typical.

my life is so predictable. in the worst ways.

my friend keeps pushing back the time i'm supposed to come hang out with her at her college, so i said fuck it. in our friendship, she only has time to be a friend sometimes. unlike me, of course. if she needs to talk to me, i'm just sitting around with nothing to do, waiting to talk to her. obviously. but that's not even a real issue. i've completely given up on the two of us ever being real friends, so whatever.

i've been spending a lot of time hanging out with this one girl from school. we go to her house and we study or we talk about things. her family loves having me over. but every time i go to her house, i feel like i'm using her. to feel normal for a few hours. whenever i don't feel like going home, i just say, "hey, i'm coming to your house today." and she's like, "okay, cool." but it's not cool. so i'm going to cook dinner for her family on monday. just because they've been really nice to me. hopefully, i don't completely screw this up. knowing me, i'd accidentally poison all of them. (i'm joking. kind of. i wouldn't poison anyone intentionally.) she asked me if i wanted to sleep over this weekend. i said no, because i thought i'd be hanging out with my (aforementioned) friend. now my weekend is going to be shit.

yesterday started badly, got slightly better and then fell sharply. i had a small breakfast, and while i was eating, i asked the girl i ride to school with to bring my ipod charger. i lent her mine, since she doesn't have one. for some retarded reason, at 9.45 i told her i'd be out in two minutes and i didn't actually emerge from my house until fifteen minutes later. so i'm pretty sure i made her late for vocal lessons. (way to ruin someone else's day, right?) then i skipped my first two classes to help my friend with her project, which was filming some sort of video project something or another. i made a fool out of myself, and they're going to play it in class. brilliant. so i go to my next class, which is uneventful, but somehow still depressing. probably because of the midterm.
i leave my things with some of my classmates, i ask them to watch it. i go to the store to get a lollipop because i'm totally on the edge of depression and i'm trying to not go there. when i come back, my binder is on a chair behind everyone, they're not watching my stuff, and it looks like all my papers fell out and they didn't even bother to put them back in. so my mood is not getting better. i go to choir (or whatever it's called) and banana (if you remember her) is totally acting like i don't exist. which is her thing now. she ignores me. which is great because i thought we were friends. and when she isn't ignoring me, she's looking at me so i know she can see me, but she just doesn't give a shit. anyway, that kind of turned my sadness into something similar to annoyance, which cheered me up a bit. (if that makes any sense.)

then there was this halloween party at my school last night. green eyes and i ended up being the only two without costumes, so we stole a broom and dustpan and went as janitors. lame, yeah, i know. this girl, who we'll just call the pirate, decided to drink vodka. she's a paperweight. she was completely drunk and she drank like, nothing. so green eyes and i ended up watching her, which was great. no, actually, it wasn't. nothing makes you depressed like seeing a bunch of people having fun without you. even drunk and making a fool out of herself, the pirate had all these guys constantly around her. and green eyes was dancing with this girl who was dressed up as tinker bell. i was dancing... by myself. on the edge of the group. then i had to take the pirate off the dance floor because too many people were trying to get down her pants. i ended up not enjoying myself for the rest of the night, staying late to make sure the drunk girl could get somewhere safely and then leaving with green eyes who dropped me off at the bus stop. at midnight. he told me all about how yet another guy in our class likes the pirate and how he didn't think tinker bell should be going out with the guy who dressed up as peter pan. (which sounded a lot like, "i like her even though i have a girlfriend.")
i called my mother to tell her i was on my way home, she said she would come pick me up from the bus stop. thirty minutes later, she drives past me. and it wasn't like it was dark or anything, plus i was the only person standing at the bus stop. that's when i had this crazy little thing i call a mental breakdown. so i'm basically crying at a bus stop because i hate my life. i'm shivering because the temperature dropped and i was totally not dressed for that shit. and my mother comes back thirty minutes later because she realizes she passed me.

so that was a good day. aside from realizing that i'm the quintessential bro-friend (despite being a girl) and  concluding that i'm obviously hideous because no one likes me, it turns out that everyone either likes the girls who are twenty pounds heavier than me or twenty pounds lighter. i'm just in that awkward place. i don't know.

i'm such a fucking loser.

i'm just going to sit here, wallowing in a mixture of self-pity and self-hate.

i don't want to do anything.

if i get myself to take a shower today it'll be a miracle.

i hate my life.

honestly.