happy anniversary, i suppose.

i looked in a mirror, for the first time in a while. i've got bags under my eyes that would make fester addams jealous. my skin is pallid, due to a lack of sunlight. i haven't looked like this since i was fifteen. back then, i did pretty much the same things i'm doing now. i stayed indoors during the day, emerging only at night. i slept very little. the only differences between now and then are that i'm reading novels instead of comic books, and i practice the guitar instead of the piano. if this keeps up, by the time this month is over, i'll be howling at moon, getting reacquainted with my old friend edgar allen poe, and i'll probably have cut myself off from other people entirely.

at any rate, it's been a year here. thank you. for being as amused with my life as i am, for not being completely disgusted with me, and for even bothering to cheer me up when i needed it. i don't always write what's on my mind, but when i do, you accept it. possibly. or you don't read it, which is still a small mercy in itself. either way, i'm touched.

while i don't lie to people i know, i'm not as honest with them as i am here. it's nice to get all this off of my chest from time to time. i had another blog once... but a teacher found it by accident and the fear shocked me into silence. oddly, he's one of my favorite people, and there was nothing truly personal on it, so it shouldn't have bothered me as much as it did. plus, if i ever got around to talking to someone i knew, he'd probably be at the top of the list. (also, he wrote an encyclopedia, which is a direct product of him being awesome. who DOES that?) anyway, i'm glad i can blog here. banana is the only person who knows i have a blog that i actually update regularly, and even she isn't allowed to read this.

although disney completely ruined notre dame de paris (as films inspired by literature usually end up), the hunchback of notre dame was a good movie. you know that scene, where quasimodo lifts esmeralda's body into the air while he frantically screams, "sanctuary! sanctuary!" this is my sanctuary.

honestly.

enough is enough.

no more procrastination.

i know. it sounds crazy, coming from me. gasp. go ahead. but i keep finding excuses to not do things. things like...

homework, for one. that's kind of important. especially in this one class where there's no midterm. i should probably am totally going to do those assignments.

practice my singing more. also kind of important, since my vocal teacher can tell i'm lying about practicing at home. well, i wouldn't say lying. when i say i practiced, i mean i was going to practice and something else came up. but it's the thought that counts, so i did practice in a way. ya know?

exercise more. i have a friend who's in a few of my classes and i told her tomorrow the two of us are going to work out. for thirty minutes before class. and then i might work out after class, just to get some extra time in. on the treadmill. i've been procrastinating on that one since school started. it's really quite shameful. now that it's raining more, i can't run at night like i want to. (like i've been procrastinating with as well.)

eat less crap food. i already don't eat much, but today something really clicked in my head. see, earlier i was hungry. it was lunchtime and my stomach growled. that's not easy to play off, especially in a group. so i asked my friend (the same one i just mentioned) to walk with me. i bought fries. i'm cheap, yes, so i didn't want to buy anything that actually cost a real amount of money. (chinese stores are the best, when you need cheap fries.) i told her i didn't want to go inside the school when we got back even though it was raining. i have issues with eating around/ in front of people now. i feel self-conscious. so i went inside with her. no sense in acting weirder than i already am. i was nibbling at my food, slowly, when this fat girl popped up.

"do you need help with that?" she asked as she dropped herself into the seat closest to me.

it's like, one fucking meal, dammit. like, i can be normal about eating one freaking order of fries for once, right? i wanted to feel like when i was younger, and i could buy food, sit down and eat it and be okay with it. i already felt like shit while i was attempting to eat because it seemed like every single girl that passed was super skinny and i felt like a whale. so i said no a bit sharper than i meant to. then i felt bad and said i was joking.

"i just want one," she said. but when she reached in, she pulled out three. i guess she said some and not one, i thought. bad communication. maybe i wasn't listening. but seriously. it didn't end with one. i mean, i was still nibbling one fry and she was just eating devouring inhaling destroying all of them. and i could hear her chewing and ugh, it was just awful. my stomach turned. and i was a little pissed. i mean, i did pay for it. right? like, can i eat some of the fries i bought for myself? apparently not. i ended up not eating any more. i gave 'em away. had a cup of tea instead. it made me feel so sick, in fact, that i ended up taking my emergency laxative in school.  but i learned my lesson.

sitting next to her, listening to her eat (because i couldn't even bring myself to look at her), i realized the problem. i keep making excuses for myself. which is just making this procrastination worse. so i'm going to work harder. the funny thing is that one of my crushes actually works in the school cafeteria. (crushes, as in i never have only one at a time. more like six or seven. or thirteen.) whenever i see him, he's pushing a cart of food in front of him. gross food but still food. i'm torn between avoiding him and just being around him. i'll figure something out.

anyway, that's how it is. no more procrastination. it's ruining my life. the only thing i should probably procrastinate with is taking laxatives. can you be addicted to these things? because just taking one can make me feel better. it's weird, right? i know. :(

THAT BEING SAID, i had a wonderful day today. green eyes (not that you'd remember him, with his smoldering eyes and disturbingly sexy smile) and red (who is still super happy that i came to his party and won't shut up about it which is kinda cute) are proving to be really good friends. friends that, for some reason, enjoy talking to me. which just goes to show, just because a guy has a girlfriend, it doesn't mean they'll be with them forever. that's not where i meant to go with that. but it works anyway.

okay. now off to do my homework. and take one last laxative, just for good luck.

i can do it.

it sounds terrible, but, that's honestly how it is.

maybe with a little self control, i can get a little self esteem.
i could probably use some of that.

my cellphone background. good thing i don't let people look at it.

now, whenever i feel hungry, i can just check with my cellphone and see if it approves.

i've already got a feeling about what it's going to say, though.

alright. my procrastination officially ends now.

honestly.

p.s. i love you all. :) i'm still reading your blogs even if i'm not commenting all the time. EVEN IF DOING THAT MADE ME LATE FOR MY CLASS TODAY. you know how it is. <3

feeling for bones.

the winds have changed. (... maybe.)

my luck is improving. (... perhaps.)

i haven't gained anything. (... for now.)

it's a bit hard to stay positive with all those little whispers trailing behind my thoughts. but for the most part, i think all of those are true. i've been trying to get a treadmill in this house for years. and finally, finally, it looks like something's going to work out. one of my mom's coworkers has a treadmill for us. (... supposedly.) 


i thought i was going to visit a dear friend of mine next year so we could spend our birthdays together. but it looks like he'd rather work and earn money than spend time with me. spending time with me, i guess, would ultimately be a waste of time. compared to other things he could be doing. really, though. anyone would rather make money than hang around doing "nothing really" for a week. (... obviously.) 


my mother almost restocked the fridge.i went with her and made sure i stocked up on as many fruits as i could. of course, that didn't stop her from putting a couple of unwanted things in the cart. she was paying, i couldn't stop her. now if i binge, it'll be healthy. like that makes a difference. at least i didn't binge yesterday. (... surprisingly.)


i thought one of my best friends was angry with me. turns out i was wrong. i'm glad for that, he's one of few people i can really talk to about anything. i thought another one of my best friends was my workout buddy. i thought we both had goals we wanted to reach and we would support each other. i guess since i'm actually losing weight and she isn't, she doesn't want to talk about it anymore. whatever "it" is. at least when we hang out in two weeks i'll be skinnier than when she last saw me. i guess morrissey was right when he said we hate it when our friends become successful. (... sadly.)


i think i figured out what i miss about high school. i could buy like, ten dollars worth of candy and blow through it in six hours, come home and not gain weight for days in a row. but that's probably because i'd just burn off all the sugar by moving for six hours straight. anyway, i think i'm liquid fasting today. and tomorrow. for as long as i can. mainly because i kinda finished a whole pack of forty eight laxatives between saturday and last night, and i have to go to school today. fingers crossed, though, that i... uhm, got everything out. but i probably didn't. (... unfortunately.)


it seems like there's a lot of sadness blowing around. if you're sad because the trees are dying, don't worry, they'll grow back in the spring. and don't feel like you're not worth anything, because people who aren't worth anything are like, child molesters and pedophiles. and unless you're one of those, then you're just a victim of circumstance. and things change. i mean, life is like a rollercoaster. sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down. usually you're stuck in an endless circle of nausea. ....i forget where i was going with that.

anyway, cheer up. all of you. and go have a lollipop. you've earned it.

(... honestly.)

the fine art of making it out alive.

i'm confused.

i'm in a stupor.

i went for a run last night, to clear my mind. i hear running does that to you. my mother objected to it; she said it was too late outside for that. i went anyway. when i got home, chest pounding, my breath coming out in gasps, sweat trickling down the sides of my face, she was ready for me.

"you're so out of control these days."
"yeah, mom? since when. six years?" i asked her because that's when i started noticing the distance between us, something normal mothers and daughters don't have.
"no." she responded quickly, as if she had been waiting a long time to say it. "we always knew you'd be trouble. since you were eight."

we? who do you mean by 'we,' mother dearest? she can't mean papa, i tell myself. papa and i were the best of friends. she's a liar, i decide. then i go to bed.

my dreams were haunted by ghosts. when i woke up in the morning, i was curled in a ball and shivering. chilled to the bone. the icy grip of my nightmare wouldn't let go of me. the feeling followed me to school. i walked around, not completely there. some people noticed. they tried to cheer me up. nothing worked. then suddenly, red was in front of me. tea with honey in one hand, a cigarette in the other. he tried to give me a hug. i backpedaled, fearing human contact. he started talking to me, as if unaware that i'm wasn't responding. he made jokes, he talked about his life, his job, his weekend. he has a cold and it's chilly, i notice. he's standing outside to cheer me up. i felt myself smiling. i pulled it back quickly. then there it was again, a smile on my face. where did it come from, i wonder? how did he know where it was? when he couldn't take the cold anymore, he opened his arms again. "hug?" he asked carefully. i gave him a quick one, then we went our separate ways.

it was as if all the kindness in the world was in that hug. it warmed me up. i noticed it first by the spring in my step. then i noticed i was happier because i was checking out random guys on campus. i couldn't let this good deed go unrewarded. i found him as soon as i could and gave him the biggest hug i could manage. i smiled into his shoulder. "thanks for cheering me up," i mumbled into his jacket.

i had never loved him more than i did right then.

if only the mood swings had just stopped there. my day would have been perfect. but life isn't fair. and i haven't felt like being strong lately. i've just been weak. (food? oh hell yeah, just shove that crap down my throat.) my insignificance is overwhelming. i actually wrote that on something in my school. i hope no one finds it. not that it matters if they did or not. my name isn't on it. i'm covering mirrors, i avoid the scale, i wear my baggiest clothes to school.

i'm so cold. and i've eaten too much. and i need to stay happy. i'm trying so hard.

i've been holding on to that hug all day.

i love you all, too. i read your comments and i just felt worse (i'm sorry) because i didn't deserve it. i don't. and you're still  so kind. i'm trying to stay happy, though, i swear. i'm just so ashamed of myself. but i'm trying. i hope that's good enough for now.

honestly.

ouch. ouch. ouch.

ouch.

i just practiced unicycling for two hours. can anyone say bruises? maybe. i don't bruise easily, but my thighs are extremely sore and lately my skin's just been slicing itself open. i mean that, too. i haven't cut in months. random cuts, all over. maybe i'm scratching in my sleep. but i don't know.

i owe you a story, the one i promised i'd give earlier. about why i have commitment issues. i wasn't in a relationship or anything, haha. i was just being... well, myself. but come on, what girl hasn't liked a guy and found out he has a girlfriend but still felt some serious chemistry going on? don't leave me hanging here. but then, i've got that whole free love mindset, so i'm not really into relationships anyway. which, i guess, is why i'm not in one. haha. i don't make sense, even to myself. ah well.

i just got a very excited text from one of my favorite friends about a concert happening HERE in november by one of our favorite bands. the band that actually made us friends. (whatevs.) anyway, i'm really going to do my best to be at the very most one hundred pounds then. in november, on the nineteenth (maybe). i was thinking tss, but then i just binged on vegetables. (healthy, but bad idea.) then i was thinking abc, since if i started tomorrow, day 31 would be halloween, which would be PERFECT, because it's got a lovely eight hundred calorie limit that day which is just enough for me to enjoy a pack of skittles. but it's also fifty days, and that would make the last day-- the last fast day--the day of the concert (maybe). then i was thinking sgd, but it looks like the kind of diet where you'd have more of a chance of success if you started day one on a monday. and then there's like giovanni's but for the life of me, i can't see why anyone in their right mind would want to drink two tablespoons of olive oil. so that's not even an option.

so i figured i'd flip a coin or something. but then i thought, duh, screw the fast day on the last day of the abc. it's perfect. and plus, Sam Lupin is like, amazingly inspirational. so there. that's it.

and ouch, it took forever to type this because my fingers are sore from pushing off of walls to retain my balance on a one wheeled instrument of death. but it burns way more calories than attempting to ride a bike with flat tires, or using roller skates that barely fit six years ago. so yeah. bruises, sore thighs, slight inability to blog about it-- totally worth it.

thanks, sam. and all of you, for putting up with my insanity. i'm going to go massage these tired muscles, look for odd jobs so i can go to this concert, and read books. lots of books.

speaking of books.... i forgot to do my homework again.

i knew i left something off that to do list.

honestly.

"because i care about you that much."

okay. i'm using that phrase three times. keep your eyes open.

my day was fairly standard. red came to class late so i didn't get to sit next to him like i did for the past few classes. instead he sat across from me and stared at me. which was fun. and we did crazy faces across the room. then we separated for classes and i saw him again after my class. i was sitting with some classmates doing homework and i called him over. so he came and sat near me. [insert cheesy grin here] our legs were touching and he didn't move his. which i always thought as a good sign. correct me if i'm wrong. we joked around, as usual. i asked if i could drink the rest of his snapple tea (not that i would have, because i have calorie issues) and he said i could have some. i didn't. not much happened when he came over except for the two of us bonding more. like, i found out about his dog. and his childhood. then i looked outside and i saw tino. and i guess i lost my mind.

i gasped and red looked up (along with my other two classmates). i leaped out of my seat and started jumping over chairs frantically, trying to get to the exit so i could tackle tino. it would've looked so freakin' cool. if only the chair hadn't slid at the last second, causing me to knock over the surrounding chairs (and a table) and faceplant into a wall. everyone nearby looked. TOTAL EMBARRASSMENT. so i basically laughed it off-- HOW? I DON'T KNOW-- and went outside, leaving a mess behind me that my new "dad" cleaned up. when i caught up to tino, he thought i was high because i was still laughing it off. so i told him what happened. and he said, why would you faceplant into a wall...

and i said, because i care about you that much.

it was obvious i didn't mean that. so we caught up, kinda or whatever. then i turned and saw that red was leaving and i couldn't let that happen. so i told tino to follow me. i ran through the building (no accidents this time) and chased red to his car. through a parking lot. tino followed me, no surprise there. he was putting his bookbag in his trunk, so i pretended i was going to jump in the trunk. (to give him credit, when he saw me running in his direction, he threw his bag in his trunk and opened his arms.) are you getting in my trunk? he asked in amusement. that's when i said no, i just wanted a hug. SO I GOT MY HUG. and then i was like, how could you leave without giving me a hug, and he was like, i have to go to work. and there are still a few walls you haven't crashed into. (ha. ha. ha.) so i said ALL I GET IS ONE HUG AFTER I CHASED YOU THROUGH A PARKING LOT AND FACEPLANTED INTO A WALL? he said i got a pity hug and a goodbye hug all in one.

because i care about you that much.


for the record, his car is red. i swear, i didn't know until today. it's getting a little freaky now. in a good way.

it's like things are moving fast and yet too slow at the same time. if you know what i mean.

anyway, i'm going to practice my guitar and take it to school on monday. (my hand kinda hurts from crashing into that wall. but for red, i can deal with it.) I THINK I'LL SING SOMETHING FOR HIM. since he sang banana pancakes (by jack johnson) for me. it's only fair, yeah!?

so like, you guys can pick some songs for me to try out. i'd be honored if even one of you suggested a song for me. i think i'm definitely doing grace by jeff buckley (because that's totally our musician). but i said think and definitely in the same sentence, so don't take my word for it.

but really. go ahead and throw some songs at me. i want you to.

because i care about you that much. (SEE WHAT I DID THERE? THERE WAS A REASON AFTER ALL.)

honestly.

i was told desire had a sell-by date.

well, it's rotted and altered but still remains.

i was in such a funk yesterday, i didn't mention the good things that happened at school. earlier this year, before i started admitting my feelings for two people who are as different as feathers and strawberries (feelings that were non-existent at the time), i liked this guy. let's call him red. i thought he was magnetic when i first saw him, since my eyes wouldn't move very far from him. we wore the same sneakers (red converses, hence the name) and had the same style. i. was hypnotized. that friend from yesterday, let's call her... banana (since fruits and veggies are all she eats). i confided in her that i liked red. she turned her nose up in disgust. "he smokes pot," she commented with disgust. (she's all about being straight edge.) i didn't care about that, but i pretended to be shocked. "that's not the kind of person you want to spend time with." anyway, i'm not one to take advice. so i took another friend of mine outside with me when red left the building.

i asked my friend what his name was. he told me. so i watched red cross the parking lot for another five seconds before yelling "RED" (or whatever his real name is, haha). he turned around and i said hi, he asked what my name was and then he left. that was about the extent of our acquaintanceship.

anywho, when i got to school, i ran into-- guess who?-- banana! (if you thought red, you're getting ahead of the story. calm down.) she pointed me to my first class.. outside my classroom door, i ran into-- okay, go ahead, you know this-- red! i didn't think he'd remember me. so i didn't say anything to him. but he smiled and said, "hey, i remember you!" so i guess he did. and then i said, "oh yeah, you look familiar." as if i didn't know. pffft. silly me. so we exchanged names, found out we were in the same class and high-fived. he sat in front of me (which is when i noticed hie had a tattoo on the back of his right shoulder. "it's the treble clef," he informed me.) and then next to me when we rearranged the chairs in a semi-circle. he joked a lot whenever the teacher wasn't talking. i felt awkward. nervous. shy. but happy. (the level of happiness you'd get from smelling the inside of a new car. or new sneakers.) then class ended. he vanished outside to smoke. (something i wish i had the balls to do in public at school.) i went to class. i ran into this  partially creepy and much older guy i was slightly familiar with. turns out he was in my next class. and just when i began to consider changing my schedule, there was red. strolling through the door. yes, my eyebrows shot up. yes, his did too. then he got a chair and put it beside mine. now, i'm not sure if that was because i was sitting there, or because this other girl was sitting on my other side, but whatever the reason, he ended up next to me.

again.

cheers! maybe he'll turn out to be in some of my other classes too. i guess i'll find out on monday. it's a shame, though. he seems like a really sweet guy, but i told myself i wouldn't have any crushes. i barely pay attention already. my notes from yesterday are ten percent actual notes and ninety percent doodles. (red noticed this and glanced often at my paper, but didn't comment. maybe because i drew his tattoo. my excuse? we're taking music classes together.)

anyway, today was a beautiful day. for once, i wouldn't change a thing. i woke up late, so i didn't do yoga today, but i let it slide. i drank a cup of water every thirty minutes until about two hours ago when i ate a bunch of broccoli. sometime between three and four i did seven hundred jumping jacks and about one hour of... vigorous movement. i wasn't even really exercising, just "dancing" to music. then, when i was truly worn out, i started writing my favorite lyrics in one of my blank notebooks. (most of them are from piano magic.) at which point i got a text from my best friend stating that his girlfriend barely spoke to him all day, and then went out with a bunch of guys and started ignoring him. (yes, that made me happy too. i don't care. i'll feel guilty tomorrow. MAYBE.) i told him to cheer up. maybe now he'll start to accept the fact that there's a good chance that she's considering breaking up with him. good riddance, i say. gotta take out the trash eventually. he has to open his eyes sometime.

what am i forgetting... oh yeah!

you guys. are so amazing. thanks for all the positive comments you leave behind. and just for reading period. *wipes tear* (no, not really. but the sentiment is totally there.) i really appreciate it. you have no idea.

did i mention you're all amazing?

because you are.

honestly.

(oh yeah, and like, it's my mother's birthday today. i should have gotten her something.... like a card. something like a card. i'll figure something out on sunday. or i'll never hear the end of it.)