enough is enough.

no more procrastination.

i know. it sounds crazy, coming from me. gasp. go ahead. but i keep finding excuses to not do things. things like...

homework, for one. that's kind of important. especially in this one class where there's no midterm. i should probably am totally going to do those assignments.

practice my singing more. also kind of important, since my vocal teacher can tell i'm lying about practicing at home. well, i wouldn't say lying. when i say i practiced, i mean i was going to practice and something else came up. but it's the thought that counts, so i did practice in a way. ya know?

exercise more. i have a friend who's in a few of my classes and i told her tomorrow the two of us are going to work out. for thirty minutes before class. and then i might work out after class, just to get some extra time in. on the treadmill. i've been procrastinating on that one since school started. it's really quite shameful. now that it's raining more, i can't run at night like i want to. (like i've been procrastinating with as well.)

eat less crap food. i already don't eat much, but today something really clicked in my head. see, earlier i was hungry. it was lunchtime and my stomach growled. that's not easy to play off, especially in a group. so i asked my friend (the same one i just mentioned) to walk with me. i bought fries. i'm cheap, yes, so i didn't want to buy anything that actually cost a real amount of money. (chinese stores are the best, when you need cheap fries.) i told her i didn't want to go inside the school when we got back even though it was raining. i have issues with eating around/ in front of people now. i feel self-conscious. so i went inside with her. no sense in acting weirder than i already am. i was nibbling at my food, slowly, when this fat girl popped up.

"do you need help with that?" she asked as she dropped herself into the seat closest to me.

it's like, one fucking meal, dammit. like, i can be normal about eating one freaking order of fries for once, right? i wanted to feel like when i was younger, and i could buy food, sit down and eat it and be okay with it. i already felt like shit while i was attempting to eat because it seemed like every single girl that passed was super skinny and i felt like a whale. so i said no a bit sharper than i meant to. then i felt bad and said i was joking.

"i just want one," she said. but when she reached in, she pulled out three. i guess she said some and not one, i thought. bad communication. maybe i wasn't listening. but seriously. it didn't end with one. i mean, i was still nibbling one fry and she was just eating devouring inhaling destroying all of them. and i could hear her chewing and ugh, it was just awful. my stomach turned. and i was a little pissed. i mean, i did pay for it. right? like, can i eat some of the fries i bought for myself? apparently not. i ended up not eating any more. i gave 'em away. had a cup of tea instead. it made me feel so sick, in fact, that i ended up taking my emergency laxative in school.  but i learned my lesson.

sitting next to her, listening to her eat (because i couldn't even bring myself to look at her), i realized the problem. i keep making excuses for myself. which is just making this procrastination worse. so i'm going to work harder. the funny thing is that one of my crushes actually works in the school cafeteria. (crushes, as in i never have only one at a time. more like six or seven. or thirteen.) whenever i see him, he's pushing a cart of food in front of him. gross food but still food. i'm torn between avoiding him and just being around him. i'll figure something out.

anyway, that's how it is. no more procrastination. it's ruining my life. the only thing i should probably procrastinate with is taking laxatives. can you be addicted to these things? because just taking one can make me feel better. it's weird, right? i know. :(

THAT BEING SAID, i had a wonderful day today. green eyes (not that you'd remember him, with his smoldering eyes and disturbingly sexy smile) and red (who is still super happy that i came to his party and won't shut up about it which is kinda cute) are proving to be really good friends. friends that, for some reason, enjoy talking to me. which just goes to show, just because a guy has a girlfriend, it doesn't mean they'll be with them forever. that's not where i meant to go with that. but it works anyway.

okay. now off to do my homework. and take one last laxative, just for good luck.

i can do it.

it sounds terrible, but, that's honestly how it is.

maybe with a little self control, i can get a little self esteem.
i could probably use some of that.

my cellphone background. good thing i don't let people look at it.

now, whenever i feel hungry, i can just check with my cellphone and see if it approves.

i've already got a feeling about what it's going to say, though.

alright. my procrastination officially ends now.

honestly.

p.s. i love you all. :) i'm still reading your blogs even if i'm not commenting all the time. EVEN IF DOING THAT MADE ME LATE FOR MY CLASS TODAY. you know how it is. <3