smokes and diet cokes.

i was talking to this girl the other day. one of my teachers said she could pass for the lost sister of the olsen twins. (it's scary but true. the resemblance is uncanny.) anyway, she said wouldn't it be great if eating more made you skinny and not eating made you fat. at the time, i hadn't eaten and i thought it was a great idea. but then i realized, eating or not, that's still a lot of work.

i want need to liquid fast. making excuses to not eat is a lot better than making excuses to eat. and i miss the high i got from not eating. or waking up to find a bone sticking out somewhere. it's really twisted, but while i was talking to odette (the lovely swan-like creature), she mentioned that during the wilder phase of her life, she was doing coke and was around ninety three pounds. "and i'm one hundred and seventeen pounds right now, so you can imagine what i looked like," she had said. she is really skinny, honestly. like, abbey lee kershaw kind of skinny. but i wasn't thinking "wow, that's terrible," or "hmm, maybe i should take her advice," i was thinking, "cocaine, eh? haven't tried that yet." not gonna happen though, don't worry. i'm sticking to cigarettes for now. 

jitterbug and i are going to the park tomorrow to hang out and stuff. should be fun. i was starting to looking forward to it, even though weekends are usually my isolation days. then she said we could grab lunch or something. (i'm thinking or something. like a smoothie, hopefully.) so now, instead of going to sleep so my already fucked up metabolism doesn't go to shit anymore than it already has, i'm staying awake to find somewhere near this park that i'd be okay with going to for lunch. being social is more trouble than it's worth, it seems. odette was right. it's better to be antisocial at times.

if all goes well, i'll get away with not eating tomorrow. i guess i'll just take carry laxatives in my pocket. just in case.but hopefully i won't need them, you know?

honestly.