feeling for bones.

the winds have changed. (... maybe.)

my luck is improving. (... perhaps.)

i haven't gained anything. (... for now.)

it's a bit hard to stay positive with all those little whispers trailing behind my thoughts. but for the most part, i think all of those are true. i've been trying to get a treadmill in this house for years. and finally, finally, it looks like something's going to work out. one of my mom's coworkers has a treadmill for us. (... supposedly.) 


i thought i was going to visit a dear friend of mine next year so we could spend our birthdays together. but it looks like he'd rather work and earn money than spend time with me. spending time with me, i guess, would ultimately be a waste of time. compared to other things he could be doing. really, though. anyone would rather make money than hang around doing "nothing really" for a week. (... obviously.) 


my mother almost restocked the fridge.i went with her and made sure i stocked up on as many fruits as i could. of course, that didn't stop her from putting a couple of unwanted things in the cart. she was paying, i couldn't stop her. now if i binge, it'll be healthy. like that makes a difference. at least i didn't binge yesterday. (... surprisingly.)


i thought one of my best friends was angry with me. turns out i was wrong. i'm glad for that, he's one of few people i can really talk to about anything. i thought another one of my best friends was my workout buddy. i thought we both had goals we wanted to reach and we would support each other. i guess since i'm actually losing weight and she isn't, she doesn't want to talk about it anymore. whatever "it" is. at least when we hang out in two weeks i'll be skinnier than when she last saw me. i guess morrissey was right when he said we hate it when our friends become successful. (... sadly.)


i think i figured out what i miss about high school. i could buy like, ten dollars worth of candy and blow through it in six hours, come home and not gain weight for days in a row. but that's probably because i'd just burn off all the sugar by moving for six hours straight. anyway, i think i'm liquid fasting today. and tomorrow. for as long as i can. mainly because i kinda finished a whole pack of forty eight laxatives between saturday and last night, and i have to go to school today. fingers crossed, though, that i... uhm, got everything out. but i probably didn't. (... unfortunately.)


it seems like there's a lot of sadness blowing around. if you're sad because the trees are dying, don't worry, they'll grow back in the spring. and don't feel like you're not worth anything, because people who aren't worth anything are like, child molesters and pedophiles. and unless you're one of those, then you're just a victim of circumstance. and things change. i mean, life is like a rollercoaster. sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down. usually you're stuck in an endless circle of nausea. ....i forget where i was going with that.

anyway, cheer up. all of you. and go have a lollipop. you've earned it.

(... honestly.)