madness carves its own reality.

my mind is all over the place again, so bear with me.

i'm really pissed off because i gained three pounds instead of losing three pounds. but i'm slightly happy because i think i've gone down a size in jeans. it's not good enough, though. yesterday i was at rite aid with jitterbug and we passed by a magazine with these stars on the cover and their ribs were showing and their hipbones were sticking out. and she said, "ew," and that's when i kind of realized that my reaction to that wasn't normal. whatever the hell normal is. i wouldn't know. my energy level has been pretty high lately but fortunately, people who are unfortunate enough to be around me all day have learned to tolerate it. more or less.

you know what's really fucked up? my friend told me she's afraid she might be pregnant and the first thing i thought was, "you're probably gonna gain quite a bit of weight there." obviously, i had enough decency to not say that. but seriously, what the hell is wrong with me?

i broke the mirror in my bedroom because i hate seeing my reflection if it's more than just my head. technically, though, it's the mirror in my sister's room and she'll probably threaten to stab me in the throat when she sees it. and i've been smoking a lot. i bought a pack of cigarettes and left them at odette's house. she probably smoked 'em all by now. hopefully? hopefully not? i don't know.

i was really happy the other day because i saw a duck shaped pez dispenser-- and i love pez and i love ducks, so it was pretty perfect, you know? so i bought it, and then i saw a pack of ninety laxatives. actually, i think these were two different days. yeah. the laxatives were last week. (i'm fairly certain they're addictive.) then i was really pissed because i don't want laxatives. so the other day (which wasn't any of the other days previously mentioned and was possibly just two days ago), i bought diet pills. and they were supposed to be here by today (the earliest) and the latest they'll get here is friday. but they haven't even shipped yet. bastards.

i've been super irritated too. i had a huge argument with my mom (not too long before i broke my mirror) and i'm pretty sure i told my sister to go fuck herself yesterday after she poked me in the ribs really hard. and every time my best friend mentions his girlfriend, i have an urge to throw my phone out of a window. but i kind of like my phone.

i keep having these weird lucid nightmares that are making it a little hard to sleep. the worst one was basically where i had to take all these splinters out of my leg, but they were pencils and screws and pens and metal bars. and i could feel everything and smell the blood and it was horrible. and i hope they go away, because i have a recital in a few weeks and i need rest (as much as an insomniac could possibly get) so my voice doesn't go away.

the other day, it was really lovely when one of my teachers said he thought i weighed like, one hundred pounds. and that no matter how much higher above that number i went, he'd still weigh at least two times whatever i did. that made me feel better. for about ten minutes. then peter kept distracting me during the lesson. YES, I HAVE AN IMAGINARY FRIEND. in fact, i have a couple. and he's my favorite. except for when he's rambling about stupid stuff while i'm trying to concentrate. which sucks. and i know he's imaginary because no one else sees him. aside from the moments when he's talking about retarded things, he's good company.

last night. i saw the most beautiful thing ever. i was standing by a staircase and these two girls were climbing up the stairs and being really snobby and obnoxious while i was talking to my two buddies. then one of 'em tripped because i guess she missed the stair or something and-- i didn't mean to, honest-- then i started laughing so hard. i couldn't hold it in. it was like... "pffffffffffft, BAHAHAHAHAHAHA" (if you can imagine that) for about three minutes. and when they came back downstairs, i had to run away for a bit because i kept laughing.

and i'm totallly gonna watch team america: world police today. or girl, interrupted. which are in no way similar, but are both really good movies.i think those are all the thoughts i can actually make sense of right now. so i'm going to go clean. and do homework, since the semester's almost done. and ad lib from there.

sometimes, i almost wish i was normal. almost.

honestly.