a mind is a terrible thing.

i've been having strange dreams again. last night, an elf slipped through my window to curl up behind me.

you've been eating, haven't you, he stated as one arm draped around my waist. i can feel it.

then i sat up and we went over all of my imperfections. it took a while.

everyone can see it, he whispered. everybody knows.

and then familiar faces, attached to familiar bodies, rushed into my room and gathered around my scale. their eyes made my cheeks burn as i stepped onto the scale again and again.

it's going up, they told me. you're making the numbers go up.

someone yelled, this is disgusting! and ran out of my room. someone else started laughing.

stop fucking around, the elf hissed as they began to disperse. you could be amazing. don't you want to be?

so, you know, it was interesting. as far as dreams go, this one wasn't as bad as it could have been.

that aside, it seems i don't have the energy for school lately. i have energy for other things, like reading and video games, but once i'm in school, my eyes start closing and my brain shuts down. i can't function there. i also can't find many people i'm comfortable being around too long. i feel like if i sit in one spot too long, my body will start to spread out and they'll notice, even if they don't say anything. on top of that, my thoughts are spiraling again. it's like my head is full of those super bouncy balls and they're ricocheting around my skull. sometimes it feels like they find an opening and fall out of my mouth.

i think i'm going to get a new ipod (since the other one was obviously sucked into some time-space wormhole and no longer exists in our plane of reality), because it's too quiet and i can hear myself thinking. i'm afraid that if i think too much, i'll do something stupid. of course, if i don't think at all, i'll do something stupid. i feel like a character in an oscar wilde fairy tale, full of good intentions but doomed to a tragic end.

i hope my mind is calmer tonight. i could use a break.

honestly.