i failed.

so i ate. i caved in. and after i ate, my stomach felt heavy, disgusting and uncomfortable. my hands clenched in fists. why did i ruin it like that? it wasn't worth it. i was almost there. it wasn't worth it. and now, with my legs pulled up to my chest and my head on my knees, i can't go back in time and fix that idiotic second i let the first piece hit my tongue. i used my morning after pill, a small blue exlax. maybe that'll help. who knows. that's the last time i'm eating for this month. the last time. the weight of this guilt is so overwhelming that i can barely sit up straight. i'm slouching. my doctor would not be happy if she could see me now. i can't eat again this month. i betrayed my body. i'm spending the rest of today doing some intense exercise, joining that gym, and not eating. i didn't even finish the food, you know? i put the rest in the back of the fridge. i'm gonna throw it out. at least now my mom will think i've been eating. not that she gave a shit about that anyway.

when i stepped on the scale, it said, you treacherous bitch. how could you do this? we were so close. we were so fucking close and you ruined it. and i can't deny that it's the truth. the scale never lies.

haha. i haven't fucked up this badly since i brought a dog home while my mom was on vacation. you know what? maybe i just won't eat until school starts again. that's the eighth of september. after what happened a few hours ago, i don't think i'll give in again. and if i ever feel like it, i can read this. sorry i let you down too, girls. a moment of weakness. (is this what eve felt like? i hope the fruit was at least low-calorie.)

maybe i should've put some fucking duct tape on my lips.

maybe i will.

honestly.