if you were to ask me how long i've been running for, i don't even think that i could answer. i just don't know anymore.

as messed up as i am right now, in some ways i'm doing a lot better than i was when i was younger. or at least, up until recently i was. i think i'm regressing. that bothers me a little, but it's also comforting.

i remember being in gym class in high school and wearing long sleeves under my gym shirt because i didn't want anyone to see the cuts on my arm. now i'm wearing hoodies and sweaters in the summer-- which would be normal for me if i wasn't also doing it indoors. the good news is that even though i started again, and have been going a little deeper than i used to, i haven't in about a week. so yay... maybe i can stop again.  but at this rate, probably not. at least it's cutting and not overdosing on nyquil like i used to. it went from, "bad day? drink some nyquil!" to "bad day? wipe off the ol' razor!" objectively, they're both bad.

one of the positives would be the music, i guess. within tempation, rob zombie, boys night out, placebo, evanescence-- all the bands i listened to when i was younger, i'm getting into again. weird al too, but he doesn't really fit in that group. i remember riding my bike around for hours, listening to songs like 'fat' and 'eat it' and 'girls just wanna have lunch' and not eating anything but a pack of gum or something. living off of comic books, math/science textbooks and brain teasers. no bike right now, but the music, gum, textbooks and puzzles are all lined up.

a negative is probably the need for seclusion. even when i spend time with other people, i keep wishing they would go away and leave me in peace. i miss my best friend from then, leo. he was like my big brother. he used to self harm too, but worse than me, and he suffered from depression. he used to stop eating for days sometimes because something happened to him. but it's not like he had an eating disorder, he was just depressed. he's dead now, which sucks major ass, and there's no one that could replace him. our friendship was really nice, because we understood each other and could talk about anything. and it was really balanced. i feel like all of my friendships now are uneven, like my friends don't really care about me. whenever i try to talk to my friends about something, they just go "hm" and start talking about something else. or they pretend to understand, and i can just tell by everything they're saying they didn't hear a word i said. half of them just use me so they won't fail school, and the other half just use me to fill up an empty space that someone else vacated. and then they get rid of me once they've got a better replacement. which is probably why i'd rather just be alone. it's basically the same.

a positive is probably the organization. my room is officially the most organized it's been since i was twelve, and it's nice to be able to find anything i need, even in the dark. keeping everything just so is nice. i don't have to think about too much. even my closet is organized, with all my jackets together, all my hoodies together and stuff.

i don't know why i'm writing all this. i think i'm trying to take my mind off the fact that this fucking wonderful guy, this asshole who wormed his way past every lock i put up around my heart is fucking ruining me. he ran into his ex-girlfriend, and because i'm his best friend, i get to hear all about it. again. like i have for the past two fucking years. i think every guy will always obsessed with his ex-girlfriend, and no matter how they say they're over her, they aren't. i also have the beginnings of a headache, because my other friend hazel-ra came back from a trip. i know he liked or likes me, but while he was away, he found a girl who looked just like me-- which is creepy and disgusting and flattering and infuriating and pathetic-- and he ended up spending a ton of time with her. as soon as he comes back, he says when he got to the airport to return home, he saw a girl, went up to her and told her she was the most beautiful girl he had seen in europe. part of me is like, okay, that's cute. part of me is like, so what about that girl who looked like me? was she not pretty enough? of course, whoever she is, i hate her guts already, but i feel sorry for her, because i feel sorry for myself and she looks a lot like me.

i have the music and seclusion. my room is organized, so i know exactly where to go for what i want right now. but i think three out of four is more than enough and i want don't want  have to can't cut right now. i'm more irritated than sad. i feel like a weak piece of shit for letting people get to me. for letting this dickwad chisel through the concrete i buried my heart in and releasing the whole fucking box of emotions i was so close to killing. for being trapped inside myself. i kind of want to throw up, but i don't think i will with my mother and sister here. (because then i'd have to go get food from downstairs and they'd know i was eating, which would be the straw on this feeble, incompetent, and wimpy camel's back right now.)

my heart is full of memory and desire, and in its last nervousness, there is pity for those i have touched, but only hatred and contempt for myself.

delmore schwartz

i wish i didn't feel like the world was caving in around me. i don't even know how i got stuck in this. every time i feel like i should be mad at other people, i just end up mad at myself. i don't know how long i can last like this.

honestly.