the ants weigh more than the elephants.

normally, i love when life doesn't particularly go as planned. the latest twist in the plot is that i'll be in college for a year more than i planned, which is okay, i suppose. unless i decide i'm tired of the emotional roller-coaster, the surprising (or not surprising?) immaturity, the hordes of inarticulate teachers and the constant fear of having a mental breakdown. then i'll leave. but hopefully i don't. school is the nervous system i need to keep myself from crawling around blindly. the only thing to look forward to each day would be a book i haven't read yet.

speaking of books, i've been spending my spare change on books. i thought that would be a good plan. now i have too many books-- yes, i know, there's technically no such thing, be quiet-- and there's no space in my room for them. i can still see the floor, so i guess that's a lie, though. but it's a good thing i've been buying books. i come very close to feeling too much without something to distract my mind. sometimes it's as if everything is magnified until it's a monster that i can't carry, that i simply have to run alongside until we're both exhausted. sometimes it's as if the only emotion i can carry is sadness, because it doesn't ask anything of me, just for me to sit and converse. currently, it's the former. (lucky me.)

that damn elf. he's getting too comfortable. at night, he runs his fingers over my teddy bears, books and clothes. his silence is far more critical than the only conversation we've had so far. he brought a skeleton once, to sit by the window, and hovered over my bed until moon-set. i wish i had an alarm for my brain. then when these ghosts tried to break in, i'd be forced back into reality and they'd be forced out. i can't ever remember his face when i wake up, although i'm sure i can when i'm asleep. maybe that's because he's just passing through. that's probably why he doesn't have a name. 

only a few people can really tell what mood i'm in, and those are the people i don't spend much time with. or technically, i see them often but only spend time with them occasionally. one of them, who i suppose i'll just call yoshi, seems to be the best at it. he's a strange person-- not like me, and yet very much like me-- and we watch out for each other. when i've been too quiet for too long, he'll ask if i'm alright and snap me back in focus. when his parents (his dad, mainly, from what i can see) get mad at him and push him back into himself, i become more animated to cheer him up. but i can't spend too much time with him. i'm fairly certain three of his friends like me. one is the sad little guy from that one party, another keeps trying to get me to hang out at his house under the pretense of video games, and one is just around. all the time. but yoshi is my favorite, out of that group. i like the way he thinks, his amusing talents, and the way he's just himself and not ashamed of it. i'm glad we don't talk often, i'd probably be bored with him. but so far, he's risen to every insane expectation i've built in my head, so maybe not.

i figured i should mention him now, because i see him a lot these days. (he'll inevitably end up in one of my future posts.) if i end up caring more, maybe i can convince him to fix his schedule so we've got similar breaks. but maybe not. the smart thing to do is to protect my emotions. they appear so small and insignificant, you underestimate them. but they're actually quite dangerous. i think i have philophobia. a deep fear of guys named phil. (i'm joking.) but i am afraid of emotional attachment with anything that can hurt me. because people end up caring about other people, hamster wheels don't always spin, fish sleep belly up, dogs are disposed of in shelters, and cats end up being too independent to truly rely on. but i love all of those things at the same time.

maybe that's why i've been listening to fiona apple so much lately. 

honestly.