the crazy truth.

happy new year, first of all. technically, it's not late, because it'll be the new year ALL year. until december. and then the year is stale, and we wait for the next one to arrive, clean and fresh. and yay, i'm finally twenty. which is awkward, because i'm not a teenager anymore, but i can't do anything 'adult' for another year. legally. but anyway.

i've been dealing with a lot since the last time i was here. some of it, i've come to terms with. some of it, i have no idea what to do with. like water bear. she's not a bad person, and we haven't had a fight or anything, but i feel very uncomfortable around her right now. so i've been avoiding her, and she can probably tell by now. and i hate school. so much. i haven't missed a homework assignment yet, and i've basically got straight a's so far. but there's just way too much drama for college, and way too many people. i made the mistake of eating an orange before one of my classes, and jitterbug sat down near me and started watching me eat it. and then she said, "it makes me really happy when i see you eat." with a smile. it was truly disturbing. not happening again. ever.

finally got a freaking treadmill. although, now the problem is that i don't want to work out with my mother in the house, because i really hate her. or my sister, because still really triggering and kind of scary now. but i love this treadmill anyway. and it's really fun. (manual treadmills rock. just sayin'.) it's practically addictive. it would be, if i could actually use the damn thing as much as i wanted to.

aside from all that, i'm fairly certain my mental state is 'unstable'. last year, right after my last post, i had a ridiculous anxiety attack (or something) at school. and they shipped me to an emergency room psych ward, where i pretended to be as normal as possible. and they let me out. surprisingly, smart doctors are rare. so outsmarting the common ones is fairly simple. (or it could have been because i was making one of the other patients laugh. when i probably shouldn't have.) but my family treats me really weird now. and people at school. but i'm still the same person i was before. i guess now they're just paying more attention. maybe. who knows.

i think, aside from water bear, most people have moved on to saner friends. it's so hard to keep people around these days. maybe i'm growing increasingly wilder, and they're just getting too old for this shit. that makes sense.

i've been trying to keep to myself more, though, so no one has to feel bad about not wanting to be around me while i'm out of my mind. but all that means is that i'm at home, being harassed by my mother, which makes me even crazier. i honestly think she wants to make me so angry i hit her or something, because she comes up to my room to annoy me more than she used to. which is too much.

aside from all that, i suppose everything's the same as always. i always miss posting here, when i'm screaming into a pillow in my room, but then i can't calm down long enough to actually do anything. at least my brain is quiet (relatively speaking) today. hopefully it stays that way for a few more days.

honestly.