i'm not lazy; i just like conserving energy.

the temperature's dropped and i'm sick. or, to make it sound more fun, i'm cold and i have a cold. it's not so bad, i suppose. i watched amelie with my dog. not sure if it was on the list i made, but something reminded me of it, so i watched it today while i sneezed and blew my nose in bed. it was quite a lovely picture.

today i got a real shock when my sister tried to reach into the cupboard for a paper plate. she couldn't reach it, so i went over and reached up and got it. i said we were the same height, so it was weird that she couldn't reach it. she said i was obviously bigger than her. (of course, i heard that in two ways, but i knew what she meant.) that pissed me off because: a) i like knowing my exact measurements and, b) i made her dinner last night but she had eaten too much before she got home, so she put it in the freezer, only to end up buying herself an entire pizza pie. so we stood in front of each other and fully expecting to find myself looking straight at her, i realized i was looking... down. she just went to her doctor the other day and he said she's 5'3'' so there's no way i'm 5'3'' and i must be at least 5'5''.

i can't be getting bigger; i thought girls stopped growing after a certain age. "average," she said. "average girls." so, obviously obsessed with-- shit, everything lately-- i ran upstairs and measured myself against the wall. i measured with centimeters. i measured with inches. and, unless my measurements are incorrect-- or my sister lied about her doctor and i'm imagining things-- i'm like, a whole inch and a half taller than i was last year.

this sucks.

on the bright side, my bmi is so much lower, which is always nice to know. unfortunately, that also means being eighty five pounds would have been more like, ninety. i didn't want to get bigger. i want to get smaller. i LIKED being 5'3''. or thinking i was, anyway. damn body never does what you want it to. anyway, height doesn't matter, i'm still aiming for eighty five. i know, most people want to get taller. well, i'm not like most people. in countless ways.


for example, i have this thing about cleaning, where i can't just clean one thing and then walk away. (it sounds like an excuse for leaving things dirty, but it isn't.) so when i woke up yesterday and washed the dishes, i also ended up cleaning the kitchen, mopping the floor and re-organizing the cupboards. again. anyway, my mother gets home around tomorrow afternoon. i was going to make dinner for her, because it would calm her down so she wouldn't completely flip out. despite the fact that her kitchen will be spotless. (the fridge won't be here until tuesday. they keep pushing it back.) unfortunately, i felt like if i made her dinner, i'd have to eat some too. i had this entire, low-calorie (for her) meal planned out, and then i realized my sister wasn't going to be home, and (without her there to make it a 'family meal') just because mother's eating it doesn't mean i have to. i should totally share this with you.

so. zatarran's dirty rice mix. 130 calories per serving. boca burger, vegan. 100 calories per burger. (i use a non-stick spray to fry, so no extra calories there.) and then i was thinking of adding in some diced tomatoes with garlic. which would be around... oh, i dunno, 50 calories at most per serving. the boca burger would be minced (since i don't have the actual package of pre-ground vegan meatstuff) and everything would just be tossed together in the most delightful way. it would only be about two hundred and eighty calories per serving. which isn't bad for a family dinner. i wish i could add a nice green salad to that, but without a fridge, we've only had frozen and packaged food. so maybe i'll add a veggie stir-fry instead. i don't know. we'll see.

i could eat with her, that way after the fridge comes she'll probably let me buy groceries for it so i can cook again. (i don't cook serious meals often, but when i do it's practically orgasmic.) that would be good, since i finally finished my list of safe foods. but if i don't eat with her, she'll not only say she doesn't want to eat whatever i make, but she'll probably start complaining about how she left and no one cares to spend time with her and blahblahblahblahblah.

maybe i'll eat with her, so i can buy groceries. and laxatives. i miss having them around. prunes just don't compare.

honestly.