c'mon, mood, shift. shift back to good again.

last night, i went to sleep. more accurately, i fell asleep. i had no intention of doing so. it simply happened. i woke up two and a half hours later, at approximately... one in the morning. and i've been up ever since. i'm not sure why i slept so little or why i'm not tired, but nothing else today has made sense, so this is really the least of my worries.

yesterday, i told puck he owes me for helping him with his paper. he said he agreed, one hundred percent. (if you didn't know, it's one of my favorite percentages.) but then he said it depended on the grade he got on his paper. 

what if you get an A? i've learned not to expect that. okay, what if you get a B? that's an okay grade, probably the best i would've gotten in his class anyway. so if you get a B or above, what do i win? what's a good prize? [let me just pause here to say that esmeralda said i should've said "a kiss" or something equally... whatever the appropriate adjective is for a line like that.] i don't know, but a hug is a good start. and if you get a C or lower, then i owe you one.

so naturally, today, i was eager to see what grade we got. (yes, we because i wrote about three sentences in that paper.) before i saw him, unfortunately, i ran into my friend's "boyfriend". [please note: i didn't know they were even dating officially.]

brief background: my friend (or whatever she is to me now) likes this guy (her supposed "boyfriend"). until today, the story she's been telling me is that they aren't in a relationship, but they have lots of crazy sex together and hang out every once in a while. ("six hours," she once whispered to me, eyes lit. "eww," was my response.) apparently, neither of them wanted to be in a relationship, and he wasn't her boyfriend, and she wasn't his girlfriend, and dammit, they were still going to have sex and just enjoy whatever the fuck happened. i repeatedly told her, that guy offends me. i can't stand him. he pisses me off. he reminds me of my mother. but if you like him, i'll tolerate him for you. he's a total dickwad. a few weeks ago, she and i were talking about his feelings for her, and she told me, "why don't you ask him? but don't say i said to." these were her words. texts are irrefutable evidence. i asked him. he responded as all dickwads do-- in highly irritating sentences. so i ended our convo. since then, i've only spoken to him to say, hello or whatever else seems to be polite at the moment. yesterday, when i was talking to her, she referred to him as "not really her boyfriend" so everything following this is truly confusing. 

just try to bear with me

i made the mistake of being polite when i saw this dude today. i said hi. then this guy starts asking me if i'm mad at him, do i hate him, sometimes i say hi, but i don't talk to him. i say, i'm just being polite. don't read too much into it. then he goes off into this spiel about how he knows i've been saying horrible things about him behind his back, and how he'd really appreciate it if i stopped talking to his "girlfriend" (the first time i heard him actually say this) about him. i said, what did i say exactly? he said i called him weird. (for fuck's sake, i call everything weird.) i said, where's your proof? he said she showed him a text i sent her on saturday, while they were hanging out. i said, oh? and he said, well no, not really, he just happened to see it. and then later, after some severe interrogation, he returned to his original story, which was that she showed it to him. but aside from that, he said, i was saying a lot about him to her. this is where i kind of lost it, and literally called him every horrible name i could fit in to an otherwise clean conversation. here's a sample:

i think, being myself, i reserve the right to call you whatever the fuck i want to call you, whenever the fuck i want to, to whoever the fuck i want to talk to. so if i want to call you an asshat, i'll call you a fucking asshat. if i want to call you a motherless cuntlapping cocksucker, i'll call you a motherless cuntlapping cocksucker. i'm entitled to my own opinion, you dumb shit. 

something like that. (forgive my language.) then he started asking me more shit. then i saw puck. can you say emotional confusion? irritation, because of this guy. but a sort of nervous happiness because of the beautiful boy walking down the hall. fortunately, this assface i'm talking to says, oh there goes my girlfriend, you should go ask her whatever blahblahblah. 

so i turn to puck as he's passing and i ask him what we (yes, it's still we) got on the paper. he looks at the paper and this really slow, adorable smile crosses his face. his eyebrows rise, his eyes light up. he looks at me. A-. of course i'm totally excited because this means i get... whatever my prize turns out to be. i can't wait until you help me with all my other papers, he says. i laugh. yeah right. then i see my friend and, typical me, i tell him i'll see him later and give him a quick hug before i confront this chick. 

biggest mistake i made all day. besides saying hi to dickface.

i'm talking to her, asking her why she'd repeatedly tell her so called "boyfriend" (which i seriously didn't know until wayy after this conversation was over) that i didn't like him. she said she never did that. and then she changed her tune. "there was only that one text..." i'm in the middle of telling her that he said she always tells him, when he calls her on the phone. tells her where he is. i walk with her. i figure we should all stand around and get it all out there. clear the air so to speak. she has something else in mind. "can you give us some time alone?" okay, i say. i wait five, ten, fifteen minutes. they talk in the middle of the parking lot. somewhere during the conversation, they just hug. i can't see much, because my glasses are broken, but i can see that they're definitely hugging. and they intend to hug for a while. so i leave. i just walk away.

later, she sends me angry texts. "i hope you're happy now. i'm a total mess. we broke up. it's all your fault." and so on. i explain to her (in a shockingly logical manner) that even if i don't like him, that has nothing to do with their relationship. (because i'd been saying that for weeks anyway.) of course, she continues to hound me with a barrage of texts. (about six hours worth, but who's counting?) finally, i just tell her i'm impressed/disgusted by the fact that she's so determined to blame me. 

i'm still not entirely sure how it's my fault. (it doesn't seem like it, from my point of view.)

also, when i saw puck again later, like i told him i would, i was too busy being agitated over the accusations to actually get my hug and/or engage in one of our delicious conversations. one of my friends is trying to calm me down, and i don't think puck should see me in this state. so i don't say anything to him. he lingers, a slight distance away, talking to a companion of his while i talk to mine. then as he's leaving, i see a person walking with him for a few seconds. (probably like thirty seconds.) my friend, who sucks at calming me down, turns and says, "is that the guy you like? who's that girl with him?" this is basically when i lost my mind.

oh, and i still don't have new glasses.

i'm not even like, sad or something, just irritated. like, who was that girl? why is my friend so stupid? when did this stupid girl and boy start going out officially? last night? i don't understand any of this. maybe it's the sleep deprivation talking, but if he/she says anything to me tomorrow, i'm very likely to punch him/her in the face. and i don't want to see puck. well, i do , but i can't. i need to just tell him we should get lunch, and then get lunch with him. i suppose. i don't know.

the only one i really care about is puck. out of all of this messy stuff. i just want to get my special hug, for the A-. and the rest of my prize. i earned it fair and square. so i deserve it. and i'll be damned if i let this other bullshit get in the way again.

i'm enough of an obstacle in this whole puck/missinsanity thing.  i don't need more poop on my sidewalk.

honestly.