je suis condamnée a l'éclair, la foudre éphémère.

{i am condemned to flashes and brief lightning.}

i want to learn french so badly. i love the way it sounds. and i want to buy gum. a lot of gum.

my friend and i, we had a girl chat the other day on msn. (how often do i do that? hardly ever. women are more trouble than they're worth, especially when they think they know you better than you know yourself. but msn is kind of my thing, so why not talk to her, right? i was already there. ....moving on.) we talked about thigh gaps. she sounded determined. now whenever i'm like,

omgg, i haven't done my stretches in like, a month! school screwed me overr i'm so freaking fat now. we should be exercise buddies again. <3 it'll be fun, we'll both be super thin and cute and stufffs :)


she's all like,

.... oh. yeah? that's cool. so anyway, should i eat milk and cookies or just cook a lot of pasta and eat it with this tuna i bought yesterday?


......you should probably eat the milk and cookies. (bitch.)


so, yeah. she's not really someone i talk to much these days. (she's a bit like a trigger. it's horrible, i know.) although i am (maybe) going to visit her next week at her college so we can hang out and go clubbing and act like we haven't changed since high school. she's always talking about how she has to go exercise, she needs to get on the treadmill, blah blah blahh. but you know what they say: you can hide the food but you can't hide the fat. (i'm not one to talk, i'm the size of a baby whale right now.) anyway, to cut this story short, she sent me a text. a few hours ago, i guess.

hey, do you know any sites with good beginner's yoga poses?


hmm. do i help someone i've known for almost six years lose weight, even if she can be a capricious bitch at times? or do i play stupid, lose more weight than her, and then act like i don't notice that she's larger than life itself?

i'm probably going to hell for this.

hmmm, no. actually, i wouldn't use sites. they don't show you how to do those poses right. you could hurt yourself.

translation.


hmm, no. actually, i do, but i won't tell you because i am really hoping you gain fifty pounds.

yes, i am in total bitch mode tonight. so your hair is thinning and you can't lose weight-- that's no reason to treat your friends like garbage and then try to get their help other times. so that's that. now that i think about it, i've been totally heartless lately. there's a lady at my mom's job who said she had a treadmill she would give us. but she uhm, injured herself (or something) trying to get the treadmill out of her basement (or something) to give to us on sunday. and she was in the hospital. my mom told me. my response was, "oh. so, we're not getting the treadmill this week then?" basically: 

YEAH, OKAY LADY. YOU WENT TO THE HOSPITAL. SUCK IT UP. I NEED A TREADMILL. 

isn't that terrible? i do feel sorry for her. she's out now. which is good. and i'd love to get the treadmill tomorrow, but my mother thinks we should give her time to recover fully. (this lady used to change her dog's diapers. are you telling me she can't hold a door open so i can get a treadmill?) i'm getting antsy from all this waiting. 

i never noticed this when i was younger, but one of my aunts might have an eating disorder. even when i was younger, i don't remember seeing her eat much, and i used to stay at her house for days sometimes. what i do remember is seeing her on her treadmill. like clockwork, every morning and night. she was my favorite aunt growing up (and still is) because she's was skinny, unlike her sisters. my other aunts would be like, "stop being such a picky eater. food is meant to be shoveled into your mouth." and she would just say, "not hungry? want to drink something, then?" SHE IS SO COOL. you know, for someone who's actually related to me. and she's so freaking skinny.

HOW DID I NOT NOTICE THIS. 

she always used to pick me up when i was little and tell me how long and skinny my legs were. good times, those were. good times. actually, when i was little, i hated eating. and fat people, because my mean aunts were all fat. (that doesn't mean all my fat aunts were mean.) haha, my diary from when i was in first grade has a chart where i split the class into skinny and fat kids. incidentally, all the girls i thought were fat were never mentioned again, but all the skinny girls were my closest friends. hmm. this makes me wonder what kind of kid i really was now.

and the concert is in twenty one days. i've been hovering around one hundred and twenty two pounds ALL MONTH. do you think i could fast that long? holy shit, i don't want to be the fat girl at the concert. gotta stop making excuses for myself. (sad fact: started another food journal today. first entry = depression.)

there's a difference between interest and commitment.

when you're interested in doing something, you do it only when circumstance permits.

when you're committed to something, you accept no excuses, only results.

art turock.

(whoever that is. i really don't care, i just like this quote. unless it's someone really cool. in which case, awesome.)

i couldn't have said it any better.

i won't do anything i'll have to find an excuse for. no excuses. only results.

honestly.