nature boy.

foolish, foolish, foolish girl that i am. despite all my best efforts, my emotions always get the better of me. i've tried, tried, and tried some more. done everything i possibly could, yet this boy worms his way into my heart. carelessly. innocently. and so naturally, as if there were no other option for the two of us but to like each other. he doesn't make me feel out of control, like some others did, or freeze when i'm talking to him unexpectedly. from the first day, we were comfortable with each other.

maybe too comfortable. (who's to say for sure?)

at first, we were just getting to know each other better. then all of a sudden, it was him, meeting my friends and immediately impressing them with his charm. it was me, meeting his mother quite by accident and somehow impressing her with my friendliness. it was the two of us, spending time together. usually, as a result of him. (wanting to watch a movie. play uno. go to an open mic together.) occasionally, as an odd favor to me. (borrowed a guitar capo. needed a bike pump, tonight. once, just for a bear hug and an iced coffee.) sometimes just as a result of us wanting to see each other. (him: reading a scary story, playing a song on the guitar, telling me about his family. me: explaining how i feel music, reverently whispering about jeff buckley, delicately running my fingers through his hair and beard.) he offers to do things for me. drive me places, pick things up, drop things off. and me? i'm not even trying. i'm not even sure what i'm doing around him most of the time. i don't think i've done anything for him. he says my presence is more than enough. (who could believe such a thing?)

i remember the way he looked at me steadily, seriously, confidently as he said, i totally like you, just a week into our friendship. the way i nervously, hesitantly, bashfully mumbled back that i liked him too. we marveled over how open we felt with each other, how genuine, how relaxed. we've seen each other every week since we met. we've spoken almost every day since then. we talk about real things. we agree on important things. we share an odd, off kilter sense of humor. we treat each other with respect.

paradox that i am, i'm both enamored and terrified. his girlfriend broke up with him the day we met. (maybe these details are too detailed... oh well.) at first, as i voiced my apprehensions, he'd tell me, the universe is always at work. then over time, as reality sunk in (reality being that he was very recently single), he began to take time to puzzle things through and really get in touch with his feelings. and me? i took the part of myself that was getting lost in the moment and locked her away. or at least i thought i did.

perhaps the worst part of this is that no matter how hard we both try to keep this friendship casual (and, as per his tortured request, rated PG), there's something there. i don't remember this happening before. clicking with someone, agreeing with someone, feeling so comfortable with someone so quickly. let me clarify-- without alcohol. i've become a creature haunted by fears. a fear of not getting a job soon enough. a fear of the outcome of my court date in a month or so. a fear that his mother will invite me to their fourth of july barbecue. a fear that i'll live in this house longer than my mind can handle. a fear that i'll hurt or be hurt by this strange, strange boy.

he might be the only person in existence who's able to ask me to do things i'd normally not be comfortable with and have me say yes, albeit reluctantly. out at a diner once, before watching a movie together, he invited me to try an appetizer. i did. (i don't remember the last time i tried a new dish before that.) the other night, showing me a fishing rod he had bought, he asked me if i'd like to go fishing with him sometime. i said yes. i have absolutely no interest in fishing. or i suppose, i didn't before this. to his credit, he seems to be sincerely pleased with me, though i can't begin to understand why. and me?

i just hope my mind figures this out before my heart gets any more tangled up in blue.

honestly.

organized / chaos

i have to be really organized at times like this, when i'm super distract-able and find it hard to focus on one thing for two long. i tried typing five posts over the past few weeks, and none of them were ever finished. just drafts. if i finish this one, thank fuck because i won't ever really be sure how i did it.

the more chaotic my mind becomes, the easier it is to seem like i'm holding everything together, it seems. as long as i stay organized.

so i really can't understand why i decided to clean my room. and i don't mean shiatsu massage styled cleaning which is nice but isn't anything too intense, i mean a deep tissue massage kind of cleaning that gets into cracks and crevices i long forgot existed. i put my books back on the shelf; they were on the floor by my bed before, within reach. when i had time to read, this was perfect but now that i stumble into my house half asleep, tripping over my old friends feels more sacrilegious than anything else.  now they sit across from my bed, spines facing me. they're very lovely, all lined up like this. sadly, i barely put twenty percent of the books on my floor on the shelf. the rest are still on the floor.

then there's the books i decided to put in my closet. books i don't and probably won't read. books that if i really needed to read, i'd go get them. books that are taking up more space than i have. they're stacked up neatly though, alongside the boxes piled high full of my clothes. one box has clean shirts under sweaters under pants under wear-- under underwear, that is-- under a pillow that i switched with another pillow because it wasn't fluffy enough and turned my cloud nine dream-lands into dusty martian landscapes. (not that anything's wrong with mars, but i'm more in need of a few unicorns, fairies, and elves at the moment.) my guitar is leaning nearby, on the chair covered in papers that have no place in this room. and that's only a small portion of my floor.

my bed is clean, at least. warm, fuzzy, and cozy. just the way i like it. i know i have to clean before tuesday, because that's when i kidnap my boyfriend. tuesday or thursday mornings. then i bring him over and we sleep beside each other, wake up reasonably  happy in comparison to mondays, and then play video games until he has to go to work. but i can't have him coming over with my room like this. so... oh well. he'll live.

it's funny, to him. really. he finds my need for organization amusing. baby, no offense,  but i don't get people like you. i just stay relaxed. if i have to do something, i'll remember, and if i don't-- oh well. i'm not sure if he's just overly complacent, though. his memory is so bad that he really should be more organized. but that doesn't matter.

i think i'm really good at holding things together outside of my room but on the inside, it's all whirlygigs, whizzpoppers, bells and whistles. i'm not worried that anyone will figure that out, though, or see what's really going on.

i always keep my door locked.

honestly.

i'm exploding in smiles/ my equilibrium's spinning

puck makes everything better.

saturday, i didn't quite feel up to leaving the house, even if it was for him. so he said, i have a two hour break tuesday and thursday. let's see each other then. tuesday came and he had a paper to type. thursday, thursday. i'll be free on thursday. you say that like i don't have things to do on thursday, sir. if you don't have time then, we can pick another day. so i danced on pins and needles at internship on wednesday, a confused mixture of anxiety and despair. thursday came. the time clicked by, painfully slow. three o'clock came and left. where are you? i thought you had things to do. why? does "you say that like i don't have things to do on thursday" ring any bells? stop splitting hairs and come here.

and then there he was.

i was having a conversation with an old friend (about subway's gag-inducing stench) while i waited for him. when i looked up, there he was. my friend gauged the situation and politely made his exit. can i get my hug now? come get it. no, you come here. he smiled, rolled his eyes, gave me a hug. the first thing i noticed that i guess i really couldn't help is that he's leaner. he's gotten smaller. not too much but just enough to kind of boost his attractiveness a lot. i remember asking myself a few months ago, can this guy get any hotter? apparently the answer was yes. i died a little on the inside. before, when he was the hottest guy i knew, he was beyond reach. even in my wildest dreams, there was no way i could see... well, us. and now he's still the hottest guy i know but he's inexplicably become hotter.

this grad student decided at that moment, to eat her lunch under the staircase where we were sitting. every once in a while, she would shift her legs. bare, long, leggy. flip her hair. whatever. the point is she was really pretty. i lost my voice. we sat in awkward silence for a while. (sorry, ashley. i tried.) he tried to amuse me by telling me stories about his day. and then i had to go to class. i had a huge internal struggle. resisted the urge to sing should i stay or should i go. i joked, drily, can i have another hug? since i probably won't see you for another six months. why would you say that? he asked, before giving me a hug. the weird thing is that all of this made me feel horrible about myself. until later, when i asked, nervously, six months is... when? i would imagine tuesday or thursday is about six months. 

my tail wagged.

the thing about puck is that he seems to realize that i'm quite unstable. or maybe just that i have no self-esteem. but he's still pretty considerate about it. and still doesn't mind hanging out with me. i wish i wasn't such a chicken, though. 

either way, he put me in such a good mood that i went out on friday and got amazingly drunk with a guy who likes me whose friend also likes me. (because this is how i deal with good and bad moments in life. i intentionally make mistakes. do things i probably shouldn't because they're fun.) he left for a while and i was alone with a giant bottle of gin. i drank myself silly. called people to let them know how much i loved them. all was right with the world. the guy returned to find me, completely wasted and singing along to a mos def cd. he tried to get some, so to speak. i protested, babbled about how much i loved puck, and told him only puck would be able to do anything of the sort with me. eventually, i realized this guy was not concerned with my love life or the fact that i was not into doing anything with him. called another friend, who also likes me, and left. where i again began babbling about puck until i passed out. saturday, went to church, where i spent the entire day playing the piano and dreaming about puck. which brings us to today, where i am doing my homework so that when tuesday comes, i enough have free time for him.

life is better just knowing he's in existence, i suppose. it's not like he really did anything besides hug me. (although, to be honest, holding him is kind of a big deal.) he's like summer vacation, christmastime, and valentine's day all wrapped up in the fluffiest snow. i tell strangers about him. i tell people about him while i'm making out with them. i find excuses to bring him up in conversation. he's a six ounce bag of skittles with a bottle of vodka. all of that being said, i realize that if i do what i did six months ago (which was essentially nothing), then i'll stay here forever. 

i need to do something. i'll figure it out. i've got no choice, really. but at this moment in time, i don't mind where i am.

honestly.

after hours.

esmeralda and i brought everyone back to our hotel room around midnight on saturday to hang out and enjoy our last night together. we started off small, playing a tame version of never have i ever. we didn't have any alcohol, or anything to drink really, so we used ice cubes. i had a hard time finding things to say that anyone else in the room might have done that i hadn't. they didn't have a hard time finding things to say that i had done that they hadn't. that was great. it turned into truth or dare, which started with suspiciously pointed questions directed toward esmeralda. so naturally, i had to tell them to quit it. i had to defend her, because she and i had been friends the longest out of everyone else. then one of the guys said, let's just make it dare.

let the games begin.

we started off small, with little dares. i dare you to eat this cup of ice in two minutes, someone said to me. i started gagging at one point, much to the delight of all the males in the room. didn't do it, but we sure had fun. lick the wall, someone else said. i did it, nonchalant as hell, after saying i'd licked nastier things back in the day. a hotel wall was nothing. the lights in the room dimmed progressively from the time we started playing until we got up to some of the less innocent dares. we laughed under our breath, scoped out the room, and did our best to find dares that weren't too wild. poor esmeralda, she had to kiss two of the guys. one was her first ex, and the other was just completely unappealing (and impossible to get rid of). she took it like a champ though. (and rinsed her mouth with scope.)

the only other girl had to make it back to her hotel room, because she didn't want to get in trouble. after all, it was almost three a.m. by the time we started to run out of ideas for dares. one of the guys fell asleep, and soon it was just me and esmeralda, her ex and a new friend of ours, b. while her ex tried to find more games for us to play that would bring them back together, b and i slowly moved closer and closer.  it was cute. (he told me i needed a shirt with a fire flower on it that said "hot stuff". i laughed.) he traced tired circles on my back while i played with his hair.

then i remembered that i had dinner. i got really conscious about every square inch of my body. i started to feel horrible. and my mind started racing. esmeralda was also in the room, obviously. she's tall. thin. always has been, as long as i've known her. that didn't help much. it wasn't her fault, of course, i love her. she's like my little sister. in fact, for the entirety of the past three days, we were inseparable. but i couldn't help feeling like i was expanding, sitting on the hotel floor in the dark. i remembered her saying, earlier, while i was looking at a picture of this lady (who informally adopted me as her daughter) and i. we look more related than my actual mother and i, and we get along better. i had commented, fondly, she's so tiny. i love her. esmeralda gave me a strange look and said, you're tiny too, though. you two are the same size. could've fooled me.

nothing happened. not even a kiss. although i did think about it and he did try his best. so we talked, as esmeralda struggled to keep her ex away. even in his sleep, he was still drawn to her. i drew my finger across his collarbone. i named his muscles and bones. we faded in and out of consciousness. finally, the sun started to rise. he said he had to get back to his room, before his roommate woke up. we hugged. he left. esmeralda and i woke her ex up and sent him back to his room, and helped the other guy onto the couch, since he was too deep in sleep to do anything. then i fell took a two hour nap.

when i woke up, we had to get ready to leave. we took long showers, until water collected and dripped from the bathroom ceiling. sometime after we had both gotten dressed, while she was fixing her hair, we heard a knock at the door. she opened it, invited b to come in. conversation was harder, with esmeralda giving us sidelong glances and knowing smiles. he explained that his group was heading out earlier than expected, and asked me if he could have my number. i smiled as i gave it to him. then he left.

then we left.

saturday evening, i started writing a rage fueled post while everyone was out getting ice cream and/or tacos. (don't ask.) i felt like the whole thing was a stupid waste of time, and i was wishing i could go home. but considering the things that happened to make me feel that way, it could have been worse. and considering the good parts sprinkled in between the bad parts, i'm glad i didn't miss it. so i guess it wasn't too bad.

honestly.

climbing climbing climbing never falling.

my friend is getting married. and i'm freaking out.

she's checking out these really cute indian dresses (emphasis on cute) for the bridesmaids, and i'm her maid of honor. so i think the order of importance for people in the wedding ceremony is as follows: bride, groom, parents, bridesmaids, grooms...boys. or whatever. with maid of honor in between parents and bridesmaids, and best man in between bridesmaids and grooms....monkeys. i get the feeling i'll look lumpy in anything she tries to pick. yes, lumpy. who wants a lumpy maid of honor? i'll tell you. no one. these memories are forever.

plus, pictures are permanent. it's one of few times i have no excuse for avoiding pictures. and i hate pictures.

the bad news is that currently, to the extent of my knowledge, i'd be the only bridesmaid without a date. the good news is that currently, to the extent of my knowledge, there's no [ +1] situation happening. which is great. really, i'm touched. no dates for anyone. yay.

on a less self-centered note, she's going to make a really pretty bide.and if any of the dresses she just showed me looked half as amazing on those hideous models, then it'll look absolutely breathtaking on her. (just kidding though, i've never seen an ugly indian model.) her husband to be is decently attractive as well. he looks like a less handsome version of aladdin, although still respectable in a non-animated way. and if the pictures of their immediate families say anything about the gene pool these kids are swimming in, their distant relatives are going to be gorgeous.

can you say duck duck goose? except in this case, i guess the bridesmaids' game would be swan swan ugly duckling. except at the end of the story, the ugly duckling really turns out to be a goose.

good news. i have five months to stop looking like the imprint of a converse sneaker in a pile of elephant scat. and bad news... school starts in two days. and i have this stupid conference this weekend, where i'll be staying in this hotel room with girls i only get along with because we never see each other. why didn't they just decide to lock starving wolves in a room together? it would end better.

wait, i need to stay positive. in two days, i get to see crush # 4 again. maybe. and i've been watching hey arnold, so i'm fully ready to display my undying affection in a completely emotionally unstable way. also, i've got a conference this weekend, which means i get a holiday from my mother and cat. although, to be honest, i'll kind of miss the cat.

i feel kind of bad that as much as i'm excited for her, i'm twice as terrified that i'll be wearing the same dress as other people. that's just terrible. and i'm also horrified about the fact that these pictures will be on facebook. i haven't been on that site in... i guess a year now. and i know i'll be tormented by the possibility of pictures up for public display. i'm being haunted by them now, and they don't even exist yet. the wedding's going to be beautiful. as for me? that's a big question mark. (it doesn't help that my sister just came home after a week of not being here, wearing tighter pants and looking skinnier than ever.)

this is bad. and i've been sitting in this body for months now. and it's not good enough. something must be done. i need a plan.

or, in case of an emergency, a ticket out of the country.

honestly.

fill my stomach with butterflies. have me floating on air.

crushes are cute. the concept of having a crush. the feeling of liking someone. the stupid things you do that make that person smile, that maybe aren't as stupid as you thought. the moments when your eyes connect with theirs and your heart jumps in your chest. the way that bubbly feeling can overflow into every other moment of your day. it's a precious experience.

and then there's the dark side of crushes.

the feeling of liking someone you know won't ever like you. the stupid things you do that make that person smile, but in a way that tells you that it was much dumber than you thought. the moments when your eyes lock onto theirs and your heart collapses because they weren't looking back. the way that hopeless feeling can overflow into every other moment of your day. it's a terrible experience.

i've had more crushes than anyone i've ever known. they're typically people i see around school, since i'm (unfortunately) spending most of my time there. and with this semester ending in a little while, i thought it'd be nice to do a bit of gardening. see, my crushes are a mixture of weeds and flowers. the weeds are the people who are only appealing in a really minor and unimportant way. like, they might know a lot about a topic. or they have an interesting hairstyle. or their syntax is completely unique and fascinating. but they're missing too much of the other stuff for me to really like them in that head over heels way. in the movie kissing jessica stein, jess says this perfectly.

i think that's been my big thing. not smart or not funny, or not smart and not funny. or smart, but funny in a totally unappealing way. you know? just like funny/ stupid, or funny/ dopey, but not funny/ witty or funny/ ironic or funny/ goofy, you know? or they seem smart, and then you realize that they aren't at all. and that's funny, but funny/ tragic.

i can relate to that. the flowers are the people who either have all of the things the weeds are missing (plus the things the weeds have) or they're intriguing. mysterious. maybe moths and dragonflies would is a better way to put this. either way, i've narrowed down the list to a few interesting people. no nicknames for these yet. just to make my life easier. (it's hard to come up with nicknames that fit. especially if one of the people is named nick. which i'm not saying is the case here. but i'm not saying it isn't. meh.) the order isn't important. meaning number one on this list may not be number one on my list.

# 1: this one is fun. he's taller than me and recently, whenever he sees me, knows i'll want a hug. so he gives me hugs. it's nice. he's also got a strange way of standing. and i always get the feeling, when he looks at me, that he's really engaged in the conversation. which is nice. he's definitely the mysterious one. i found out that he has six people in his family the other day. why does this matter? it really doesn't. but i think once conversations in school move from school topics to more personal topics, it's definitely a good thing. as opposed to, how are finals? "good. you?" decent. can't wait for classes to end. "yup. same here." ..... "....." well... "see ya." that would suck.

one day, i ran into him while i was trying to decide whether or not i should go to class. i told him, i'm trying to decide whether or not i should go to class. he said then i shouldn't go to class. (if only it was that simple.) and i said, where are you going? home, he replied. to play video games. i said he was lucky, and i was jealous. i'd rather play video games than go to class. and he said, then come to my house and play video games with me. of course i went to class after that. but now i can say things to him like when am i coming over? or you promised me video games. and other things. he's the youngest. (he is a freshman; i am a junior.) he's got a cheshire cat smile. the feeling i get from it lingers long after he's gone.

# 2: this one's weird, because he liked me first, and i rejected him. he was kind of weird. the bad kind of weird. and something happened overnight, or possibly over the summer, and he's different. i don't know how exactly. he looks the same. he has started dressing differently. but i don't think that's it. (i'm figuring this out. right now.) he's always had this habit of standing around, not saying anything, and watching me. it was weird before. now when he does it, it's... different.

damn. i'm usually better with words than this.

actually, i think i know what it is. he used to have this look on his face whenever i saw him, the look a cat gives you while you're scratching its back or after you've fed it. but i never did any of those things for him. now he just looks bored. not the bad kind of bored, which usually stems from disinterest, but the other kind of bored. the bored you get when you know something (or in this case, someone) so well that no matter what happens, you've got it all figured out. and he probably does. or maybe i've just gotten used to him looking out for me. like when he tells people i'm vegan before they offer me cookies, cake or pizza. or when he sees i'm unhappy at school and buys me candy to cheer me up. it's nice to know someone pays attention to you. but i rejected him for a good reason (i'm sure), and i'm stubborn, so i'll probably keep doing that. even if i do like him now.... anyway, he's the boniest. i'm actually trying really hard to not hug him.

# 3: this guy is super tall and lanky. he reminds me of shaggy from scooby doo, and not just because he's got the hippie vibe doing on. he's a grad student, and i was his first friend at this college. he plays the guitar and sings, and something about his voice is really raw when he sings. it feels like he's letting out more when he sings than when he speaks. i have his number, just never used it. mainly because he (probably) has a girlfriend. how could a guy like this not be taken already? i think he's delightful. i don't see him as much as i did last year, mainly because he's busy being an adult now. i think i just like being his friend, and i'd like things to stay like that. but that doesn't mean i'm not hypnotized by his long strides across campus, or down the stairs, or up the stairs. in fact, i think he'd be a great friend to have around for a long time. not intensely close, but close enough. he's the oldest. (not reallly old, but older.)

i think three is enough. i mean, there's a literal forest of weeds, and for me to go through all of those would be insane. there are a few other flowers, but none of them have bloomed like these have. regardless of whether or not these crushes turn into something bigger than crushes, i'll be listening to of montreal and dancing around happily in my room. it's the possibility of something more that excites me. the actual thought of a relationship scares me into submission. and crushes don't usually make you sad, unless you make the mistake of confessing that you like them and they reject you. or if you tell your friends about them and word spreads around (as it tends to), and they avoid you forever.

if i end up singing eros' entropic tundra or something equally unhappy, then one of the above happened. or i lied, and i did want these crushes to be something more. fortunately, these are just the top three out of i-don't-know-how-many-people-i-actually-like. and that's just from school. can you imagine how long this post would be if i counted all the other people i know?

i could cover a wall in my room with the names of all the crushes i've got right now. or at least half a wall.

honestly.

i don't feel good don't bother me.

i really wish my mother would listen to me sometimes. it's pissing me off, a lot. she's been yelling at me a lot because there's really nothing vegan left in the fridge, and she hasn't seen me eating lately. that doesn't mean i haven't been eating. unfortunately. so just to shut her up-- and because i can't stick to my plans if all the food i'm comfortable eating is unavailable-- i asked her if we could go buy groceries. she said she was busy (watching television) but she'd be ready soon (or, you know, in ninety minutes).

i asked her if we could go to walmart, which isn't a huge thing to most people, but i really fucking hate small supermarkets. but no, why should we go all the way there? no, let's go to the small supermarket down the road. gee, thanks mom. i swear, i feel like everyone's always looking in your cart when you're in those places. at least in a bigger store-- at least the size of your standard walmart-- you can zip around, never lingering long enough for people to look in your cart, or at your face, or at your ungodly figure. (unless that god is buddha. but i digress.) and what's more, it's so fucking intimate. i kept running into this woman who kept glancing at the things i was getting and mumbling, "hmm, maybe i need that too..."

that's not even the worst part. i had a very specific list of things i was going to buy. obviously, i didn't factor in going to a store i was unfamiliar with. so i had to take some things off of the list as soon as i walked in, because i just knew they wouldn't have it. and on top of it, every time i was about to pick up something, my mother would either watch me like a hawk, or say she had that in the fridge already. like apples. pink lady apples. i love those. we don't have those in our house. in fact, we didn't have any fruit in our house. except for some moldy strawberries and soft apples. i hate soft apples, they're so offensive. anyway, she kept following me around and adding things to the cart and making comments on what i was getting. i was really close to losing my grip in public.

and it's not even bad enough that she makes me feel bad for not asking for groceries. she has to make me feel guilty for needing her to buy groceries. what the fuck? when i didn't want groceries, that was a problem. now i'm asking for groceries, and suddenly it's like i deserve the death penalty? my favorite part was when she said, "stop walking like that. you look like you're depressed. it's embarrassing." i wonder, mother, what in the world could i be depressed about? hmm... maybe living with you? for starters?

so that was the last straw. or the straw that broke the camel's back. or some bizzare combination of both of those. i tried. she can't say i didn't. i may not have been eating in front of her, but after my grandmother died, i did try eating a little more normally. just a little. i even went to a burger place and got a veggie burger. with a group of people. (no side of fries, of course.) and i even started showing my face at church-- which was a huge mistake, because literally everyone and their mother can't stop talking about weight. why? who knows anymore?

but you know what? fuck it. fuck her, fuck supermarkets, fuck buying groceries, fuck appearing normal, fuck what other people think, fuck it all.

i don't have time for this.

honestly.

"you look hot in that."

have you ever guzzled two liters of water and then gotten on a scale? bad idea. it screws with your head. OBVIOUSLY. common sense would tell me not to get on a scale after drinking that much. but i seem to be lacking common sense.

damn you, thoreau, for making me far more impulsive than i usually am. (launch myself on every wave, eh? since i can't swim that was obviously terrible advice.)

after the scale incident (and after i got catch-22 in the mail, bones, which i ordered because i lost my copy), i asked my friend/classmate/neighbor if she wanted to walk down to the coffee shop. she agreed to. that's when i realized... i needed to get rid of all this extra water. (spoiler: i didn't, but read on.) so i put on a t-shirt, jeans and a heavy hoodie. in case you weren't aware, it's summer here, in the united states of america. and it's also hot as hell. and i went outside. you know, with the sun and the cloudless sky and all. i started sweating immediately. even before i left the front of my house. did i think, 'hey, maybe i should go back inside and take this damn thing off' ? no. i did not. and so we walked. she was wearing a sleeveless top and jeans and she was drenched in sweat in about ten minutes. so you can imagine how it was inside that hoodie. but could anyone tell? no, because it was THICKER THAN ROSIE O'DONNELL. we didn't even go to the coffee shop in the end. we went to the bank, to another store (where i picked up a job application) and then to her parents' house. where her brother was.

i think i'm losing my mind, because every time i hang out with one of my friends who has a brother my age, i find myself oddly drawn to them, attractive or not. i blame animal magnetism. and mania. since i was squinting-- i broke my glasses, in case you didn't know-- and was literally bathing in my own sweat, that wasn't a good time to even pretend to flirt with anyone. but did i?

YES. I DID.

i filled out the first two lines of that job application while making small talk with my friend's brother. and then he asked me if i realized that i was sweating through my jeans. before that, he gave me a tiny, awkward hug, in an attempt to be nice without getting any of my sweat on his body. yes, i did notice. right after that, i got lightheaded and almost fainted. then i started laughing at nothing in particular and talking to my good buddy peter, who is visible to no one but me. that's when they both told me to get the fuck in the bathroom, take my top off, and put on a clean short-sleeved shirt. good thing i did, because my t-shirt, under that obscene and unnecessary hoodie, was soaked. in sweat. it smelled SO BAD, i really can't even describe it. (decaying flesh comes very close.) i was about to cry in the bathroom of her parents' house, with her brother outside the door, because i really didn't want to take my hoodie off but i had to. despite the fact that i probably would have died (or at least ended up in the hospital), i really wanted to sweat. and sweat. and sweat. no matter how bad i smelled. but they insisted. and he picked up my filthy clothes (without being grossed out , amazingly) and put them in a plastic bag. nice kid. and then she tried to play matchmaker, by suggesting we hang out until he had to go back to college. (i'm assuming she was playing matchmaker, because why else would you suggest hanging out with someone who wears hoodies in almost ninety degree weather?)

he thought it was a good idea. (what?!) so she had us exchange numbers. (i repeat, what?!)

i don't even understand what happened today. it made as much sense as that movie, sucker punch. (spoiler: that movie makes no sense. in case my subtle hint wasn't enough.) between flirting with the manager of the place i got the job application from (which isn't surprising, since i've hit on several teachers at my school) and flirting with my friend's brother (which was suprising, ironically), i'm beginning to think that i am: a) not getting outside enough, and am becoming socially inept, or; b) spending too much time outdoors, when i should be inside, doing yoga with the windows shut, sweating until i lose weight. (bikram for cheap people.)

anywho, i'm going to apply for this job, since it's (not really, but kind of) walking distance from my house. and since i asked for an application. also, i'm going to hang out with my friend's brother, although i won't be flirting with him again, since his nickname for me is sweats. it's an improvement from that crazy girl with the glasses who plays guitar pretty well but is obviously a closet nerd trying to fit in with normal people, but still. ew. ew. ew. i'll probably hand in that application tomorrow, since i'm still a little lightheaded (which may be why this post is covered in parentheses). but right now, i'm going to shut the windows, turn the fan off, and do some intense yoga because, like i said, i'm obviously lacking common sense right now.

honestly.

twitterpated.

my dog is a stalker. and he's possibly gay. actually... can dogs be gay? (i'm assuming legally blonde was drawing from real life, just a bit.)

yesterday, i was walking my dog, B.J. he's terribly adorable. also, he's terribly energetic and aggresively friendly. we ran into a dog and its owner on the way back. the dog, across the street was barking up a storm and B.J. wasn't about to go home without saying hi, so i asked the guy if it was okay for us to come over and he said, sure, why not.

my glasses broke, by the way, so i couldn't see what this person looked like from across the street. and i didn't care.

UNTIL I SAW HIM.

*drool*

anywho, our dogs are sniffin each other. i'm making awkward dog jokes while trying to not squint at this random person who-- no doubt in my mind-- was trying to go home. all of a sudden i look down and to my horror, B.J. is trying to get on top of this other dog. he's very tiny. probably weighs about seven pounds right now. the other dog must've been at least... sixty? seventy pounds? i'm guessing. i tell the guy my dog is a boy and he says, "oh so is mine. i guess they're gay then."

WHICH WAS BASICALLY MY CUE TO GET THE HECK OUTTA THERE.

i decided not to think about it too much because as far as i'm concerned, i'm still huge. and i don't really feel like being socially awkward due to low self-esteem and yada yada yada. but then today, B.J. and i are walking, and suddenly he's following a scent. (i could tell, because he has a weird sort of twitch that goes through his body when he finds what he's looking for.) i let him lead. wouldn't ya know it, we ended up in front of this house and the dog was in the front yard.

was it cool? certainly, if you're a dog. if you're a human? ...not so much. i used to say if it feels like stalking and looks like stalking... it must be a coincidence. but it turns out that's not how that saying goes. yeahh. but now i know where this person lives. which i didn't want to know, or particularly need to know. but knowledge is power. not really sure how that helps me though. i mean, it would've been great to run into that guy again (and his amazing eyes) but seeing as how i haven't eaten since this past saturday and it's a bit hot out, i'd probably swoon in front of him. i don't think i can pull that off gracefully. my sister said not to get my hopes up, as i tend to do. (what can i say? i love excitement.) i didn't even expect to run into that person or dog again.

i guess B.J. did pretty good. i should give him a treat. (and a bath.)

honestly.

oh, and jackie~ totally missed you <3 can't read your blog anymore, though. (whyyyy?!) bit heartbroken. anywho, i hope you're doing well.

i feel like a total ass.

so my plan worked. i didn't eat today. what i did do was drink right before that party. and take some adderall. what happened next... i'm not proud of, but it happened.

HIGHLIGHTS OF THE EVENING

• drank with owl girl (which is what we'll be calling the skinny transfer.)
• danced with a bunch of people (i can't dance for shit.)
• told a bunch of people i loved them (including people i didn't know.)
• turned an innocent friend of mine into my babysitter (even though i know he totally has a crush on me.)
• told the same innocent friend a bunch of shit about myself (minus the fact that i enjoy starving myself.)
• had the innocent friend drop me home (in true babysitter fashion.)
• made out with innocent friend for three hours (in classic missinsanity fashion.)
• came inside my house around 4:15.

so now you know.

i feel like an ass, though. see, pirate, that girl from the halloween party, she told me he obviously liked me and that i should "totally hook up with him". MEMORY'S A BIT FUZZY but i'm pretty sure i kissed her like seven times at that point. then i kissed him. which was weird. i think it was his first kiss. (which makes me feel even worse.) i wasn't reallly looking forward to going home (coming home?) since i knew i might end up eating. so i did what any girl does in a situation like that. after we got to my house, i made out with him until he had to go home. classy, right? not really. 

he was such a sweetheart too. he was all like, "you're really pretty" and "i don't think you're crazy" although, sadly, he obviously didn't know anything about me. he said i'm cat-like, though. which is like, one of the highest compliments you could give me. ever. and yes, maybe he was an amateur kisser, but everyone at the party recognized him as my boy-toy. and he thoroughly enjoyed kissing me and listening to my stories about my family. still, i'm a total jerk for leading him on like this. NOT TO MENTION MY PHONE IS CURRENTLY IN THE OFF POSITION. so if he texts me over the weekend, sucks for him. if he calls me over the weekend, sucks for him. and if he tries to ask me out on monday... well, you know.

see, the way i figured it, it'd be all "cool, we made out, let's just go back to being buds now" but then he insisted i take his hoodie. which i already know is a bad sign. SHARING CLOTHING-- big no-no. but i took it, because i had to go inside and he had to go home and he wasn't going to leave unless i had it on. i really feel bad, though. i don't like interpersonal commitment and i'm pretty sure that's what he's into. monday is gonna suck monkey balls. seriously. i don't want to hurt his feelings, but i'm also fairly certain if he tries to build this into something more than what it is, i'll hurt him even more.

nobody wins.

'cept for me. 

at the end of the day, a two pound loss makes it totally worth it.

i'm supposed to be waking up in... two hours and i just got home. so i'm going to go to sleep now. EVEN THOUGH I NEVER FINISHED THAT PAPER. SCREW IT. i'm going to sleep.

honestly.

mission accomplished.

who went to the store and bought laxatives today?

that's right.

i feel like i owe you all an explanation. you know how when you're kinda.... jealous of someone, everything about them is instantly a negative? EVEN IF IT'S SOMETHING YOU HAVE IN COMMON WITH THEM? yeah. that's how it is.

hey, i'm not proud of it. but if it makes me feel better, i'll insult everything about her. and also if it makes me feel better, i'll totally flirt with her boyfriend. and guess what? he'll flirt with me, because i make him happier than she does. and because as my best friend, he's obligated to not make it awkward, ever. no matter what i say. if they last until may, i'll be surprised and disgusted. as well as unhappy.

SCREW EXPLANATIONS.

MY BIRTHDAY IS TOMORROW.

I'M BITTER.

THE END.

honestly.

overdue.

yikes. meant to do this yesterday.

so i didn't go see my grandmother, but i did go to the other party where i saw my lovely sister. it turned out only the salad and rice were vegan and my mother was like, "it's rude to come to a party and not eat anything after they cooked so much." so i had some salad and some rice. while my sister and i were making the salad, the lady whose house we were at looked at the two of us and said, "it's amazing that i don't usually see her eat and yet she's still so big." and i was smiling and laughing because what does she know, right? i said it's because my sister always ate real food while i opted for the sweeter side of the supermarket. then my sister and i were talking about ourselves and i mentioned that i wish i had her legs. and she goes, "why, what's wrong with yours?" i couldn't explain it to her. then after we both finished eating, we were sitting on a bed watching heroes (which i've never seen in my life, but it looks interesting). and like, her collarbones... amazing.

dammit.

anyway, i saw her again today. we both got kindle fires. christmas gifts. lovely.

the overdue part, actually, is my current weight which is one hundred and twenty eight pounds. it didn't seem all that big until i spent time with my sister who's like ninety eight pounds. and then it was like, oh. yeah. i'm still fat.

SO... MOVING ON TO A HAPPIER TOPIC.

my friend (who ends up being bitchy from time to time, although i'll never tell her that because i'd feel like one too) decided to make me her nutritionist. the irony is killing me. i don't eat healthy, but apparently i know more about losing weight than she does. so we're going to hold each other accountable. i told her to start using a food journal. i said we'll officially start on the first day of the new year. so we're fitness and food journal buddies. and i told her that my amazingly skinny sister and i basically have the same bone structure, i just eat worse (this line works for me; i use it often) so i won't have to explain to her why i'm suddenly one hundred pounds later on.

and i'm on treadmill mania right now. even my mother is tired of hearing about it.

IF I HAD THE TREADMILL, I'D STOP TALKING ABOUT IT SO MUCH.

some lady said she wondered why i didn't look more like my sister. (to be honest, that party sucked BALLS and if my sister hadn't been there, i would've left. WHY THE HELL WERE ALL THESE FAT PEOPLE ASKING ME WHY I WASN'T SKINNY LIKE HER!?) i told her i'm working on it.

seriously, though. i'm working on it.

i'm tired of being the big sister. i'm supposed to be the little sister.

i'll get there, sooner or later.

honestly.

je suis condamnée a l'éclair, la foudre éphémère.

{i am condemned to flashes and brief lightning.}

i want to learn french so badly. i love the way it sounds. and i want to buy gum. a lot of gum.

my friend and i, we had a girl chat the other day on msn. (how often do i do that? hardly ever. women are more trouble than they're worth, especially when they think they know you better than you know yourself. but msn is kind of my thing, so why not talk to her, right? i was already there. ....moving on.) we talked about thigh gaps. she sounded determined. now whenever i'm like,

omgg, i haven't done my stretches in like, a month! school screwed me overr i'm so freaking fat now. we should be exercise buddies again. <3 it'll be fun, we'll both be super thin and cute and stufffs :)


she's all like,

.... oh. yeah? that's cool. so anyway, should i eat milk and cookies or just cook a lot of pasta and eat it with this tuna i bought yesterday?


......you should probably eat the milk and cookies. (bitch.)


so, yeah. she's not really someone i talk to much these days. (she's a bit like a trigger. it's horrible, i know.) although i am (maybe) going to visit her next week at her college so we can hang out and go clubbing and act like we haven't changed since high school. she's always talking about how she has to go exercise, she needs to get on the treadmill, blah blah blahh. but you know what they say: you can hide the food but you can't hide the fat. (i'm not one to talk, i'm the size of a baby whale right now.) anyway, to cut this story short, she sent me a text. a few hours ago, i guess.

hey, do you know any sites with good beginner's yoga poses?


hmm. do i help someone i've known for almost six years lose weight, even if she can be a capricious bitch at times? or do i play stupid, lose more weight than her, and then act like i don't notice that she's larger than life itself?

i'm probably going to hell for this.

hmmm, no. actually, i wouldn't use sites. they don't show you how to do those poses right. you could hurt yourself.

translation.


hmm, no. actually, i do, but i won't tell you because i am really hoping you gain fifty pounds.

yes, i am in total bitch mode tonight. so your hair is thinning and you can't lose weight-- that's no reason to treat your friends like garbage and then try to get their help other times. so that's that. now that i think about it, i've been totally heartless lately. there's a lady at my mom's job who said she had a treadmill she would give us. but she uhm, injured herself (or something) trying to get the treadmill out of her basement (or something) to give to us on sunday. and she was in the hospital. my mom told me. my response was, "oh. so, we're not getting the treadmill this week then?" basically: 

YEAH, OKAY LADY. YOU WENT TO THE HOSPITAL. SUCK IT UP. I NEED A TREADMILL. 

isn't that terrible? i do feel sorry for her. she's out now. which is good. and i'd love to get the treadmill tomorrow, but my mother thinks we should give her time to recover fully. (this lady used to change her dog's diapers. are you telling me she can't hold a door open so i can get a treadmill?) i'm getting antsy from all this waiting. 

i never noticed this when i was younger, but one of my aunts might have an eating disorder. even when i was younger, i don't remember seeing her eat much, and i used to stay at her house for days sometimes. what i do remember is seeing her on her treadmill. like clockwork, every morning and night. she was my favorite aunt growing up (and still is) because she's was skinny, unlike her sisters. my other aunts would be like, "stop being such a picky eater. food is meant to be shoveled into your mouth." and she would just say, "not hungry? want to drink something, then?" SHE IS SO COOL. you know, for someone who's actually related to me. and she's so freaking skinny.

HOW DID I NOT NOTICE THIS. 

she always used to pick me up when i was little and tell me how long and skinny my legs were. good times, those were. good times. actually, when i was little, i hated eating. and fat people, because my mean aunts were all fat. (that doesn't mean all my fat aunts were mean.) haha, my diary from when i was in first grade has a chart where i split the class into skinny and fat kids. incidentally, all the girls i thought were fat were never mentioned again, but all the skinny girls were my closest friends. hmm. this makes me wonder what kind of kid i really was now.

and the concert is in twenty one days. i've been hovering around one hundred and twenty two pounds ALL MONTH. do you think i could fast that long? holy shit, i don't want to be the fat girl at the concert. gotta stop making excuses for myself. (sad fact: started another food journal today. first entry = depression.)

there's a difference between interest and commitment.

when you're interested in doing something, you do it only when circumstance permits.

when you're committed to something, you accept no excuses, only results.

art turock.

(whoever that is. i really don't care, i just like this quote. unless it's someone really cool. in which case, awesome.)

i couldn't have said it any better.

i won't do anything i'll have to find an excuse for. no excuses. only results.

honestly.

the fine art of making it out alive.

i'm confused.

i'm in a stupor.

i went for a run last night, to clear my mind. i hear running does that to you. my mother objected to it; she said it was too late outside for that. i went anyway. when i got home, chest pounding, my breath coming out in gasps, sweat trickling down the sides of my face, she was ready for me.

"you're so out of control these days."
"yeah, mom? since when. six years?" i asked her because that's when i started noticing the distance between us, something normal mothers and daughters don't have.
"no." she responded quickly, as if she had been waiting a long time to say it. "we always knew you'd be trouble. since you were eight."

we? who do you mean by 'we,' mother dearest? she can't mean papa, i tell myself. papa and i were the best of friends. she's a liar, i decide. then i go to bed.

my dreams were haunted by ghosts. when i woke up in the morning, i was curled in a ball and shivering. chilled to the bone. the icy grip of my nightmare wouldn't let go of me. the feeling followed me to school. i walked around, not completely there. some people noticed. they tried to cheer me up. nothing worked. then suddenly, red was in front of me. tea with honey in one hand, a cigarette in the other. he tried to give me a hug. i backpedaled, fearing human contact. he started talking to me, as if unaware that i'm wasn't responding. he made jokes, he talked about his life, his job, his weekend. he has a cold and it's chilly, i notice. he's standing outside to cheer me up. i felt myself smiling. i pulled it back quickly. then there it was again, a smile on my face. where did it come from, i wonder? how did he know where it was? when he couldn't take the cold anymore, he opened his arms again. "hug?" he asked carefully. i gave him a quick one, then we went our separate ways.

it was as if all the kindness in the world was in that hug. it warmed me up. i noticed it first by the spring in my step. then i noticed i was happier because i was checking out random guys on campus. i couldn't let this good deed go unrewarded. i found him as soon as i could and gave him the biggest hug i could manage. i smiled into his shoulder. "thanks for cheering me up," i mumbled into his jacket.

i had never loved him more than i did right then.

if only the mood swings had just stopped there. my day would have been perfect. but life isn't fair. and i haven't felt like being strong lately. i've just been weak. (food? oh hell yeah, just shove that crap down my throat.) my insignificance is overwhelming. i actually wrote that on something in my school. i hope no one finds it. not that it matters if they did or not. my name isn't on it. i'm covering mirrors, i avoid the scale, i wear my baggiest clothes to school.

i'm so cold. and i've eaten too much. and i need to stay happy. i'm trying so hard.

i've been holding on to that hug all day.

i love you all, too. i read your comments and i just felt worse (i'm sorry) because i didn't deserve it. i don't. and you're still  so kind. i'm trying to stay happy, though, i swear. i'm just so ashamed of myself. but i'm trying. i hope that's good enough for now.

honestly.

curiouser and curiouser.

i wonder how many people notice us, but we don't notice them because we are too busy noticing someone else who will never notice us.

if this is another one of those highs before a really serious low, i'm riding this manic horse into the ground.

anyway, good day today. didn't wear the stockings. forgot i had them in the wash, never dried 'em. but i will tomorrow. good thing i didn't today. yesterday, i didn't eat. today, i didn't eat. cheers! so almost two down and nineteen to go. really fun. if i ever i want to eat, i think i'll listen to hocus pocus by focus because something about it makes me think of hard exercsise. don't know why. but so far so good.

sometimes i'm really glad that my mood swings way up and i feel effervescent, but sometimes i think about it and i go, i must be mad. see, today i was in an amazing mood. and i still am, although i'm controlling it better. but when i'm in a super great mood, i tend to get a little.... oh, i dunno... reckless. i'll walk into the street, skipping and singing when a car is speeding towards me. among other things. and i just flirt with everyone. i mean, geez. that's not always a problem, yeah, but it's probably not such a good idea to smile at almost every guy i see. 


unless it's green eyes. (that's right, i have another crush. so sue me.) he's been in the background since school started. he was there when i faceplanted into a wall, and he was there for every moment when i tackled red. anyway, he smells good. it's really weird, but for most guys i like, the first thing i notice is that they smell really good. and green eyes smells amazing. i think i hugged him for about five minutes straight just so i could smell his shirt. am i creeping you out? i hope not. i'm just a bit weird, you'll have to forgive me. i was standing over green eyes, and-- i don't know if this is because i remembered it from skins-- i kept thinking to myself, look up if you like me. and then he did. and he tacked a smile on it for good measure. (i've never liked a trumpet player before. they're a strange group. i'm approaching with caution.) his eyes are really lovely. and he has a peculiar way of smiling. he smiled a lot today.

it was awesome.

but yeah. two days in. third day is really the problem. and the fifth and seventh. so once i make it past tomorrow, all that's left is thursday and saturday. and once i'm past saturday, i should be fine for the two weeks after that. i mean, my mother's started complaining about my eating habits, but only because OTHER people are asking her about my eating habits. and she wouldn't let me ruin her reputation as a good mother.

guess i'll be wearing lots of long skirts for a while. long skirts and baggy jeans and t shirts.

and purple zebra striped stockings. :)

now i've got to put my bookbag in the wash now. it smelled like a damp basement all day. i was so embarrassed. and i've got homework to do. hope your day was lovely too. <3

honestly.

"because i care about you that much."

okay. i'm using that phrase three times. keep your eyes open.

my day was fairly standard. red came to class late so i didn't get to sit next to him like i did for the past few classes. instead he sat across from me and stared at me. which was fun. and we did crazy faces across the room. then we separated for classes and i saw him again after my class. i was sitting with some classmates doing homework and i called him over. so he came and sat near me. [insert cheesy grin here] our legs were touching and he didn't move his. which i always thought as a good sign. correct me if i'm wrong. we joked around, as usual. i asked if i could drink the rest of his snapple tea (not that i would have, because i have calorie issues) and he said i could have some. i didn't. not much happened when he came over except for the two of us bonding more. like, i found out about his dog. and his childhood. then i looked outside and i saw tino. and i guess i lost my mind.

i gasped and red looked up (along with my other two classmates). i leaped out of my seat and started jumping over chairs frantically, trying to get to the exit so i could tackle tino. it would've looked so freakin' cool. if only the chair hadn't slid at the last second, causing me to knock over the surrounding chairs (and a table) and faceplant into a wall. everyone nearby looked. TOTAL EMBARRASSMENT. so i basically laughed it off-- HOW? I DON'T KNOW-- and went outside, leaving a mess behind me that my new "dad" cleaned up. when i caught up to tino, he thought i was high because i was still laughing it off. so i told him what happened. and he said, why would you faceplant into a wall...

and i said, because i care about you that much.

it was obvious i didn't mean that. so we caught up, kinda or whatever. then i turned and saw that red was leaving and i couldn't let that happen. so i told tino to follow me. i ran through the building (no accidents this time) and chased red to his car. through a parking lot. tino followed me, no surprise there. he was putting his bookbag in his trunk, so i pretended i was going to jump in the trunk. (to give him credit, when he saw me running in his direction, he threw his bag in his trunk and opened his arms.) are you getting in my trunk? he asked in amusement. that's when i said no, i just wanted a hug. SO I GOT MY HUG. and then i was like, how could you leave without giving me a hug, and he was like, i have to go to work. and there are still a few walls you haven't crashed into. (ha. ha. ha.) so i said ALL I GET IS ONE HUG AFTER I CHASED YOU THROUGH A PARKING LOT AND FACEPLANTED INTO A WALL? he said i got a pity hug and a goodbye hug all in one.

because i care about you that much.


for the record, his car is red. i swear, i didn't know until today. it's getting a little freaky now. in a good way.

it's like things are moving fast and yet too slow at the same time. if you know what i mean.

anyway, i'm going to practice my guitar and take it to school on monday. (my hand kinda hurts from crashing into that wall. but for red, i can deal with it.) I THINK I'LL SING SOMETHING FOR HIM. since he sang banana pancakes (by jack johnson) for me. it's only fair, yeah!?

so like, you guys can pick some songs for me to try out. i'd be honored if even one of you suggested a song for me. i think i'm definitely doing grace by jeff buckley (because that's totally our musician). but i said think and definitely in the same sentence, so don't take my word for it.

but really. go ahead and throw some songs at me. i want you to.

because i care about you that much. (SEE WHAT I DID THERE? THERE WAS A REASON AFTER ALL.)

honestly.