twenty one.

i finally turned twenty-one. (happy new year to me.) because of all the things i was doing with school, i didn't have any time to plan something. or do anything. as far as "birthdays" go, it was uneventful. i've wondered and still wonder why i still subscribe to the notion that something exciting has to happen on my birthday, or something involving other people. in retrospect, nothing good ever happens when i try to spend time with people on my birthday. either way, it's nice to still be alive.

if  you had asked me nine years ago what my life would be like when i hit twenty one, i would've had some crazy ideas. some of the things i wanted to do when i was younger, i did. actually, up to this point, most of the things i wanted to do when i was younger, i did. a few things were just completely stupid, pointless, or otherwise unimportant, so i don't really mind having not done them.

i found out that one of my friends is moving to another state about two weeks ago. i was really upset with him, because he didn't tell me, and i found out through another person. but then i realized how stupid it was to waste our remaining time together. that's one of the cool things about growing up and having so many experiences. i realize things a lot faster than i used to. like when someone's full of shit. or when i should keep my mouth shut.

i'm starting to appreciate simpler people more. you know how some people just complicate your life and make everything stressful somehow? i don't need that. simple people (not stupid or boring, necessarily, just simple) are easier to talk to. they're easier to be around. they're like sneakers versus high heels. you can have them around all day and be completely comfortable. i know a few people who are like that all the time. i enjoy them. i'm finally getting rid of negative company. i want to be a person i can completely respect. that includes my choice of friends. for example, this muppet-like girl (and no, i don't mean awesomely puppety, i mean something else entirely) and i had this conversation. for the record, she thinks the sun shines out of her anus and we should all subscribe to her issues. wrong. and wrong.

her: is your smile broken? [insert shit-eating grin.]
me: yes. yes it is. [straight faced.]
her: oh really? why is that?
me: i can't smile when i look at your face.

that was a good day.

my room is as messy as ever, and i still carry my teddy bear around with me from time to time. i'm happy about that. i don't want to be like a lot of my friends, who crumbled under the pressure to grow up at a certain pace and let go of their childhoods. i don't plan on doing that. i like banana's i-don't-give-a-fuck attitude. she knows who she is, who she wants to be, and maybe she'll be offended by your reaction to her from time to time, but she'll stay that way. she's awesome. people who don't let other people change them are great people. unless, of course, they're horrible people. then they're still horrible.

i wrote a letter to myself for my birthday. i told myself, don't flip a tit over useless $#!*. i think that's probably the best advice i ever gave myself. everything else came from other people. the best advice i got on my birthday was from my supervisor. she said, "if you hit a wrong note, hit it again." basically, if i make a mistake, learn to be okay with it. learn from it. i have a tendency to not want to do something again, if my first shot at it is horrible. (i.e. i refuse to take my driver's test until i stop hating cars.) i don't think i'll grow as a person if i keep that up. so i don't plan on it.

i like the blankness of year twenty-one. i'm going to have fun with it.

honestly.