stop trying.

there's this girl i know. i'm not sure if i like her or not. she's pretty bitchy sometimes. but i do think she's pretty cool. anyway, today i ran into her and she arched her eyebrows and looked at me with disapproval. i guess i told her what i wanted to look like when school started. i'm not there. she shook her head as she pointed at my stomach, my legs, my arms. she reminded me of what my goal was, why i kept working so hard. she watched me slip on a pair of jeans. she sighed and shook her head again.

you didn't do it, she said. you had a goal in mind and you didn't do it. 


i tried to explain, make excuses, stammer an apology. she wouldn't listen.

your problem is that you keep trying. stop trying and do. trying means that you keep attempting and never succeed. i'm tired of your bullshit, now get over yourself and your so-called obstacles. do what you said you would. now stop fucking around and get serious.


i haven't gotten down to one-seventeen. the scale has been dancing between one-nineteen and one-twenty three for the past few days. i can't stand it. i'm going to fast starting next week. for as long as i can. i fixed my schedule so i'm in class when my friends have lunch, and when i have a break i'm going to read, study, draw-- just anything i can that doesn't involve food. tomorrow, i have classes from eleven to six, and about two hours of commuting.

i can do this.

i have to.

honestly.