what can we do with it, this Humanity? nothing.

2013.

october twenty fourth, twenty-thirteen. that's when banana told me she was taking a leave of absence. it was my dad's birthday and i was already pretty much in the dumps. but i smiled. that's okay, i told her. you'll be back. i went through something not unlike a mental breakdown, where i started crying in class and actually told my classmates and teacher how much i missed her. being worried about your friends is stressful as heck but sure enough, just like she said, she was back. and we fell right back into our old routine, whispering too loudly in class, laughing at all the stupid things people wasted their time with. they don't care about what's really important, she said, rolling her eyes. whatever. we just gotta get through this. i can't even count how many days i've watched her flip her long brown hair defiantly over one shoulder before going to her car. every step said screw this school, i'm over it.

2015.

february twenty first, twenty-fifteen. the day of my birthday, i get an email from my teacher. see, banana and i were class partners. so my teacher felt obligated to tell me that she's withdrawn from the program. i already knew, long before the email. but it really sucked to be told that. i've been defending her violently in class. whenever people say, soo... where is she? haha, she's probably not coming back. i'd tell them they were being completely rude and end all conversation on the topic. i would do that for anyone who was being traduced but even more so, when it's one of my close friends, i get that much more upset. like clockwork, the school counselor sends out an email for a workshop on emotional stability. which i'm obviously not going to because no one who's actually on the edge of emotional instability is foolish enough to walk into one of those things. at least not on campus.

so here i am now, unable to sleep. i have this class tomorrow and i don't want to go. at the same time, i have to go because i need to keep my life at this pace or it'll fall apart again. also, almost equally, i'm really starting to realize how incapable i am of functioning around people for extended periods of time, so i've been slowly withdrawing from my social circles while simultaneously being more active in them (so as not to raise suspicion).

i don't know how it's working but it is.

the good news is i've been doing all my homework. the bad news is that my brain is starting to do its own thing again. i haven't had caffeine in... two months. and i've got about eighteen cans of red bull nearby. i'll probably need it for tomorrow... but anyway, more good news... um, one of my best friends is getting counseling for his depression, yay! he's being proactive about his marriage, which is good. the bad news is, my therapist absolutely sucks and talks for 50/60 mins of our session about NOTHING. the good news is, i've managed to avoid seeing him for about three weeks now. so i'm going to see how long i can keep this up before i can quit. and just to end on a happy note, puck asked if i'll accept a hug tomorrow as a birthday present. WAIT.

okay, random story.

last week, he saw a girl that he thought was me. she had a tattoo of a cross on the back of her neck but everything else seemed similar to him. (i have no tattoos.) so instead of saying hi or something else normal people do, he ran his finger down her tattoo. of course, she spun around and was like, "......." at which point, he asked her to print his homework. she did. naturally. (i mean, creepy or not, the guy is gorgeous.) so he told me this story when he saw me later that day and guess who passed by? the girl. even though he wasn't wearing his glasses (a valid excuse), we look nothing alike, she and i. puck, right? he's super weird and yet he's pretty cool.

so here's me, running back and forth between feeling horrible about abandoning most of my friends and feeling great about the fact that such a lovely boy is friends with me. two different kinds of hell, but hell all the same.

honestly.