whether or not it's all in my head, it's real, isn't it?

i barely understand myself, although i can be oddly perceptive about other people. so when water bear's mother read my mind last week, i kind of lost it. it felt like she was inside me. which bothers me, because if you couldn't tell, i don't like things inside me. maybe that's why i'm still a virgin. anywho. i should back up.

last week, i slept over at water bear's house, because we were going to play video games and pretend to be normal college girls. we did no such thing. in fact, the second day i slept over-- which was monday-- i was munching away on skittles. skittles used to be my safe food. and i mean totally safe. i was okay with eating skittles in front of people. probably too okay. because it became my nickname. and not just like, close friends call me skittles as a joke; people who only know me for a few days call me skittles. in fact, i'm fairly certain there are people i know who have only ever seen me eat skittles. that being said, i hadn't had any for two weeks before i slept over at her house, and that day at school, owl girl (if you remember her) saw me eating skittles and knew i hadn't had any for a while. and i had like, three other packs in my bag. so she laughed and said, "so now you're on a binge, huh?"

well... yeah, i guess, is what i realized, hours later, sitting on water bear's kitchen floor, a rainbow of skittles in my hand. i was staring at it, confused, i suppose, and she and her mother came over to see what was wrong. probably because i was holding them for ten minutes, and i couldn't bring myself to put them in my mouth. then her mother basically told me i was an addict and that i needed to stop eating skittles. but all i really heard was that i needed to stop eating skittles, because if i was eating it-- and i mean eating it so much that someone thought i could binge on the goddamn things-- then it was food, wasn't it? and if it was food, in that horrible sense, then i shouldn't be eating it. and i pretty much started crying while her mother was talking to me. and not because i wanted to. i was just a whole fucked up ball of emotions. i was angry that i had eaten them in front of people for so long. i was sad, because well, what the hell was i going to eat now? and more than anything else, i was embarrassed, because i was crying-- runny nose, uncontrollable crying-- because of food. in front of people. it freaked me out. haven't touched the stuff since. (i saw a little girl eating them on the train yesterday, and i looked at her with such disgust, i felt horribly guilty and ran onto the platform.)

i won't even get into how i mentioned that in one of my classes this monday, because we were talking about substance abuse-- yes, i considered it substance abuse, but why the hell would any normal person follow that line of thought? yesterday, i had that class again, and i was drinking from a juice box. of course, we were talking about how to have therapy sessions for people with eating disorders, and for a brief moment, i thought my teacher was diagnosing me. it was just the look on her face when she saw me drinking from a 4 oz. juice box. i love this teacher, because she's honest and open about how she's felt about things that i could never be honest or open about. but i don't want to sit in class, learning how to diagnose-- no, i'm sorry, assess-- which disorders a client may have. especially if we're going to practice with each other.

water bear says that most people are too stupid to realize when they're hurting someone, and that if i want people to be more sensitive to how i feel, i need to speak up for myself. but i don't know how to do that. i'm so used to not wanting to be a burden for other people that i'd rather just be a burden for myself, i suppose. it's just easier, i think. people don't want to know your problems. (which, i suppose, leaves me at a loss for words when it comes to blogs.) but i mean people in a general sense. people whose biggest worries are things like grades, what they'll wear on the weekend, maybe where they'll get a job. not that those aren't things to be worried about, but if human emotions are measured by depth, then the emotions related to those things don't even tip the scale for me. sometimes i feel so much that my heart feels pressured and i can't help but crumble to the ground.

on the bright side, it's thanksgiving. i've got lots of books to devour. i've got a bottle of water to wash it all down. i don't have classes, and so i don't have to leave my room unless i want to. i'm thankful for that.

honestly.