enchantment.

there are six things that have really pissed me off this month. (it's only like, the third day! what the hell.)

number six--

my mother. i don't even need to go into detail with this. we're just opposites. completely. she was on the phone the other day and said that you can't have a relationship without love. i didn't voice my opinion, but i silently disagreed. of course you can have a relationship without love.

it's called a bad relationship.

it's called our relationship, mother.

speaking of relationships, she went on a date tonight. she has a boyfriend. uhm, i have never had a boyfriend. hell, even my cat is getting more action than me! some calico across the street has been sniffing around here a lot. and my cat is neutered.

am i missing something?

number five--

the fact that ninety percent of the people who know me can't spell-- or pronounce-- my name properly. my own aunt says my name wrong, and she's family. my name is kind of special to me. my dad named me. it makes me happy to know my mom had nothing to do with it. so people need to get it right or not say it at all.

tonight, my friend mike and i were hanging out on some steps. one of his buddies came along and said hey, what's going on, asked me what my name was. i told him. and he still got it wrong. are people retarded? it's not even a hard name.

number four--

this sudden obsession everyone has with my sneakers being ripped. so i actually use my sneakers for traveling and not for fashion. sue me. i don't need new sneakers yet. they haven't fallen apart. i can still wear them, right? they're on my feet. who gives a damn? the people who matter don't care and the people who care can go fuck themselves.

number three--

my best friend's girlfriend. come ON j. break up with her already. (i'm using names a lot tonight. i don't even care.) she's a total hypocrite and she's ruined his night... every night this week! which is horrible, because he doesn't deserve that. and yet it's good, because we talk more. but then it's bad again, because he gets very sadfaced when she ruins his day and he stops talking to me to go to sleep.

mainly, i just hate the fact that she exists. she takes him for granted. he loves her and she loves that she has this sick power over him. she can make him happy and she can rip it away from him. it makes me think of a time i shared a towel with my sister on the beach. when it was wrapped around us, i was happy and enjoying myself. then she ripped it away when we were passing a group of boys. i haven't been to the beach since then.

TALK ABOUT DEEP SEEDED PERSONAL INSECURITIES.

i told him if she cheats on him, i'm punching her in the face. he said it sounded like a sweet deal.

number two--

school starts in five days. i don't even want to be there. this could come out sounding a number of ways, so i'm sorry if it sounds arrogant in any of them. people seem to think i'm cool. for what reason, i don't know. i try to keep my distance, but they flock to me like bees to honey. do you even know what kind of torture it is when you want to be alone and you have a group of five (or more) people around you simply because they love being near you? it's annoying as hell.

and my mother won't shut up about it. i swear, some days i think she only sends me to school so i can graduate and make money.

actually, that's a definite fact. it's all she talks about.

number one--

i'm so ridiculously fat. it's like a state of being. it might have been a bad idea to rip my carpet out, because now i have this amazing tile floor that's just PERFECT for weighing myself accurately on. so i put my scale in my room. i sleep with it across the room from me. i weigh myself whenever i feel like it.

which is a lot, if you haven't figured that out by now.

the only thing that makes me feel slightly better is that i went to the movies with one of my old friends and we were chatting. and i really don't know where it came from, but he said, "you're not fat." i think it's while we were sharing fries. he was actually the only person for months to notice that i wasn't eating, and every time we would hang out, he would make sure we had time to buy something and would try to get me to eat. whatever the reason, it made me feel better. probably because i had the worst crush on him for five years. the last two of those were spent trying to figure out why he liked my friend and not me. conclusion: she was skinny. ironically, the boy she had a crush on wouldn't go out with her because he thought she was too skinny. weird.

anyway, i don't want to go to school with my semi-ripped sneakers every morning so i can have people pronounce-- and spell-- my name wrong while i'm trying to not think about my best friend's girlfriend, then come home to deal with my mother (who apparently has a better love life than me) and stress over my outrageous body fat percentage.

but damn, that school gym is worth suffering through all of it.

honestly.