and the day is mine.

okay, so i said the title of my next post would be his band's name. red.

but really, if i hadn't said that, this would probably be called something like, FUCK THIS. AGAIN.


quickly, because i have horrible things to do to myself. and because i'm losing the last bits of sanity i've been clinging to for dear life. SO. i don't know if you read that letter i wrote to my ex-crush. but that guy? tino? WHAT A FUCKING DOUCHEBAG.  i swear. he said he "didn't like me that way." okay, i can get over that. i mean, i was am the size of a hippo. but SERIOUSLY? if you say you still want to be friends, then maybe RESPOND TO A TEXT EVERY ONCE IN A FUCKING WHILE, YOU DUMB SHIT. i tried being nice, like, three times. i said, "hey, what's going on?" he didn't want to respond, i got the message. SO DON'T COME UP TO ME AND SAY HEY WHAT'S GOING ON WITH SOME CHIC ON YOUR ARM. don't. even. fucking. DO THAT. so i pushed him aside, really and didn't say anything. then i felt like a bitch and said hi to him. THEN I REGRETTED THAT TOO, because i shouldn't have! and TO THINK i was going to apologize to him for... only GOD KNOWS WHAT.

AND THAT WAS JUST THE ICING ON THE DAMN CAKE.  i mean it.

the cake? oh, this is the good stuff. school was SO GOOD. for the first class, i got to sit next to red again, he kept making jokes during class, i stole his sunglasses again. BUT WHAT THE FUCK. i turn my back for five minutes and i see him with that girl! that bitch! the girl from last year! let's call her the devil because she is. so the devil is walking next to red and he's laughing at something she said. she's not even REMOTELY funny. AND I COULDN'T EVEN TALK TO HIM. i couldn't even look at her. me and her? we have a class together. my last class of the day. PURE. TORTURE. i swear, i just spent the last twenty minutes walking home talking to myself OUT LOUD. and by out loud i mean LOUDLY with amazingly intense hand gesticulations! my neighbors probably think i'm INSANE. but i am. and this was just pure shit.

and banana probably knows about them IF THERE'S SOMETHING GOING ON. WHICH THERE BETTER NOT BE. YOU DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND. the crush she stole last year i told BOTH OF THEM that i liked him. and you know what the devil said? she TORE HIM A NEW ONE. i mean, if i hadn't liked that guy as much as i thought i did (or did, i guess) i would've been so turned off by everything she said. and then two weeks later, he's helping her learn how to play the guitar and asking me where she is? i mean, COME ON. and to do it again!? WHAT THE FUCK. she'd better leave him alone.

AND THIS BITCH HAS A BOYFRIEND?! WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT IS SHE DOING?!

you know what? if there is something going on, then fine. i mean, what can i do? fuck it. and if the girl was tino was his girlfriend, then fine. he's a piece of shit anyway. fuck that too. because i'm finally starting to accept that my life is shit. and that if i have good days in a row, then all that means is that the next day is going to cripple me.

on a positive note, i have TRANSCENDED sadomasochism. i am beyond your average masochist and well past the group they call sadists. you see, i can do it involuntarily now. i can try to have a good day and still fuck it up completely. i can try to do nice things for myself and then find out i've actually ruined my life.

ruined.

my.

life.

and you know what else? i'm beyond it because i have NOW taken everything i HATE in life and put it in one place. it's called school. and i go there. OF MY OWN FREE WILL. and that's not all, folks! i also PAY FOR THE OPPORTUNITY TO MEET PEOPLE WHO WILL RUIN MY LIFE.

oh, DAMN. i just love school. SO MUCH.

and while i was mad, i was ranting to myself IN THE BATHROOM about how i should just fast until i wither away into nothingness and a toilet flushed and i was like, what the fuck someone is in here. i left so fast you have no idea. but i mean, my voice is very unique. i just hope it was someone i don't know. because I CAN'T TAKE MUCH MORE OF THIS.

anyway, now i'm going to either:

a) continue fasting by overdosing on something that will knock me out and keep me asleep until tomorrow morning, or

b) binge and then purge until i hate myself even more.

i don't know yet. ana won't shut the fuck up. she's saying that my life is already shit and then to binge and purge will just make me feel worse and i'll be doing to it myself and i shouldn't eat. and i'm like, bitch, i don't give a damn. but she won't shut up.

the day is not, was never, and never will be mine.

honestly.