i like sam's butt. (and i despise my mother.)

i heard it would be a good title, and (surprise!) it is.

i don't even need to explain the first half, should be totally obvious why i said it. (and if it isn't, then you suck.)  but i will explain the second part. my mother, unfortunately, has a bad habit of saying "xxxxxxxx is coming over to see you because they haven't seen you in forever, and they didn't tell me when, so be ready for them to come over at any time." they never do, but usually it's someone from the church i used to go to. (if they saw my eight piercings, they'd shit a brick. at the same time. all of them.)

i can't believe they really think i'd go there. they eat lunch together after service. (a congregation, congregating. it used to amuse me.) someone always asks me, though, "do you want something to eat?" psh, no. but then someone else will respond, "how is it you don't eat but you're not even that skinny?" obviously, that's the correct response to someone who doesn't eat often, right? because you're giving me a reason to want to eat again. (sarcasm.) or maybe someone will say, "you should eat something." instead of the other line. but when that happens, they complain-- yes, complain-- to my mother about my unhealthy eating habits. if you see me one day out of seven, you don't know a damn thing about my eating habits. stupid people.

speaking of stupid people, i just don't like most of the people there. the few people i do like always tell me the little kids look up to me-- which, unfortunately, is true, since i'm the only person who uses their brain there, but i'm a terrible influence, so why would you want your children to look up to me?-- and these kids should see me eat healthy food, so they'll eat healthy food too. how about.... no. go be a good parent and spoon-feed 'em their veggies. don't ask me to be a role model. also, i still feel really bad about my little cousin's birthday party. (the one i didn't attend so i wouldn't have to eat cake. or anything, really.) actually, i've been avoiding my little cousin because people keep telling me she looks up to me so much. and she does. it sucks. she's been crying because she misses me. but i can't go see her. i don't want her to look up to me. i'm cool. from a distance. like a house on fire. but get too close, and you're gonna have a bad time. so i avoid her.

speaking of avoiding people so i don't have to eat, that's basically all i've been doing. i just feel like avoiding people in general, though. i had one of those awkward girly moments last night and told my friend i felt gross. (you would too if you had just taken three laxatives because of five crackers.) she said maybe i should juice fast. (again, with responses from other people being totally inappropriate.) i told her i was going to bed, but i didn't tell her it was because she had just told me what my brain was telling me i should do, only with water.

speaking of fasting (look! everything's so connected!), i feel like my brain is shifting into that mode. or maybe my body is finally as disgusted with itself as my brain is. i couldn't even finish a cup of coffee i made this morning. i had to pour it down the drain, because it was virtually untouched three and a half hours later. it's kinda bittersweet, though. it means i'm probably falling back into that state of self-loathing that leads to crawling under my bed, reading semi-depressing books, using bus fare for laxatives, and weighing myself as much as possible and hating myself for even the tiniest changes. actually, back up a little...

speaking of semi-depressing books, i just ordered some today. if i'm going to be home, i'm going to stay in my room and read things at my level of happiness.

random thought: why don't people say "fie on you!" more often? it's a damn good phrase.

actually, just speaking of books, this girl.... let's call her harmony. i caught her reading impulse by ellen hopkins. (i love this woman. and her books. but mostly her, because the books wouldn't exist without her.) and that made me so happy. i love seeing people reading depressing shit. (happy endings? no thank you.) in fact, i love that so much i offered to lend her my entire collection of ellen hopkins's books. (whether she wants to read them or not, i'm going to give them to her. i only offered as a polite way to warn her.)

speaking of girls, i like sam's butt.

and i despise my mother.

now that we've come full circle, (and i can also hold my bladder no longer), away i go.

also, now that we've come full circle, i'm not entirely sure what this post was meant to be about.

honestly.