oscillate wildly. (or, how to stay in bed.)

i understand orbit. the way it always looks like something is going away but then it returns. that's me and my bed. i kid you not. i woke up (after my typical four hours of sleep) with the morning's sunshine in my face. something about the brightness didn't seem right to me, though. so i pulled my blanket over my head. i talked to myself about going to school. thirty minutes later, i rolled over, moved the blanket from over my head.

yes! i thought. i can do this!

i reached off of the bed, grabbed my sister's laptop and pulled it under the blanket. watched a really old series called the quest about a man trying to get himself some raisins. he starts off in his bed too but by the end he's on the roof. when it finally ended, i rolled over, moved the blanket from over my head. told myself i had things to do.

no time to play around, kiddo. at least take a shower.

i can do that, i acquiesced. my brain wants me to shower? i can shower. in the shower, it felt like every weight in the world was on my shoulders. bad posture is especially noticeable when you're bathing. i caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. winked and smiled. here we go! 

back to bed. under the blanket. sent a few miscellaneous messages to people. threw up in my mouth a little when i thought about going to school. (no really, i did.) read part of a book. i've been awake for all of three hours and fifty-five minutes, and i can't leave my bed for more than thirty minutes at a time. obviously, school is not an option today. is it the sunlight? maybe. is it the cat glaring at me? i don't know. is it an existential crisis? hopefully not. it's probably all the thinking i'm doing. i over-think everything. also, i hate my school and the people there and most of my life in general. that's probably why i can't get out of bed.

so now it's more like my brain is saying, alright, fuck it. 

what's wrong with me?

from here on out, it's just me, my books, and my rubik's cube. this is my plan for the day. to fail at productivity.

honestly.