here comes the phone ringing the wrong tone.

i hung out with an old friend of mine the other day. he gave me 'the talk'. i followed him as he walked in endless loops. then he stopped suddenly. "look at the sky. what do you see?" birds. "birds, yes. now look at the flowers. what do you see?" a fly? "pretend it's a bee." a bee. "birds are natural. bees are natural." then he turned to face me, wildly. "and so is sex."

i won't go into the rest of it, it got pretty weird. he thinks of me as his daughter, despite the fact that he's only five years older than me. i don't mind; i've gotten used to it in the last eight years. but right near the end of his long winded monologue, he pointed at a morbidly obese woman waddling down the street. "always remember-- you are who you screw. so be careful, or you could end up like that." my eyes got wide, i freaked out a bit. is that true? "yeah, you know, a picture of dorian gray and all..." i stopped talking. he changed the subject entirely. suggested we go bike riding. so we did. for hours.

he said he was hungry, so we went to get lunch at a place i had never seen before. he went, opened the door then paused inside the frame. another morbidly obese woman was inside, literally taking up an entire table, hands grabbing fistfuls of food. shoving it into her mouth. garbage into a disposal. "it's fine," he assured me, as if i was the one frozen in place and not him. "come on." he offered me gazpacho. i declined. "i've never seen you eat," he stated abruptly. i guess that would be odd, since we've been friends for almost a decade now. yes you have. remember that time.... "that doesn't count. but it's alright." i was going to get a salad, but there were too many options. different types of lettuce, and then different toppings-- too much for my indecision to handle. i just got a pre-packaged fruit bowl and water. he looked, didn't say anything, until i arranged the fork, napkin, fruit and water in front of me to eat. "you're so neat. look, you've even got the plastic wrap placed nicely." i rolled my eyes and ate my fruit as he tore into a piece of bread and guzzled his soup. "the soup's good, but the vegetables suck." i changed the topic. more oscar wilde. we finished and then went off exploring other parts of the city.

we were walking down one of those alley-type streets (the ones people tend to stay away from) when i saw a woman in front of us pulling a suitcase behind her. bmi: 17, tops. clearly defined shoulders, thin legs, hipbones sharp enough to slice steak--  i was impressed. he looked away. "ugh." i already knew what he meant. what? i think she's pretty. "that's because your mind is warped by iggy pop and heroin addicts." pfft. iggy's gorgeous, no matter what you say. besides, i thought you were into that. remember miss violin? he just gave me a blank look. "yes. i do. and no. i'm not." miss violin was a girl that i was friends with in high school. he liked her. back then, i wanted so desperately for him to think i was the best person in the world. his confession made me angry. i made a list, me vs the girl. the only difference between us was that she was incredibly, amazingly thin. i thought he was into that. i worked hard to be thinner than her. i would stand beside her and try to compare our bodies. then i started avoiding her. high school had enough problems without that on top. so he didn't like her because she was thin. hm.

later, we went to a small restaurant, since it was dinner time (for him) and he was yet again, hungry. i can't eat any of this. "i know. none of it is vegan." he tried to order for just himself, but they wouldn't let him.so he ordered something for me, as if i was the one who would eat it. bought a beer for me as an apology. it was crowded in there. i'm fairly certain the legal limit had been passed. there was barely standing room, much less sitting room. you could see everyone eating. the table next to us was so close that i had to keep my arms tight against my sides so i wouldn't elbow the woman devouring her meal. chewing, chewing, chewing. everyone was chewing so loudly. i downed half of the bottle in a few seconds. i thought that would make me less tense. not a chance. he noticed my growing irritation, swallowed his food and the one he ordered for me (whole, it seemed), drank half of the remaining half of the beer, and paid so we could leave.

he didn't want me staying out too late. we had been wandering for hours and hours. told me i should hop on the train. i smiled. gave him a hug. said i had tons of fun. i did. it wasn't until i got home that i realized i didn't like much of what came out of his mouth the entire day.

maybe some people are better seen and not heard.

honestly.