after hours.

esmeralda and i brought everyone back to our hotel room around midnight on saturday to hang out and enjoy our last night together. we started off small, playing a tame version of never have i ever. we didn't have any alcohol, or anything to drink really, so we used ice cubes. i had a hard time finding things to say that anyone else in the room might have done that i hadn't. they didn't have a hard time finding things to say that i had done that they hadn't. that was great. it turned into truth or dare, which started with suspiciously pointed questions directed toward esmeralda. so naturally, i had to tell them to quit it. i had to defend her, because she and i had been friends the longest out of everyone else. then one of the guys said, let's just make it dare.

let the games begin.

we started off small, with little dares. i dare you to eat this cup of ice in two minutes, someone said to me. i started gagging at one point, much to the delight of all the males in the room. didn't do it, but we sure had fun. lick the wall, someone else said. i did it, nonchalant as hell, after saying i'd licked nastier things back in the day. a hotel wall was nothing. the lights in the room dimmed progressively from the time we started playing until we got up to some of the less innocent dares. we laughed under our breath, scoped out the room, and did our best to find dares that weren't too wild. poor esmeralda, she had to kiss two of the guys. one was her first ex, and the other was just completely unappealing (and impossible to get rid of). she took it like a champ though. (and rinsed her mouth with scope.)

the only other girl had to make it back to her hotel room, because she didn't want to get in trouble. after all, it was almost three a.m. by the time we started to run out of ideas for dares. one of the guys fell asleep, and soon it was just me and esmeralda, her ex and a new friend of ours, b. while her ex tried to find more games for us to play that would bring them back together, b and i slowly moved closer and closer.  it was cute. (he told me i needed a shirt with a fire flower on it that said "hot stuff". i laughed.) he traced tired circles on my back while i played with his hair.

then i remembered that i had dinner. i got really conscious about every square inch of my body. i started to feel horrible. and my mind started racing. esmeralda was also in the room, obviously. she's tall. thin. always has been, as long as i've known her. that didn't help much. it wasn't her fault, of course, i love her. she's like my little sister. in fact, for the entirety of the past three days, we were inseparable. but i couldn't help feeling like i was expanding, sitting on the hotel floor in the dark. i remembered her saying, earlier, while i was looking at a picture of this lady (who informally adopted me as her daughter) and i. we look more related than my actual mother and i, and we get along better. i had commented, fondly, she's so tiny. i love her. esmeralda gave me a strange look and said, you're tiny too, though. you two are the same size. could've fooled me.

nothing happened. not even a kiss. although i did think about it and he did try his best. so we talked, as esmeralda struggled to keep her ex away. even in his sleep, he was still drawn to her. i drew my finger across his collarbone. i named his muscles and bones. we faded in and out of consciousness. finally, the sun started to rise. he said he had to get back to his room, before his roommate woke up. we hugged. he left. esmeralda and i woke her ex up and sent him back to his room, and helped the other guy onto the couch, since he was too deep in sleep to do anything. then i fell took a two hour nap.

when i woke up, we had to get ready to leave. we took long showers, until water collected and dripped from the bathroom ceiling. sometime after we had both gotten dressed, while she was fixing her hair, we heard a knock at the door. she opened it, invited b to come in. conversation was harder, with esmeralda giving us sidelong glances and knowing smiles. he explained that his group was heading out earlier than expected, and asked me if he could have my number. i smiled as i gave it to him. then he left.

then we left.

saturday evening, i started writing a rage fueled post while everyone was out getting ice cream and/or tacos. (don't ask.) i felt like the whole thing was a stupid waste of time, and i was wishing i could go home. but considering the things that happened to make me feel that way, it could have been worse. and considering the good parts sprinkled in between the bad parts, i'm glad i didn't miss it. so i guess it wasn't too bad.

honestly.