don't worry. be happy.

j told me to forget about everything that happened and get on with my life or just forget about red completely.

well, of course i can't do that. so i went with the first option.

then he told me to add red on facebook-- which was kinda weird for me, because i'm never on it-- and i did. not that it does anything for me, because as everyone knows, going through someone's pictures means you might find a picture of that person with another person and start thinking things that are better left ....unthought. (that's not a word. but it should be.) BUT WHATEVER. i took his advice. and then i was at school yesterday and i was on my way to my next class and red popped up in front of me (he was entering the building; i was leaving) and opened his arms. i was like, oh, i get hugs now? aww yeahhh. and there i was, hugging him. inhaling. exhaling. and then i was like, i have to get to class. are you still gonna be here? of course you are! don't go anywhere. and then after class, he was there. it was great.

the only hard part is when i'm talking to someone else and he's nearby but not near me and talking to some girl who's obviously hotter than me. and she's like, sitting with her cigarette, leaning casually across from him. the thing that makes all of that better? i still got to spend time with him. and i made a new friend who adopted me as his "daughter"-- which i'm okay with, 'cause he's pretty freaking cool-- and said i had a cool voice. that was like, after i sang while i was playing red's guitar. and i drew a picture for him. he was like, i'm putting this inside my laptop so whenever i open it, i'll be like, hell yeah. the red rocket. which put me in this groovy mood for the rest of the day. i skipped home from the bus stop. that was like, thirty minutes. it was amazing.

also, isn't it weird when people mistake lack of self-esteem for humility? like, my new "father"-- or whatever the hell i'm supposed to call him. "dad", maybe?-- said that i was overly humble. (he said i was good with singing and playing the guitar. i said i wasn't.) but i'm really not. i just have no self esteem. i mean, i have self esteem. because everyone does to some extent. but it's too low to actually matter. i just think it's weird that people think i can play the guitar or piano or sing and personally, i think most of the things i play are complete shit. except for nocturne in e major by chopin. i can play that. that's one of my favorite songs. so that's that. speaking of favorite songs, he's leaning so real by (the great and powerful) jeff buckley. for me. words cannot describe how happy i am about that.

anyway, before j told me to forget all that shit from the day before yesterday, i binged. yes, i did binge. and i was halfway through purging when my mom got home. so i did this thing i do, where i throw up a little bit at a time until it's all out. and when i woke up yesterday i hadn't gained any weight. last night, was different though. i actually ate. not like a binge, but eating. and i gained a pound. so that wasn't the best thing in the world.

but i can live with it, since i have class with red today. j says (a lot of things, apparently) that personally, he likes happy, cheerful people. and that seeing a smiling face in the morning is a great way to start the day. and that i should just be my "naturally peachy self" because then i'd have no reason to worry. naturally peachy? okay. haha, but i can do this! i mean going to school with a smile on my face so red and i can pretend i'm normal for a day.

yesterday, i was talking about how sometimes people can't follow my trains of thought and i asked him if i was even semi-coherent. he said sometimes. so i have to stop being awkward i guess. or i have to try to recover some of that sanity i'm NOT famous for. i mean, why would he give his number to someone he couldn't understand? but don't worry, guys.

i'm working on it.

honestly.