fill my stomach with butterflies. have me floating on air.

crushes are cute. the concept of having a crush. the feeling of liking someone. the stupid things you do that make that person smile, that maybe aren't as stupid as you thought. the moments when your eyes connect with theirs and your heart jumps in your chest. the way that bubbly feeling can overflow into every other moment of your day. it's a precious experience.

and then there's the dark side of crushes.

the feeling of liking someone you know won't ever like you. the stupid things you do that make that person smile, but in a way that tells you that it was much dumber than you thought. the moments when your eyes lock onto theirs and your heart collapses because they weren't looking back. the way that hopeless feeling can overflow into every other moment of your day. it's a terrible experience.

i've had more crushes than anyone i've ever known. they're typically people i see around school, since i'm (unfortunately) spending most of my time there. and with this semester ending in a little while, i thought it'd be nice to do a bit of gardening. see, my crushes are a mixture of weeds and flowers. the weeds are the people who are only appealing in a really minor and unimportant way. like, they might know a lot about a topic. or they have an interesting hairstyle. or their syntax is completely unique and fascinating. but they're missing too much of the other stuff for me to really like them in that head over heels way. in the movie kissing jessica stein, jess says this perfectly.

i think that's been my big thing. not smart or not funny, or not smart and not funny. or smart, but funny in a totally unappealing way. you know? just like funny/ stupid, or funny/ dopey, but not funny/ witty or funny/ ironic or funny/ goofy, you know? or they seem smart, and then you realize that they aren't at all. and that's funny, but funny/ tragic.

i can relate to that. the flowers are the people who either have all of the things the weeds are missing (plus the things the weeds have) or they're intriguing. mysterious. maybe moths and dragonflies would is a better way to put this. either way, i've narrowed down the list to a few interesting people. no nicknames for these yet. just to make my life easier. (it's hard to come up with nicknames that fit. especially if one of the people is named nick. which i'm not saying is the case here. but i'm not saying it isn't. meh.) the order isn't important. meaning number one on this list may not be number one on my list.

# 1: this one is fun. he's taller than me and recently, whenever he sees me, knows i'll want a hug. so he gives me hugs. it's nice. he's also got a strange way of standing. and i always get the feeling, when he looks at me, that he's really engaged in the conversation. which is nice. he's definitely the mysterious one. i found out that he has six people in his family the other day. why does this matter? it really doesn't. but i think once conversations in school move from school topics to more personal topics, it's definitely a good thing. as opposed to, how are finals? "good. you?" decent. can't wait for classes to end. "yup. same here." ..... "....." well... "see ya." that would suck.

one day, i ran into him while i was trying to decide whether or not i should go to class. i told him, i'm trying to decide whether or not i should go to class. he said then i shouldn't go to class. (if only it was that simple.) and i said, where are you going? home, he replied. to play video games. i said he was lucky, and i was jealous. i'd rather play video games than go to class. and he said, then come to my house and play video games with me. of course i went to class after that. but now i can say things to him like when am i coming over? or you promised me video games. and other things. he's the youngest. (he is a freshman; i am a junior.) he's got a cheshire cat smile. the feeling i get from it lingers long after he's gone.

# 2: this one's weird, because he liked me first, and i rejected him. he was kind of weird. the bad kind of weird. and something happened overnight, or possibly over the summer, and he's different. i don't know how exactly. he looks the same. he has started dressing differently. but i don't think that's it. (i'm figuring this out. right now.) he's always had this habit of standing around, not saying anything, and watching me. it was weird before. now when he does it, it's... different.

damn. i'm usually better with words than this.

actually, i think i know what it is. he used to have this look on his face whenever i saw him, the look a cat gives you while you're scratching its back or after you've fed it. but i never did any of those things for him. now he just looks bored. not the bad kind of bored, which usually stems from disinterest, but the other kind of bored. the bored you get when you know something (or in this case, someone) so well that no matter what happens, you've got it all figured out. and he probably does. or maybe i've just gotten used to him looking out for me. like when he tells people i'm vegan before they offer me cookies, cake or pizza. or when he sees i'm unhappy at school and buys me candy to cheer me up. it's nice to know someone pays attention to you. but i rejected him for a good reason (i'm sure), and i'm stubborn, so i'll probably keep doing that. even if i do like him now.... anyway, he's the boniest. i'm actually trying really hard to not hug him.

# 3: this guy is super tall and lanky. he reminds me of shaggy from scooby doo, and not just because he's got the hippie vibe doing on. he's a grad student, and i was his first friend at this college. he plays the guitar and sings, and something about his voice is really raw when he sings. it feels like he's letting out more when he sings than when he speaks. i have his number, just never used it. mainly because he (probably) has a girlfriend. how could a guy like this not be taken already? i think he's delightful. i don't see him as much as i did last year, mainly because he's busy being an adult now. i think i just like being his friend, and i'd like things to stay like that. but that doesn't mean i'm not hypnotized by his long strides across campus, or down the stairs, or up the stairs. in fact, i think he'd be a great friend to have around for a long time. not intensely close, but close enough. he's the oldest. (not reallly old, but older.)

i think three is enough. i mean, there's a literal forest of weeds, and for me to go through all of those would be insane. there are a few other flowers, but none of them have bloomed like these have. regardless of whether or not these crushes turn into something bigger than crushes, i'll be listening to of montreal and dancing around happily in my room. it's the possibility of something more that excites me. the actual thought of a relationship scares me into submission. and crushes don't usually make you sad, unless you make the mistake of confessing that you like them and they reject you. or if you tell your friends about them and word spreads around (as it tends to), and they avoid you forever.

if i end up singing eros' entropic tundra or something equally unhappy, then one of the above happened. or i lied, and i did want these crushes to be something more. fortunately, these are just the top three out of i-don't-know-how-many-people-i-actually-like. and that's just from school. can you imagine how long this post would be if i counted all the other people i know?

i could cover a wall in my room with the names of all the crushes i've got right now. or at least half a wall.

honestly.