me.

i don't feel like doing the "eighty-ten-ten" or whatever banana was telling me about today.

i don't feel like wearing a jacket because i don't feel like being healthy.

i don't feel like talking to people. except my best friend, but he's not just a person, he's himself.

i especially don't feel like getting a ride from this fucking girl who said something about how i weigh more than her. YEAH BITCH, I FUCKING KNOW THAT. I CAN SEE THAT. GO FUCK YOURSELF.

i don't feel like doing research papers that i'm SUPPOSED to do anyway.

i suddenly have an urge to sit outside until the sun rises, too. because i don't feel like being indoors.

i guess what i do feel like doing is writing a bunch of shit i don't feel like doing. and i feel like smoking. and being angry. and buying laxatives. if it's possible to be addicted to those, then i am. because even without taking them, just having 'em nearby makes me feel exponentially happier.

they're having another stupid party at my school this week. i am not going. the last thing i need is another awkward situation. i wish i could just stay under my blanket for the rest of the week and not do anything.

i need coffee and cigarettes and good music. and medication. (lots of it.)

honestly.