smell that? that's the remainder of my self-esteem going up in flames.

my brain is currently stuck on "you're a piece of shit" mode. which is when those annoying voices that pop up and don't shut up keep repeating, "you're a piece of shit." except, just to keep things interesting, they make sure to say all the different ways you're a piece of shit, so you don't get the feeling that maybe things aren't as bad as you think. they're very loyal, though. they may go off for a while, but they always come back. there's something oddly comforting about them...

last night, i went to a concert with some friends. imagine my pride when i realized i was the skinniest one. you know, at first. because when we got to the concert, there were (obviously) skinnier people there. but it was still a deceptively good start to an otherwise terrible evening. the music was wonderful, all of the different musicians were friendly, and then it all went to hell. turns out one of my (you'll have to forgive me for this) rounder companions was friends with this amazingly supercalifragilisticexpialidocious guy. a guy, might i add, that i would have really loved to talk to. but she's so goddamn supercilious that she kept calling the rest of us her 'posse'. yes, this is the same girl that wants to eat out every friday. but that's insignificant. i went along, because she needed a wingman/wingwoman/whatever, and i was available. I MADE MYSELF AVAILABLE. on a saturday night. and you know what?

i swear to god, she got more numbers than me. meaning, you know, i got none. and she got several.

and that was the blow to my self-image that i (apparently) needed before spring break even fully started.

there's a little part of me that's saying, "it's not such a big deal. you've had worse things happen to you." and then there's this bigger little part of me saying, "even if you were skinnier, you'd still be an unattractive sack of shit, so why bother doing anything, like talking to people and being social. you're pathetic." and because that bigger part of me is much louder, it wins. so i'll be spending this spring break indoors. except for like two days that i promised some people i'd see them. i could cancel, but that wouldn't be right.

i wouldn't care as much if she was skinnier than me. because then i could easily pin it on that, you know? but it's the fact that she isn't that's throwing my mind into a shitstorm of unparalleled proportions. and so i bid a fond farewell to my self-esteem for the time being. maybe something will happen that'll make me feel better, like i'll lose twenty pounds, or win a month's worth of free kickboxing lessons. but i doubt it.

and to top it all off, i'm really bad at being bitchy. or i should say acting bitchy. because now i'll probably spend the rest of the night talking to her about the guys she's talking to that i'm obviously not talking to, because i'll be talking to her talking about them. instead of talking to her about them.

what makes me really pissed off is that i couldn't actually tell this to any of my friends because they'd only say things like, "but you're smart" or "you're really talented" or "you're terribly funny" but what the fuck does that have to do with anything? i don't even have my ipod to lay in bed with, because it's been lost for a while now. damn thing is so small, i don't even know where it could be.

on the bright side, when we went out to eat after the concert, i didn't eat anything. and i have camus, bukowski, burgess and bradbury to read all week. and i can listen to the smiths and joy division, so at least i won't be bored while i'm hating myself.

these little things are the only reason i'm not curled up under my bed, crying about my miserable existence. but it probably won't last.

honestly.