overdue.

yikes. meant to do this yesterday.

so i didn't go see my grandmother, but i did go to the other party where i saw my lovely sister. it turned out only the salad and rice were vegan and my mother was like, "it's rude to come to a party and not eat anything after they cooked so much." so i had some salad and some rice. while my sister and i were making the salad, the lady whose house we were at looked at the two of us and said, "it's amazing that i don't usually see her eat and yet she's still so big." and i was smiling and laughing because what does she know, right? i said it's because my sister always ate real food while i opted for the sweeter side of the supermarket. then my sister and i were talking about ourselves and i mentioned that i wish i had her legs. and she goes, "why, what's wrong with yours?" i couldn't explain it to her. then after we both finished eating, we were sitting on a bed watching heroes (which i've never seen in my life, but it looks interesting). and like, her collarbones... amazing.

dammit.

anyway, i saw her again today. we both got kindle fires. christmas gifts. lovely.

the overdue part, actually, is my current weight which is one hundred and twenty eight pounds. it didn't seem all that big until i spent time with my sister who's like ninety eight pounds. and then it was like, oh. yeah. i'm still fat.

SO... MOVING ON TO A HAPPIER TOPIC.

my friend (who ends up being bitchy from time to time, although i'll never tell her that because i'd feel like one too) decided to make me her nutritionist. the irony is killing me. i don't eat healthy, but apparently i know more about losing weight than she does. so we're going to hold each other accountable. i told her to start using a food journal. i said we'll officially start on the first day of the new year. so we're fitness and food journal buddies. and i told her that my amazingly skinny sister and i basically have the same bone structure, i just eat worse (this line works for me; i use it often) so i won't have to explain to her why i'm suddenly one hundred pounds later on.

and i'm on treadmill mania right now. even my mother is tired of hearing about it.

IF I HAD THE TREADMILL, I'D STOP TALKING ABOUT IT SO MUCH.

some lady said she wondered why i didn't look more like my sister. (to be honest, that party sucked BALLS and if my sister hadn't been there, i would've left. WHY THE HELL WERE ALL THESE FAT PEOPLE ASKING ME WHY I WASN'T SKINNY LIKE HER!?) i told her i'm working on it.

seriously, though. i'm working on it.

i'm tired of being the big sister. i'm supposed to be the little sister.

i'll get there, sooner or later.

honestly.

i hate children.

just kidding. i actually kinda like the little brats.

BUT GAWD. I FEEL LIKE SUCH A WEIRDO.

WARNING: levels of honesty about to enter "seriously awkward".


[insert button smashing]

damn my little cousin. she's so fucking adorable. and her legs are so tiny. yes. this is what it's come to. a five year old as thinspiration. [more button smashing] she's always skipping around me. seriously, she's the cutest thing ever. she's adopted and she knows it. but honestly, she acts like her parents adopted her, but i've always been part of her family. whenever she sees me, her eyes light up and she gives me a hug. which is fine.

EXCEPT FOR TODAY, WHEN ALL THE LITTLE KIDS WHO WERE AROUND STARTED HUGGING ME TOO.

of course, i didn't eat until i got home about two hours ago, and i didn't eat all day. but still. either i've totally lost my mind, or i'm becoming jealous of little children. so many tiny arms and legs.

*sobs*

they were just everywhere. like the plague. they wouldn't go away. i had to hide in a bathroom for fifteen minutes. it was torture. WHY DO THEY LOVE ME SO MUCH. i'm so grotesquely fat. this other girl, about fourteen, she's amazingly skinny. (i've mentioned her before, the bitch from august. we're on better terms now.) but you know what's odd... these kids don't like super skinny. they like women with a little meat on their bones. for taking naps on thighs and bouncing on legs while killing time. BUT I HATE IT. it's horrible.

but they're so cute. <3 fuckin' children. that doesn't stop that skinny girl from playing with them. and still, they gravitate toward me. i pretend to beat them up, i push them to the ground, (don't call the police, nobody ever gets hurt) and they still run up to me with their sparkling eyes and rosy cheeks. ugh. even this little girl i just met today kept following me around for hugs. EVEN AFTER I PUSHED HER AWAY AND SAID "WHO ARE YOU!!?!" damn children. i totally caved after a while, though. (she was so adorable. i felt so guilty.)

speaking of guilt, way to get people gifts, missinsanity. people don't ever buy me presents. not even my parents, really. aunts, uncles, friends-- it's a rare event. it's because i always give off the impression that i don't need anything to live off of. who needs gifts when you have a guitar, a notebook and a pencil? WELL I DO. so anyway, i bought one of my oldest friends another giants hoodie. (GO GIANTS <3) he didn't think i would really get it, but when i did, he was like, "oh... damn. you always get me stuff. i have to get you something really nice now." which is cool and everything, but what the fuck, man!? it was his idea to exchange gifts. (i would've gotten it regardless.) and he wasn't the only one. now i think people are going to buy me gifts just because i got them gifts. which is totally annoying.

i mean, yes, i'd love presents. but i want them to be purchased because people were thinking about me. not because i fucking got you something. DON'T BUY ME SHIT BECAUSE I BOUGHT YOU SHIT BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT YOU. BUY ME SHIT BECAUSE YOU CARE ABOUT ME YOU FUCKED UP BASTARDS.

okay. glad i got that out.

now. getting back to today. until i got home, i only drank water and one fourth of a diet dr. pepper. so total calories were like, nothin'. THEN I GOT HOME AND OMG FEWD.

fortunately, i'd place total calories consumed around... eight hundred. IT COULD BE WORSE. (if i keep telling myself that, maybe i'll start to believe it.)

cheers for still having laxatives left over from months ago. more cheers for my mother saying the treadmill will be here by wednesday or thursday. and finally, cheers for christmas presents i'll be receiving based on guilt.

guilt. number one motivator since FOREVER.

surprisingly, i might not eat tomorrow. christmas party hopping= no time for munching.

now i'm off to write "treadmill" all over my notes. i'm totally in love with it. <3

and i haven't even seen it yet.

*sigh*

can't wait for christmas to end.

honestly.

any day now, i'll be thin.

the world's gone mad. or at least i have.

before we get to that, here's the plan.

my mother's staying home sometime before new year's, at which point, she will pick up the treadmill. it's been a long time coming, in my opinion. hopefully, i actually get it this time. seriously. so then, after i get the treadmill, BEFORE new year's day (remember that, it's important), i spend some time with it. figure out how i'll fit it into my schedule. because on new year's day, i start the abc. brilliant, really, because 50 days into the new year will be two days before my birthday. hopefully i can do like, one hour on the treadmill in the morning and one hour on the treadmill at night. (inspired by my wonderfully thin aunt who's probably against sending my grandmother to costa rica.)

and of course i'll stick to it, because that's my birthday present to myself.

i told my mom she didn't need to get me anything for christmas because i only wanted a treadmill. and this morning i made her breakfast. just being nice to make sure she'll go through with it.

i managed to cancel the shindig at my place, thankfully. i don't want to have people eating in my house when i'm trying not to.

and now for the main part.

yesterday, all i had was tea until about 8pm. but oh, the hash browny goodness. i think i drooled on myself when i smelled them. (not really.) and then it happened. so yeah. it was like...

to add insult to injury, i asked my mom how many hash browns she wanted this morning for breakfast and she said one. MY MOTHER HAS BETTER SELF CONTROL THAN ME. [insert button smashing here, with a hint of self-directed anger.] that's shameful.

that being said, i can't wait until i get that treadmill.

.....

any day now.

oh yeah. and i was watching "superskinny me" which, to be completely honest, went completely against the purpose of the film. if anything, it got me excited. very excited. man, when i saw louise on the treadmill and then slipping into those size double zero jeans. i was like, awww yeah. burning calories. of course, when i saw kate.....well, it wasn't as inspiring. not in the same way. just goes to show you, if you stick to it, you'll see progress. seriously, though, it was a five week experiment (or something like that.) and louise was amazing.

but yeahhh, that's not what it was for. whatever. i still like it.

now i think i'm going to.... go back to sleep. i feel all yawny and stuffs.

honestly.

the pied piper is not cool.

i used to think the pied piper was the coolest fictional character ever. i mean, what's cooler than a guy with a pipe saving an entire town from villainous rats?

UNTIL I FOUND OUT HE TOOK A BUNCH OF KIDS INTO A CAVE.

so there goes that.

yesterday, i totally passed my final. i'm very happy about that. and then red and i (he's in that class, which made it really fun) we had a chat. turns out we both didn't register for classes yet, so we'll probably end up in the same classes again next semester. which is awesome because he's a great study buddy. (you never study, you just end up laughing a lot.) and he said if he has another party over the break, he'll let me know. which is great because his girlfriend (soon to be ex-girlfriend, muahahahahahaha) made it totally weird. the bear wouldn't come because he lives all the way out in the middle of nowhere. and the pirate said we have to hang out over the break too. but she lives all the way out in the middle of nowhere too. well, we'll see what happens.

i'll tell you how much i weigh on sunday, by the way.

speaking of sunday, it's going to be super busy. my aunts are shipping my grandmother back to costa rica. i think it's horrible. they're total witches sometimes. so they're having a farewell party for her. completely evil. i hate it. might not go. but then, i want to see my grandma. then two of my friends are leaving for college in alabama in january, so i said we could all have a great lunch kind of thing at my house. and it's too late to cancel. on the bright side, since it's my house, i can say i don't feel like eating and hopefully be left alone. (then again, my house is messy as hell so i have to spend basically every day until then cleaning up.) then later, there's a christmas party at my sister's god-mother's house. which should be awesome, because at that house, they don't care if i eat or drink. they're totally chill.

only two months left until my birthday. yay. hopefully i'll get to go somewhere... like spirit lake, iowa or something. i don't know. i just want to get out of my house for my birthday. bad things happen when i stay home on my birthday.

now i have to get to school so i can return this library book. (before it closes and they charge me three million dollars.) and i have to get ready to teach an old friend of mine how to play the guitar a little.

omigosh. how could i forget. there's this girl at my college who is cooler than like, everyone. she's a drummer. she saw me play the bass guitar at the winter concert and then she was like, "you're always saying how cool i am, but check out how cool you are." and i was totally blushing. (don't laugh at me :p) IT'S LIKE IF ALBERT EINSTEIN CAME UP TO YOU AND SAID, "i'm not a genius, you're the genius."

mind.

blown.

and then she was like, see you next semester. and my eyes got all sparkly and whatnot. i'm not going to bore you with all the details of how cool i think she is. but she's pretty freaking cool. and she's skinny. she has the coolest sense of style. [insert button smashing here] SHE'S SO COOL. (way cooler than that pied piper. definitely.)

best part: she gave me a hug. :) I LOVE HUGS.

okay, i'm done. for now, at least.

honestly.

fascination.

the greatest update EVER. (prepare yourself.)

november:

after realizing i liked someone, who i shall refer to only as the bear, i started eating candy less. around the second week of the month, my mother was dropping a friend of mine home when she started talking about my eating habits (which to be fair, had "improved" by her standards). he laughed and said it was hard to believe that i ate so little and yet i was so "big". then he backpedaled and said, "not fat, really, just not tiny." it was uncomfortable. it was about then that i started eating less and more at the same time. like, i'd eat nothing one day and then stuff my face the next day. and since i found out the bear liked someone, i tried to keep my distance a little.

because, of course i'd rather have him happy and just like me as a friend than be unhappy and with me as something more than that. and of course i would say that and not believe it very much in my own heart.

spent a good deal of my time daydreaming and becoming real friends with the amazingly talented red. 


deleted all of my thinspo, though. that was stupid, i had a pretty decent collection.

december:

(fortunately only a handful of days passed by.)

happened to hear red on the phone with his friend, discussing the ins and outs of his current relationship. (break-up approaching in the near future.) the next day he gave me a cd of his band's music. did better in the classes i was doing poorly in, and worse in the classes i was doing well in. apparently, i can't balance. one or the other.

aside from that, nothing really happened. i did my best to not lose my mind and did a pretty good job of it until this past thursday? wednesday? something around there. and the concert this weekend was splendid. i got to hug the bear, although that was after he introduced the pirate to his 'rentals. (parents, if you're not familiar with that. and yes, he's the guy from the hallowe'en party.) and tomorrow, according to my impulsive nature, i'll either be telling him i like him after i fail my final (joking about that last bit,... hopefully) OR i'll be telling him nothing after i fail my final (seriously, though, i can't fail this final). i wrote a sappy 80's style love song about this whole affair, but of course, he'll never hear of it. unless things change.

and what about food? well, we're still terrible enemies, although closer than before.

and i've developed a deeper love for audrey hepburn. and still madly in love with french music.

i need to stop watching these hepburn movies and get to sleep, though.

i keep filling my head with these silly ideas about love and romance. i should stop doing that, or at least take a break, before i ruin the end of my year.

honestly.

p.s. i went to a restaurant last night with about 30 other people. a little going away feast for a friend, or so i was told. i had a shirley temple (extra virgin, according to the handsome waiter). amazingly i did not eat anything. not even the cherry on top. cheers. if only i could do that every day for the next three months.

i like to eat apples and bananas.

i love that song. it's so much fun.

so yeah, lesson learned. never eat like normal people just because they say things like, "why won't you eat?" it's not half as fun as they pretend it is. it's almost as if food is so depressing that everything else pales in comparison. (finals? didn't study? who cares, i ate breakfast this morning. that's something to worry about.) at least i've only gained like six pounds from giving in to peer pressure. it could be worse.

i've been spending a lot of time outdoors lately, to the point where i haven't had much time to eat. which is basically when i realized how much i missed not eating. (does that even make sense?) on the bright side, now everyone thinks i'm normal again. which is good. on the other hand, the year is almost over and i feel like a giant container of bleah.

yay for the school year finally being over (basically).

and can you believe i still haven't gotten that treadmill?! rawr.

now i'm going to go brush the dust off of my food diary and practice for this school concert that's happening tomorrow. gosh, can you imagine what it would look like if i had been writing in it?

so...i'm back. i missed it here. i had to keep myself really busy to stay away. at least i have darling friends who took care of me. but it's not the same. the world is quiet here.

really, nothing too out of the ordinary happened while i was away. except for me actually doing my homework and handing it in on time. it was weird.

i'll give you a proper update tomorrow. it's the least i can do after my disappearing act. x:

honestly.

blue always was my favorite color.

it's been a weird week.

i cried again. that's a bit unusual for me, because even when i want to cry, i can't cry unless i'm in a state of complete depression. unfortunately, i ended up crying in church, which wasn't so great. my mother, who i assume was worried about what people would think about me crying, told me that maybe i should "see a psychiatrist, because this depression is affecting everyone." i wasn't really sure what to say to that, so i didn't say anything.

and while i was crying, i noticed my nails were blue at the bottom. deep blue. and my hands were pale. i don't pay much attention to my nails, ever. i thought for a second, maybe i'm just imagining this. but i asked my little cousins (they're 6 and 7) and they both said my nails were blue. and that they didn't think that was normal. so i tried eating healthier. mainly because now my insomnia is unbearable, since i'm also too cold to fall asleep, even though i sleep beside the radiator.

on sunday, i tried being normal. i had breakfast, and then i started bleeding like crazy. (you know what i mean. down there.) one of my friends is studying to be a nutritionist, and i tried talking to him, because he always tells me that i can talk to him about anything. but he just strengthened my belief that people never actually mean it when they say that, unless they're going through-- or went through-- the same thing you are. i told him that i either drink too much water or not enough and that i either eat too much or not enough. i even showed him my nails. he took it as one of those things, laughed and told me to go eat something. well, gee, thanks.

on monday, i was at that friend's house, the one i've been hanging out with a lot, and my mom called to say she was locked out. so i borrowed her bike and pedaled home, which was about five miles. wednesday, i rode to school. it was almost nine miles. why? why would i leave home earlier, just so i could ride a bike to school? i'll tell you why. because i ate breakfast. isn't that normal? why, yes, it is. for a normal person.

anyway, to cut that part short, i'm probably going to start riding to school and back, just for the sake of burning calories from "eating healthy." (which really just means i have two meals a day where i eat at least fifty percent of each.) oh, and she totally gave me her bike and bike chain. which was sweet of her. so my week wasn't perfect until today, but i could more or less pretend i was okay. the good news is, i've actually been doing my homework, but only because otherwise i'd be riding a bicycle around my neighborhood until i collapsed from exhaustion.

and then today, while singing  per la gloria d'adorarvi, i realized that this guy i've been swearing i could never like, i actually do like. and i think i've been trying to convince myself that i liked all the other guys around him because i didn't want to like him. you know, people who protest too much and all that... but he likes that pirate girl from the hallowe'en party. yeah.

i don't know if it's just me, but i keep coming to these conclusions. like, it always seems like guys like the girl who's twenty pounds heavier than me, or the girl who's twenty pounds lighter than me, and never someone around whatever the hell i am. and then i'll think, maybe weight has nothing to do with it. so it's the hair. my hair's too short, or not short enough. am i too much of an individual?or not enough of one? should i be trashier? should i flirt more, maybe start wearing makeup like everyone else? nail polish? a good friend of mine told me that i have three looks: A, B, and C. he said that no matter what i wear, it always falls into one of those. maybe my mother was right when she said i'm too much of a tomboy. she's under the impression that i push all boys into the friend zone instantly, but i grew up thinking that the best kinds of relationships started as great friendships. i could be wrong. i don't know.

so today (honestly, just a few hours ago), i realized that i'm in a lot of really vicious cycles. cycle one is this: restrict, binge, laxative overdose. cycle two is this: fall for a guy, become happy based on non-existent/imagined bond forming between us, dress like a normal girl, realize that bond is non-existent/imagined, realize how much better everyone else is in comparison, wear potato-sack styled outfit to school, wonder why guys aren't interested, go through cycles of cycle one. cycle three is this: mania, cycle two, depression, cycle one. rinse, repeat. right now, i'm in cycle two. between "wear potato-sack styled outfit to school" and "wonder why guys aren't interested".

the guy i realized i like, i feel sorry for him. for both of us. i like him and he likes another girl, who likes another guy who's too stupid to notice that she likes him. and these are just the superficial issues i'm dealing with. superficial, yes, because my deeper issues i don't even want to deal with. the funny thing is, the girl is just like me, except she flirts with guys and she'll get in their cars and make out with them and she wears shorts and skirts and boots, and she's about twenty pounds heavier than me, and she-- oh. we're not the same at all.

well, whatever. i'm going to go get my potato-sack styled outfits together, convince myself to avoid this guy i have a crush on until he starts doing the same, and listen to blow, blow thou winter wind until i cry or fall asleep. the john rutter arrangement. it's worth a listen.

it's painfully lovely. and i think it's true.

most friendship is feigning, most loving mere folly.

honestly.

typical.

my life is so predictable. in the worst ways.

my friend keeps pushing back the time i'm supposed to come hang out with her at her college, so i said fuck it. in our friendship, she only has time to be a friend sometimes. unlike me, of course. if she needs to talk to me, i'm just sitting around with nothing to do, waiting to talk to her. obviously. but that's not even a real issue. i've completely given up on the two of us ever being real friends, so whatever.

i've been spending a lot of time hanging out with this one girl from school. we go to her house and we study or we talk about things. her family loves having me over. but every time i go to her house, i feel like i'm using her. to feel normal for a few hours. whenever i don't feel like going home, i just say, "hey, i'm coming to your house today." and she's like, "okay, cool." but it's not cool. so i'm going to cook dinner for her family on monday. just because they've been really nice to me. hopefully, i don't completely screw this up. knowing me, i'd accidentally poison all of them. (i'm joking. kind of. i wouldn't poison anyone intentionally.) she asked me if i wanted to sleep over this weekend. i said no, because i thought i'd be hanging out with my (aforementioned) friend. now my weekend is going to be shit.

yesterday started badly, got slightly better and then fell sharply. i had a small breakfast, and while i was eating, i asked the girl i ride to school with to bring my ipod charger. i lent her mine, since she doesn't have one. for some retarded reason, at 9.45 i told her i'd be out in two minutes and i didn't actually emerge from my house until fifteen minutes later. so i'm pretty sure i made her late for vocal lessons. (way to ruin someone else's day, right?) then i skipped my first two classes to help my friend with her project, which was filming some sort of video project something or another. i made a fool out of myself, and they're going to play it in class. brilliant. so i go to my next class, which is uneventful, but somehow still depressing. probably because of the midterm.
i leave my things with some of my classmates, i ask them to watch it. i go to the store to get a lollipop because i'm totally on the edge of depression and i'm trying to not go there. when i come back, my binder is on a chair behind everyone, they're not watching my stuff, and it looks like all my papers fell out and they didn't even bother to put them back in. so my mood is not getting better. i go to choir (or whatever it's called) and banana (if you remember her) is totally acting like i don't exist. which is her thing now. she ignores me. which is great because i thought we were friends. and when she isn't ignoring me, she's looking at me so i know she can see me, but she just doesn't give a shit. anyway, that kind of turned my sadness into something similar to annoyance, which cheered me up a bit. (if that makes any sense.)

then there was this halloween party at my school last night. green eyes and i ended up being the only two without costumes, so we stole a broom and dustpan and went as janitors. lame, yeah, i know. this girl, who we'll just call the pirate, decided to drink vodka. she's a paperweight. she was completely drunk and she drank like, nothing. so green eyes and i ended up watching her, which was great. no, actually, it wasn't. nothing makes you depressed like seeing a bunch of people having fun without you. even drunk and making a fool out of herself, the pirate had all these guys constantly around her. and green eyes was dancing with this girl who was dressed up as tinker bell. i was dancing... by myself. on the edge of the group. then i had to take the pirate off the dance floor because too many people were trying to get down her pants. i ended up not enjoying myself for the rest of the night, staying late to make sure the drunk girl could get somewhere safely and then leaving with green eyes who dropped me off at the bus stop. at midnight. he told me all about how yet another guy in our class likes the pirate and how he didn't think tinker bell should be going out with the guy who dressed up as peter pan. (which sounded a lot like, "i like her even though i have a girlfriend.")
i called my mother to tell her i was on my way home, she said she would come pick me up from the bus stop. thirty minutes later, she drives past me. and it wasn't like it was dark or anything, plus i was the only person standing at the bus stop. that's when i had this crazy little thing i call a mental breakdown. so i'm basically crying at a bus stop because i hate my life. i'm shivering because the temperature dropped and i was totally not dressed for that shit. and my mother comes back thirty minutes later because she realizes she passed me.

so that was a good day. aside from realizing that i'm the quintessential bro-friend (despite being a girl) and  concluding that i'm obviously hideous because no one likes me, it turns out that everyone either likes the girls who are twenty pounds heavier than me or twenty pounds lighter. i'm just in that awkward place. i don't know.

i'm such a fucking loser.

i'm just going to sit here, wallowing in a mixture of self-pity and self-hate.

i don't want to do anything.

if i get myself to take a shower today it'll be a miracle.

i hate my life.

honestly.

je suis condamnée a l'éclair, la foudre éphémère.

{i am condemned to flashes and brief lightning.}

i want to learn french so badly. i love the way it sounds. and i want to buy gum. a lot of gum.

my friend and i, we had a girl chat the other day on msn. (how often do i do that? hardly ever. women are more trouble than they're worth, especially when they think they know you better than you know yourself. but msn is kind of my thing, so why not talk to her, right? i was already there. ....moving on.) we talked about thigh gaps. she sounded determined. now whenever i'm like,

omgg, i haven't done my stretches in like, a month! school screwed me overr i'm so freaking fat now. we should be exercise buddies again. <3 it'll be fun, we'll both be super thin and cute and stufffs :)


she's all like,

.... oh. yeah? that's cool. so anyway, should i eat milk and cookies or just cook a lot of pasta and eat it with this tuna i bought yesterday?


......you should probably eat the milk and cookies. (bitch.)


so, yeah. she's not really someone i talk to much these days. (she's a bit like a trigger. it's horrible, i know.) although i am (maybe) going to visit her next week at her college so we can hang out and go clubbing and act like we haven't changed since high school. she's always talking about how she has to go exercise, she needs to get on the treadmill, blah blah blahh. but you know what they say: you can hide the food but you can't hide the fat. (i'm not one to talk, i'm the size of a baby whale right now.) anyway, to cut this story short, she sent me a text. a few hours ago, i guess.

hey, do you know any sites with good beginner's yoga poses?


hmm. do i help someone i've known for almost six years lose weight, even if she can be a capricious bitch at times? or do i play stupid, lose more weight than her, and then act like i don't notice that she's larger than life itself?

i'm probably going to hell for this.

hmmm, no. actually, i wouldn't use sites. they don't show you how to do those poses right. you could hurt yourself.

translation.


hmm, no. actually, i do, but i won't tell you because i am really hoping you gain fifty pounds.

yes, i am in total bitch mode tonight. so your hair is thinning and you can't lose weight-- that's no reason to treat your friends like garbage and then try to get their help other times. so that's that. now that i think about it, i've been totally heartless lately. there's a lady at my mom's job who said she had a treadmill she would give us. but she uhm, injured herself (or something) trying to get the treadmill out of her basement (or something) to give to us on sunday. and she was in the hospital. my mom told me. my response was, "oh. so, we're not getting the treadmill this week then?" basically: 

YEAH, OKAY LADY. YOU WENT TO THE HOSPITAL. SUCK IT UP. I NEED A TREADMILL. 

isn't that terrible? i do feel sorry for her. she's out now. which is good. and i'd love to get the treadmill tomorrow, but my mother thinks we should give her time to recover fully. (this lady used to change her dog's diapers. are you telling me she can't hold a door open so i can get a treadmill?) i'm getting antsy from all this waiting. 

i never noticed this when i was younger, but one of my aunts might have an eating disorder. even when i was younger, i don't remember seeing her eat much, and i used to stay at her house for days sometimes. what i do remember is seeing her on her treadmill. like clockwork, every morning and night. she was my favorite aunt growing up (and still is) because she's was skinny, unlike her sisters. my other aunts would be like, "stop being such a picky eater. food is meant to be shoveled into your mouth." and she would just say, "not hungry? want to drink something, then?" SHE IS SO COOL. you know, for someone who's actually related to me. and she's so freaking skinny.

HOW DID I NOT NOTICE THIS. 

she always used to pick me up when i was little and tell me how long and skinny my legs were. good times, those were. good times. actually, when i was little, i hated eating. and fat people, because my mean aunts were all fat. (that doesn't mean all my fat aunts were mean.) haha, my diary from when i was in first grade has a chart where i split the class into skinny and fat kids. incidentally, all the girls i thought were fat were never mentioned again, but all the skinny girls were my closest friends. hmm. this makes me wonder what kind of kid i really was now.

and the concert is in twenty one days. i've been hovering around one hundred and twenty two pounds ALL MONTH. do you think i could fast that long? holy shit, i don't want to be the fat girl at the concert. gotta stop making excuses for myself. (sad fact: started another food journal today. first entry = depression.)

there's a difference between interest and commitment.

when you're interested in doing something, you do it only when circumstance permits.

when you're committed to something, you accept no excuses, only results.

art turock.

(whoever that is. i really don't care, i just like this quote. unless it's someone really cool. in which case, awesome.)

i couldn't have said it any better.

i won't do anything i'll have to find an excuse for. no excuses. only results.

honestly.

you know what happens when you reach perfection? you die.

the lady in charge of the choir said that today. really got me excited for some reason. anyway. today was a good day.

first, i totally aced a presentation and didn't fail my mid-term. i literally studied for the mid-term ten minutes before i took it. thank goodness for that. then after i took the mid-term, i went upstairs and saw the food guy. the crush who pushes food around. today he only had toothpicks. i was so ecstatic. he let me take two. (i think i almost got a splinter on my tongue. that would not have been fun.) then blahblahblah, class, boring.

and then i ran into the friend of this guy i like who's in one of my classes. AND I HAVE THE PERFECT NAMES FOR THEM. okay, the guy i like, we'll call him business. because he's always serious. except for rare occasions when he lets himself relax around people. and his friend, we'll call accounting. because they're best friends. it's much better than the other option, i assure you. (death and taxes.) anyway, i didn't see business today. not that it would matter, because he never says anything anyway, and we usually just make faces at each other across the classroom. accounting, on the other hand, is the exact opposite. i spent a decent amount of time talking to him today, which is sad because i just met him and we're already better friends than business and i. anywho. he asked me what i thought about business while we were talking. kinda random, but whatever. i said i thought he was kind of weird. (i forgot that most people don't take weird as a compliment. but i do.) then, on another random topic change, accounting invited me to smoke pot with him sometime. i spent most of our conversation laughing. i was completely amused. it seemed like he was either trying to find out about me for business or he likes me himself. (EVEN IF NEITHER OF THOSE ARE TRUE, IT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER. FOR NOW. three cheers for being delusional! hip hip hooray...) they've both got their levels of attraction, to be fair. but business is way cuter. however, he's also wayy more uptight.

moving along. all the pretty, skinny girls i admire have accepted me into their circle. there's this one girl, she's so freaking pretty. she's twenty two. i swear, she looks eighteen. (barely.) we're friends now. apparently, i once ran into her and her boyfriend and told him he had a nice beard. she remembers me because of that. (lesson: compliments will come in handy... eventually.)

i didn't run on the treadmill today. but accounting totally got my attention and made me lose track of time, so i guess... i still don't have a good excuse. haha, but it's okay. between flirting with construction workers, flirting with the best friends of guys i like, flirting with guys who push food-related carts around and trying to not roundhouse kick a stupid arrogant bitch in her fat fucking face, i guess i really needed the break. (what? angry? me? about something? pfft. nah. what are you talking about?)

my thoughts are all over the place right now. but i know three things for sure. one, i definitely increased the number of scrunchies on my wrist from twenty two to twenty six. two, i'm probably going to end up smoking with accounting, if only because he intrigues me. and three, if i don't keep myself happy for at least the next week, i'm going to have a mental breakdown.

i probably shouldn't smoke with him, though. especially since he kind of gives off the i'm totally into you vibe. and since i get the munchies. and eat ketchup. (not happening again, i swear.) if anything happens, it'll happen next tuesday or thursday. he said he lives far, though. i guess we'll see. :)

oh, and this is totally unrelated, but i cracked a fortune cookie the other day and the fortune said:

fate happens now, you decide.

think the universe is trying to tell me something?

i think so.

at least, i'd like to think so.

honestly.

enough is enough.

no more procrastination.

i know. it sounds crazy, coming from me. gasp. go ahead. but i keep finding excuses to not do things. things like...

homework, for one. that's kind of important. especially in this one class where there's no midterm. i should probably am totally going to do those assignments.

practice my singing more. also kind of important, since my vocal teacher can tell i'm lying about practicing at home. well, i wouldn't say lying. when i say i practiced, i mean i was going to practice and something else came up. but it's the thought that counts, so i did practice in a way. ya know?

exercise more. i have a friend who's in a few of my classes and i told her tomorrow the two of us are going to work out. for thirty minutes before class. and then i might work out after class, just to get some extra time in. on the treadmill. i've been procrastinating on that one since school started. it's really quite shameful. now that it's raining more, i can't run at night like i want to. (like i've been procrastinating with as well.)

eat less crap food. i already don't eat much, but today something really clicked in my head. see, earlier i was hungry. it was lunchtime and my stomach growled. that's not easy to play off, especially in a group. so i asked my friend (the same one i just mentioned) to walk with me. i bought fries. i'm cheap, yes, so i didn't want to buy anything that actually cost a real amount of money. (chinese stores are the best, when you need cheap fries.) i told her i didn't want to go inside the school when we got back even though it was raining. i have issues with eating around/ in front of people now. i feel self-conscious. so i went inside with her. no sense in acting weirder than i already am. i was nibbling at my food, slowly, when this fat girl popped up.

"do you need help with that?" she asked as she dropped herself into the seat closest to me.

it's like, one fucking meal, dammit. like, i can be normal about eating one freaking order of fries for once, right? i wanted to feel like when i was younger, and i could buy food, sit down and eat it and be okay with it. i already felt like shit while i was attempting to eat because it seemed like every single girl that passed was super skinny and i felt like a whale. so i said no a bit sharper than i meant to. then i felt bad and said i was joking.

"i just want one," she said. but when she reached in, she pulled out three. i guess she said some and not one, i thought. bad communication. maybe i wasn't listening. but seriously. it didn't end with one. i mean, i was still nibbling one fry and she was just eating devouring inhaling destroying all of them. and i could hear her chewing and ugh, it was just awful. my stomach turned. and i was a little pissed. i mean, i did pay for it. right? like, can i eat some of the fries i bought for myself? apparently not. i ended up not eating any more. i gave 'em away. had a cup of tea instead. it made me feel so sick, in fact, that i ended up taking my emergency laxative in school.  but i learned my lesson.

sitting next to her, listening to her eat (because i couldn't even bring myself to look at her), i realized the problem. i keep making excuses for myself. which is just making this procrastination worse. so i'm going to work harder. the funny thing is that one of my crushes actually works in the school cafeteria. (crushes, as in i never have only one at a time. more like six or seven. or thirteen.) whenever i see him, he's pushing a cart of food in front of him. gross food but still food. i'm torn between avoiding him and just being around him. i'll figure something out.

anyway, that's how it is. no more procrastination. it's ruining my life. the only thing i should probably procrastinate with is taking laxatives. can you be addicted to these things? because just taking one can make me feel better. it's weird, right? i know. :(

THAT BEING SAID, i had a wonderful day today. green eyes (not that you'd remember him, with his smoldering eyes and disturbingly sexy smile) and red (who is still super happy that i came to his party and won't shut up about it which is kinda cute) are proving to be really good friends. friends that, for some reason, enjoy talking to me. which just goes to show, just because a guy has a girlfriend, it doesn't mean they'll be with them forever. that's not where i meant to go with that. but it works anyway.

okay. now off to do my homework. and take one last laxative, just for good luck.

i can do it.

it sounds terrible, but, that's honestly how it is.

maybe with a little self control, i can get a little self esteem.
i could probably use some of that.

my cellphone background. good thing i don't let people look at it.

now, whenever i feel hungry, i can just check with my cellphone and see if it approves.

i've already got a feeling about what it's going to say, though.

alright. my procrastination officially ends now.

honestly.

p.s. i love you all. :) i'm still reading your blogs even if i'm not commenting all the time. EVEN IF DOING THAT MADE ME LATE FOR MY CLASS TODAY. you know how it is. <3

feeling for bones.

the winds have changed. (... maybe.)

my luck is improving. (... perhaps.)

i haven't gained anything. (... for now.)

it's a bit hard to stay positive with all those little whispers trailing behind my thoughts. but for the most part, i think all of those are true. i've been trying to get a treadmill in this house for years. and finally, finally, it looks like something's going to work out. one of my mom's coworkers has a treadmill for us. (... supposedly.) 


i thought i was going to visit a dear friend of mine next year so we could spend our birthdays together. but it looks like he'd rather work and earn money than spend time with me. spending time with me, i guess, would ultimately be a waste of time. compared to other things he could be doing. really, though. anyone would rather make money than hang around doing "nothing really" for a week. (... obviously.) 


my mother almost restocked the fridge.i went with her and made sure i stocked up on as many fruits as i could. of course, that didn't stop her from putting a couple of unwanted things in the cart. she was paying, i couldn't stop her. now if i binge, it'll be healthy. like that makes a difference. at least i didn't binge yesterday. (... surprisingly.)


i thought one of my best friends was angry with me. turns out i was wrong. i'm glad for that, he's one of few people i can really talk to about anything. i thought another one of my best friends was my workout buddy. i thought we both had goals we wanted to reach and we would support each other. i guess since i'm actually losing weight and she isn't, she doesn't want to talk about it anymore. whatever "it" is. at least when we hang out in two weeks i'll be skinnier than when she last saw me. i guess morrissey was right when he said we hate it when our friends become successful. (... sadly.)


i think i figured out what i miss about high school. i could buy like, ten dollars worth of candy and blow through it in six hours, come home and not gain weight for days in a row. but that's probably because i'd just burn off all the sugar by moving for six hours straight. anyway, i think i'm liquid fasting today. and tomorrow. for as long as i can. mainly because i kinda finished a whole pack of forty eight laxatives between saturday and last night, and i have to go to school today. fingers crossed, though, that i... uhm, got everything out. but i probably didn't. (... unfortunately.)


it seems like there's a lot of sadness blowing around. if you're sad because the trees are dying, don't worry, they'll grow back in the spring. and don't feel like you're not worth anything, because people who aren't worth anything are like, child molesters and pedophiles. and unless you're one of those, then you're just a victim of circumstance. and things change. i mean, life is like a rollercoaster. sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down. usually you're stuck in an endless circle of nausea. ....i forget where i was going with that.

anyway, cheer up. all of you. and go have a lollipop. you've earned it.

(... honestly.)

air is air and blood is blood and no matter what you eat for dinner, it all ends up as shit.

do you know how many laxatives i bought?

one hundred and ninety two. four packs of forty eight. pretty good deal.

anywho, it's been a weird week. as in less normal than usual, which for me means i'm not entirely sure what happened. i vaguely remember books, fire, disturbingly chewy tic tacs, and flirting with a construction worker. but i can definitely highlight a few things.

like thursday. i haven't smoked cigarettes in a few months and i did on thursday. my friend (the same one i was with on sunday) said she didn't know i smoked. i said only on occasion, and when i do, i smoke a lot. she laughed and said, "binge, purge." i said she had no idea. red invited us to his party, where he was stoned, wasted, and out of his mind. got to meet his girlfriend. she was just lovely. although, i'm not entirely sure how they ended up together. (small victory: i'm skinnier and less awkward than her. but so were most of the girls at the party.) it got boring pretty fast, though. came home almost three in the morning and my mother never asked where i was. i think she's given up on me. finally.

i've also decided to never smoke pot again. on thursday, after a bit of smoking, we went to a diner.

it was terrible.

i think i ate a bottle of ketchup. no, you didn't read that wrong. and possibly two plates of fries. and i went to visit my only fan yesterday--the one i ran into in august who's the coolest cat in town-- with a friend of mine. he gave me a hug and then played the guitar. good times. except for the part where my friend was hungry every five minutes. that wasn't as much fun. in fact, that wasn't fun at all.

on the bright side, i still have one hundred and sixty two laxatives left. and i'm definitely going to that concert.

i feel a bit melancholic after this week. maybe it was the rain. or the gray skies that refused to allow sunlight.

i've got my fingers crossed for next week, though. october's completely breaking my heart.

honestly.

promises like pie crust.

yesterday, i hung out with another female without becoming homicidal. that's a good sign. at the beginning of this year, i promised myself i'd try to have more female friends, but i just ended up with more guys as friends. (i promise myself a lot of things. i'm still waiting for a peter pan plush.) but this girl, i think we could actually become good friends. maybe it's because we talked about things that were interesting.

we talked about socially awkward people in our school.

it's like, i feel bad for not wanting to be around him, so i try to spend more time with him. but then i just end up liking him even less. then i'm overly nice to make up for it.

we talked about our siblings.

if i  had money and she needed some, i'd help her out, ya know? but what do i get? nothing. family, huh?

we talked about classes. 

i love that it's always the same faces in my classes. it feels more close knit that way. and i swear, some days i'm so tired and i just feed off of your energy. how do you do it?

we talked about one of her patients.

she's fucking crazy, i swear. she's like, sitting on the bed, screaming that we're making her obese and  crying for laxatives. her legs are like, the size of my arm. i don't even know how she has so much energy.

up until that part, i had been smiling and laughing. but that was everything but funny. it was really weird, because before i met up with her, i went to the drugstore to buy some laxatives but it was closed. so instead i went to the grocery store and bought two gallons of water, which i'm still drinking. i was listening to her, but at the same time i was thinking to myself, i am really screwed up. seriously. if i could describe the little voice inside my head, i'd probably say she's fucking crazy. she's screaming that i'm making her obese and crying for laxatives and diuretics. i don't even know how she has so much energy. 

it was the most uncomfortable conversation of i've had this month. and i've been having some pretty strange talks lately. but then the topic changed to boys and i loosened up again. i told her about red. she said she completely understood. but then we had to split because she had to go to work and i needed to go home. 

basically, this is how my life has been until this point.

saturday-- hmm, maybe i should do my homework now while i'm thinking about it.

nah, i'll just pratice the guitar until my fingers and joints are aching.

sunday-- i have like, nothing to do... maybe i should do my homework now and get it over with.

or i could pratice the guitar some more, since i can still feel my fingers somewhat.

monday-- WHY HAVEN'T I DONE MY HOMEWORK YET.

that being said, i'm probably going out again today for laxatives.

yes, i am insane. but i think this is the first time i've ever felt bad about it.

honestly.

talk about unproductive.

well.

i'm glad that's over with.

that whole 'cycle of depression' was starting to get to me. i guess i just needed to get away from it all. whatever that means. you already know what happens when you binge for days in a row, you can imagine how disgusted i was with myself when i stepped on the scale. but i'll be alright. for now, anyway. for me to say i did nothing but binge this week would be beyond inaccurate. i have been practicing the guitar so much. i think my fingers are dead. but that's okay. because i can play garota de ipanema now, which is like, one of the classiest songs ever.

i pretty much spent this week fiddling with the emotions of one of my classmates. it wasn't until he invited me to get drinks that i realized i should probably stop. but now i'm completely sure he likes me and i can easily avoid him whenever i have to. (he's not a bad guy, i'm just shallow.) plus i think i ate so much that i completely dispelled all of my mother's suspicions. so there's a positive to everything. this week wasn't a total loss.

you know what cheered me up?

it was the most beautiful thing i ever saw in my life.

the 'skank'. (apparently it's some sort of dance. people don't do it in public very often. for good reason.)

but it was beautiful. my friend did it. i'm laughing so hard while i'm typing this, it's really quite sad. but i am in love with this dance. if more people danced like that, i'd never be sad again in my life. (there are tears of joy falling down my face. you have no idea.)

anyway, next week. i have to demolish the numbers on the scale one by one until i'm back to where i started. and next friday, i have to visit my only fan. maybe play a song for him. probably manhattan. (think ella fitzgerald.) since i don't have many fans, i have to hold on to the ones-- i mean, one-- i do have. and i have to finish reading some books. and make up some homework. a lot of homework, actually. and practice some songs. and catch up on blogs. and....there's a lot on this list, apparently.

damn.

what have i been doing all week?

good thing i have monday off.

honestly.

the fine art of making it out alive.

i'm confused.

i'm in a stupor.

i went for a run last night, to clear my mind. i hear running does that to you. my mother objected to it; she said it was too late outside for that. i went anyway. when i got home, chest pounding, my breath coming out in gasps, sweat trickling down the sides of my face, she was ready for me.

"you're so out of control these days."
"yeah, mom? since when. six years?" i asked her because that's when i started noticing the distance between us, something normal mothers and daughters don't have.
"no." she responded quickly, as if she had been waiting a long time to say it. "we always knew you'd be trouble. since you were eight."

we? who do you mean by 'we,' mother dearest? she can't mean papa, i tell myself. papa and i were the best of friends. she's a liar, i decide. then i go to bed.

my dreams were haunted by ghosts. when i woke up in the morning, i was curled in a ball and shivering. chilled to the bone. the icy grip of my nightmare wouldn't let go of me. the feeling followed me to school. i walked around, not completely there. some people noticed. they tried to cheer me up. nothing worked. then suddenly, red was in front of me. tea with honey in one hand, a cigarette in the other. he tried to give me a hug. i backpedaled, fearing human contact. he started talking to me, as if unaware that i'm wasn't responding. he made jokes, he talked about his life, his job, his weekend. he has a cold and it's chilly, i notice. he's standing outside to cheer me up. i felt myself smiling. i pulled it back quickly. then there it was again, a smile on my face. where did it come from, i wonder? how did he know where it was? when he couldn't take the cold anymore, he opened his arms again. "hug?" he asked carefully. i gave him a quick one, then we went our separate ways.

it was as if all the kindness in the world was in that hug. it warmed me up. i noticed it first by the spring in my step. then i noticed i was happier because i was checking out random guys on campus. i couldn't let this good deed go unrewarded. i found him as soon as i could and gave him the biggest hug i could manage. i smiled into his shoulder. "thanks for cheering me up," i mumbled into his jacket.

i had never loved him more than i did right then.

if only the mood swings had just stopped there. my day would have been perfect. but life isn't fair. and i haven't felt like being strong lately. i've just been weak. (food? oh hell yeah, just shove that crap down my throat.) my insignificance is overwhelming. i actually wrote that on something in my school. i hope no one finds it. not that it matters if they did or not. my name isn't on it. i'm covering mirrors, i avoid the scale, i wear my baggiest clothes to school.

i'm so cold. and i've eaten too much. and i need to stay happy. i'm trying so hard.

i've been holding on to that hug all day.

i love you all, too. i read your comments and i just felt worse (i'm sorry) because i didn't deserve it. i don't. and you're still  so kind. i'm trying to stay happy, though, i swear. i'm just so ashamed of myself. but i'm trying. i hope that's good enough for now.

honestly.

a lot of parents will do anything for their children except let them be themselves.

i want to puke.

these friends of my mother's, they think i don't eat. i eat. i just don't eat as much as they do. fat asses. so we went to this event of some sort-- i don't even know what to call it, a celebration kind of thing?-- and they're serving lunch.

"did you eat?" is all anyone can ask me, apparently. 


"she never eats these days," my mom sighs, as if that was the hidden part of the question.


"i eat." that's me, attempting to defend myself. staring at food and counting the calories. a girl sits nearby with a plate full of macaroni and cheese. i'm calculating the servings. how much she's eating is suddenly very important to me. i'm focused so hard on it that when someone pops up in front of me to ask me a question, i jump. "four hundred eighty." my eyes flash from the person back to the plate.


a girl i know. sucking her teeth, she's quick to catch on. "oh gosh. don't tell me you're still doing that." i read all sorts of messages into that. what she meant to say was, why don't you just quit, it obviously isn't making any difference. what she meant to say was, you'll never be as skinny as me. what she meant to say was, you're so fucking weird. 


a boy is next to her. i didn't notice him. "doing what?"


her eyes are always big. they remind me of the girl from a little princess, although i'd never admit that to her. they're really lovely, except for times like now, when she's rolling them in disgust. "counting calories." 


as if that isn't how weight watchers makes so much money. as if that isn't why they make calorie counting books. as if that were a bad thing. i just smile, airily, in a slight daze of sorts. i fought myself to stay happy. i wasn't about to have her ruin it. i decide i'll eat, just to prove to them that i do. to show them that i'm as normal as the next person. 


but now my plate is piled too high. or maybe it's as much as a normal person would eat. i'm unsure. the servings are all wrong. something's been done to the vegetables, my pieces of cauliflower. they're tinged yellow and i'm not particularly excited about eating them. the rice is brown and dry. there's some sort of vegetarian meat product separating the vegetables and the rice.  there are bits of red pepper sprinkled carefully throughout the entire dish. i hear them whispering about me. i'm not even that skinny yet and they're already giving me hell. i take the first bite.


god, how i regret it. it's never just one fucking bite. because if people were satisfied with seeing you have a bite, you wouldn't have to hide. my stomach hurts. eating hurts. psychosomatic? most likely. but it still hurts. i drank so much prune juice i feel nauseous. i miss my ex-lax. i want to cry, punch my inner thighs. they're still sore from the unicycling. i can feel my muscles aching where the seat pressed into them. i want to go outside and run. but it's raining lightly. but it's midnight. there are too many excuses for my mother to lock me indoors. i already know i won't be pleased with the scale tomorrow. i feel like not getting on it. but i already know that tomorrow morning, i'll get off the floor-- yes, i will sleep on the floor tonight because beds are for people who deserve comfort-- and i'll step on the scale and hate myself completely.

i'll hate myself and i'll write lengthy letters to myself in metaphor. and i'll cry if it rains because the world doesn't need to be punished because of my failure. and i'll cry if it's sunny because i don't deserve that kind of beauty.

this lady had a huge discussion today about suicide, and how it doesn't make sense for people to commit suicide over such small things. and i wanted to defend those poor people, but i couldn't. (it isn't small to them. to them, problems are massive and there's nothing they can do.) that would cause more unease than my irregular eating habits. she ended up telling a couple of teenagers (including me and her big eyed daughter) that we should be careful what we say and do because we don't know how it affects people.

a few hours later, as i'm on my way home, she calls out, "bye ugly." as i walk past her car.

i try to laugh it off. i try so hard. "what? who do you think you're talking to?" i giggle, pained, as i shuffle over to her car window.

"you, ugly." she repeats, something similar to a smile creeping across her face. but it couldn't be a smile. because smiles make people happy, and she ruined my day. so i went to the car. i went home. now here i am, fatter than ever, with no one to blame but myself. as if i needed to prove anything to anyone. complete failure on the first day. i don't even want to imagine how many calories were on that plate. they were way over five hundred. i don't know when, how or if i'm getting to sleep tonight. i just hope tomorrow is better.

this is not how i planned to start october.

honestly.

ouch. ouch. ouch.

ouch.

i just practiced unicycling for two hours. can anyone say bruises? maybe. i don't bruise easily, but my thighs are extremely sore and lately my skin's just been slicing itself open. i mean that, too. i haven't cut in months. random cuts, all over. maybe i'm scratching in my sleep. but i don't know.

i owe you a story, the one i promised i'd give earlier. about why i have commitment issues. i wasn't in a relationship or anything, haha. i was just being... well, myself. but come on, what girl hasn't liked a guy and found out he has a girlfriend but still felt some serious chemistry going on? don't leave me hanging here. but then, i've got that whole free love mindset, so i'm not really into relationships anyway. which, i guess, is why i'm not in one. haha. i don't make sense, even to myself. ah well.

i just got a very excited text from one of my favorite friends about a concert happening HERE in november by one of our favorite bands. the band that actually made us friends. (whatevs.) anyway, i'm really going to do my best to be at the very most one hundred pounds then. in november, on the nineteenth (maybe). i was thinking tss, but then i just binged on vegetables. (healthy, but bad idea.) then i was thinking abc, since if i started tomorrow, day 31 would be halloween, which would be PERFECT, because it's got a lovely eight hundred calorie limit that day which is just enough for me to enjoy a pack of skittles. but it's also fifty days, and that would make the last day-- the last fast day--the day of the concert (maybe). then i was thinking sgd, but it looks like the kind of diet where you'd have more of a chance of success if you started day one on a monday. and then there's like giovanni's but for the life of me, i can't see why anyone in their right mind would want to drink two tablespoons of olive oil. so that's not even an option.

so i figured i'd flip a coin or something. but then i thought, duh, screw the fast day on the last day of the abc. it's perfect. and plus, Sam Lupin is like, amazingly inspirational. so there. that's it.

and ouch, it took forever to type this because my fingers are sore from pushing off of walls to retain my balance on a one wheeled instrument of death. but it burns way more calories than attempting to ride a bike with flat tires, or using roller skates that barely fit six years ago. so yeah. bruises, sore thighs, slight inability to blog about it-- totally worth it.

thanks, sam. and all of you, for putting up with my insanity. i'm going to go massage these tired muscles, look for odd jobs so i can go to this concert, and read books. lots of books.

speaking of books.... i forgot to do my homework again.

i knew i left something off that to do list.

honestly.

smells like teen spirit.

now i know why i have commitment issues. i think people are too quick to jump into relationships sometimes. and then you can't just break up with someone when something better comes along (unless you're a heartless jerkface). it's a long story. well, no it isn't. but i'll save it for another time.

yesterday was wonderful. i got back on the horse. the crazy one without reins that just gallops wherever it wants to. i kept saying things to people like, "the media monkeys and their junky junkies will invite you to the plastic pantomime. throw their invites away." actually, that's from flight of the conchords. but i said things that were really similar to that, i swear. made less sense when i said it, though. so yeah. whenever i'm on this horse, i do things i wouldn't normally. sometimes my skin gets really hot. lots of adrenaline. pure madness. hard as shit to talk to people, though. i mean, it's not like here, where i'm typing and you're reading. my words come out too fast and i'm speaking in metaphor. as opposed to when the horse throws me to the ground and i can't talk to anyone without self-analyzing every word i said. i feel like i was going to say something. uhmmm....

here it is :) i think i'm addicted to water. which is a really weird thing to be addicted to, and i'm not entirely sure when it happened. but whenever i have this metallic kind of taste in my mouth (like right now), i go drink water. and not like, eight fluid ounces or anything. more like thirty four. or sixty eight. yesterday, i drank seventeen ounces before class, thirty four in class, and then another seventeen when class ended. and each time it only took about twenty seconds. if even that much. (the guy next to me was counting. he thought i was some sort of paragon.)

anyway, that's my new thing. i drink water like it's going out of style. and i met this girl who lives in my neighborhood-- she's in my class and lives DOWN THE STREET-- and she said she's addicted to caffeine, and i was like, oh. that's cool. i've also become obsessed with reading labels. just as a pastime. i read labels of foods other people are eating. not too obviously, of course. and i always notice when people are eating now. like, i walked into my first class yesterday and it seemed like half the class was eating. maybe because they were. i was really focused on what they were doing. i feel like such a weirdo, haha. this girl had like this pasta kind of thing for breakfast (obviously, it was morning), and then she pulled out a bottle of water and put it on her desk. and i stared at the water. waiting for her to drink it. she didn't. i was so disappointed.

and math. i've been doing a lot of mental math. and math in class. i don't even have math this year. that reminds me, i have some conversions to look up. and this book came in the mail yesterday. well, two. second star to the right by deborah hautzig (which everyone quotes, so dammit, i'm just gonna read it) and manic, which is by terri cheney who has bipolar disorder. and i think i'm going to reread hurry down sunshine by michael greenberg. his daughter has bipolar disorder. i met him. pretty interesting fellow.

the only problem with this horse is that i can't control it. i'd rather control it than have it control me. (isn't that how we all are?) i can tell when it's going to throw me off, though. everything seems to happen faster. everything is more exciting. and there's this strange tension at the edges of my mind. by then it's only a few hours-- if even that much-- before i'm feeling low again. i like being on the horse though. i can't remember the last time i just felt normal. at least when i'm on the horse, my energy is contagious.

someone once told me i'm like a snort of cocaine.

that's a good thing, in my opinion. it's probably better if people are addicted to me instead, right? haha, forget i said that. i'm going to go do things now. write out my to-do list, so i don't get distracted. sixty eight fluid ounces for breakfast, sixty eight for lunch, sixty eight for dinner, and sixty eight for everything in between. sounds like a lot, but it isn't.

okay, i've got a lot of cleaning to do now. i think i feel bouncy today. like a beach ball in water. or is that buoyant? dunno. doesn't matter. hope you have a nice day too. :)

honestly.

a fond farewell.

i had my last meal this morning. last night, it took me a while to swallow my food. i was sitting, chewing, and i needed to talk. but i couldn't swallow. it was very uncomfortable. but i couldn't just sit with food in my mouth. so i ate. it was weird. it took more self control to eat than not to. so that's it then. i had breakfast with my mom. a bit of oatmeal. about half a cup. with banana sliced in.

the only thing i'll be having from this point on is water.

which isn't to say i won't eat again at some point. but not for the next few weeks. my friend told me his girlfriend gained 'a little weight'. of course, if it was just 'a little weight' he wouldn't have noticed it. and especially not in her face. (i think that's like one of the last places weight goes. at least for me. i don't know.) anyway, for some reason, that makes me even more determined to not eat. i'm not overly fond of her. (i may have mentioned this on several occasions.) 

i think i'm done procrastinating. for now. my schedule is going to be pretty packed today. i've got to run into people, stay away from people, start homework and finish homework. and i've got new music to listen to. l'amour by carla bruni. (i want to learn french so badly.) and now i've got to walk the dog and get ready to go to hell. i mean, school.

college. the best way to increase my blood pressure.

i mean, seriously, could the mirrors in the bathroom GET any bigger?

honestly.

shatter the looking glass.

this theory intrigues me. so much. it's a three part theory.

part one. we imagine how we appear to others.


let's say you've grown up with the same family friends for years. practically your entire life. let's say your friend's mother took to calling you "ugly" as a nickname, not too long after you started junior high. she calls you "ugly" so much that you begin to believe that you are in fact ugly. you imagine you appear ugly to everyone.

part two. we imagine the judgement others may make based on that appearance.


now you know you're ugly. what is it about you that's ugly, though? she never said, she just said you were ugly. maybe it's your hair. so you cut your hair one night, when your self hate has made it impossible for you to sit still. she still calls you ugly. it must be something else then. is it because you wear glasses? maybe. you try contacts. she laughs at you. still calls you ugly. you go through everything you can think of. what could it be? you're ugly, but her daughter isn't... oh. of course. you must be fat. her daughter is twig skinny, although shapeless, virtually hairless, and with discolorations all over her skin. never mind that some people think you're pretty, that you have wonderfully soft hair and great skin for a teenager. you're fat. you're ugly. and that's the first thing people notice about you, obviously.

part three. we develop ourselves through the judgement of others.


she still calls you ugly. you must still be fat. you decide to lose weight. someone else pinches your cheeks one day, tells you they're getting a little fat. you notice that word a lot now when people talk to you. or when people are talking around you. you become obsessed with watching how people eat. the difference between fat people and people who aren't fat. you need to lose weight. it becomes your main thought, all day. you can't even focus on other things anymore. you begin withdrawing into yourself. you still talk to people, but not about things that matter. not the way you used to. you hate yourself now, because people think something's wrong but nothing's wrong and everything's wrong. you can't explain it, it eats you from the inside out. no one notices that you've lost weight. you must still be fat. so you decide to keep losing weight. until you're not fat anymore. until you're so small that everyone notices and no one can say you're ugly.


at least, that's how it was is for me.

that being said, i broke my fast. yes, i could have continued. i wasn't hungry. but this one, i can forgive. one of my best friends is really depressed. his mom is just not taking care of him or herself or anything at all. they don't have water, they don't have food (which makes me wonder how they're even still in the house to begin with), and he hasn't been to school in a while. she even sold his t.v. so we ate something together. i didn't want him to feel ashamed. he's that kind of person that would be embarrassed by having someone get him something to eat. it's like, at least if i eat with him, he won't feel as bad. so we ate a little together. i'm glad at least i didn't binge, mostly because our conversation was too depressing for anything like that.

i'm not giving up on this though. and i'm NOT going to see the scale go up tomorrow. i'm disappointed, yes. but he's one of my closest friends, and i can't see him like this and not try to help. it's heartbreaking. if he hadn't told me, i wouldn't have guessed. if he wasn't so tough, he would have cried. i know i want to. for a lot of reasons.

it always rains the hardest on the people who deserve the sun.

honestly.

i want to walk in the snow and not soil its purity.

i was listening to 4 st 7 lb by manic street preachers all day yesterday. i loved that band for years and i never heard that song until a few days ago. terrible. and i'm going to listen to lots of nirvana today. i didn't wear the stockings, because i found these really blue ones in my room. so i wore those instead. i'll try to take a picture of them, as soon as i find my camera. :)

i made up this silly game yesterday, where every time i saw someone really thin, i'd drink seventeen ounces of water (takes twenty four point six seconds). i didn't think i would drink as much as i did. but when i got home last night, i was like, three pounds higher on the scale. (and i basically spent my breaks at school IN the bathroom.) it was torture. see, last time that happened, i broke and started eating. and i had basically no homework due today, which is even worse. too much free time. but thank goodness water fasting drains your energy. i totally fell asleep while reading a book. must've been mid sentence or something. it didn't help that this sad feeling kept creeping around me yesterday. at one point, it slipped inside my rib cage and sat in a really awkward position between my lungs. i felt like i couldn't breathe.

but i feel better now, because i haven't eaten and i'm finally down to one eighteen point two. (again.) but this time, i'm not going to screw it up and binge on vegetables. i'm going to keep fasting. day four of water fasting. yay :) i thought i knew how much i would weigh by day twenty one of this, but i can't be sure anymore. so i'm just going to keep my fingers crossed.

there's this girl i have class with. she's so tiny. she looks like a doll. she's really pretty. she's my in-school thinspo. (don't have much of that. most of the girls in my major are like, huge.) gosh, i hope someone says that about me one day. anyway, i'm really glad i stuck it out. i should definitely stop weighing myself as much as i do. that being said, i'm going to weigh myself again now before i get ready for school.

old habits die hard, you know.

honestly.

curiouser and curiouser.

i wonder how many people notice us, but we don't notice them because we are too busy noticing someone else who will never notice us.

if this is another one of those highs before a really serious low, i'm riding this manic horse into the ground.

anyway, good day today. didn't wear the stockings. forgot i had them in the wash, never dried 'em. but i will tomorrow. good thing i didn't today. yesterday, i didn't eat. today, i didn't eat. cheers! so almost two down and nineteen to go. really fun. if i ever i want to eat, i think i'll listen to hocus pocus by focus because something about it makes me think of hard exercsise. don't know why. but so far so good.

sometimes i'm really glad that my mood swings way up and i feel effervescent, but sometimes i think about it and i go, i must be mad. see, today i was in an amazing mood. and i still am, although i'm controlling it better. but when i'm in a super great mood, i tend to get a little.... oh, i dunno... reckless. i'll walk into the street, skipping and singing when a car is speeding towards me. among other things. and i just flirt with everyone. i mean, geez. that's not always a problem, yeah, but it's probably not such a good idea to smile at almost every guy i see. 


unless it's green eyes. (that's right, i have another crush. so sue me.) he's been in the background since school started. he was there when i faceplanted into a wall, and he was there for every moment when i tackled red. anyway, he smells good. it's really weird, but for most guys i like, the first thing i notice is that they smell really good. and green eyes smells amazing. i think i hugged him for about five minutes straight just so i could smell his shirt. am i creeping you out? i hope not. i'm just a bit weird, you'll have to forgive me. i was standing over green eyes, and-- i don't know if this is because i remembered it from skins-- i kept thinking to myself, look up if you like me. and then he did. and he tacked a smile on it for good measure. (i've never liked a trumpet player before. they're a strange group. i'm approaching with caution.) his eyes are really lovely. and he has a peculiar way of smiling. he smiled a lot today.

it was awesome.

but yeah. two days in. third day is really the problem. and the fifth and seventh. so once i make it past tomorrow, all that's left is thursday and saturday. and once i'm past saturday, i should be fine for the two weeks after that. i mean, my mother's started complaining about my eating habits, but only because OTHER people are asking her about my eating habits. and she wouldn't let me ruin her reputation as a good mother.

guess i'll be wearing lots of long skirts for a while. long skirts and baggy jeans and t shirts.

and purple zebra striped stockings. :)

now i've got to put my bookbag in the wash now. it smelled like a damp basement all day. i was so embarrassed. and i've got homework to do. hope your day was lovely too. <3

honestly.

when you feel sad, stop being sad and be awesome instead.

i have these stockings. i found them on clearance about two years ago. they're purple and zebra stiped. i like wearing them. maybe i'll wear them tomorrow. just thought i'd share that with you. :)

i've got vitamins this time around. last time i was water fasting, i wasn't taking any. so this time i will, so my iron levels don't drop really low. people don't usually see me eat at school, so i should be fine. i want to aim for a minimum of twenty one days. twenty one is like, one of my favorite numbers. maybe because that's the legal drinking age here.

speaking of drinking, some people shouldn't be allowed to drink. take my friend ricky, for example. he got completely drunk last night and told me some things i'm sure he'll regret when he wakes up. you know what's terrible? he said he thought i was really lovely and it was all very sweet of him, but he was drunk. it made me feel horrible last night. maybe it's a bit illogical, but i felt like if i was as lovely as he thought, he wouldn't have had to get drunk to say something like that. i mean, he wasn't drunk when he told his last two girlfriends he liked them. am i making sense? i hope so. he shouldn't be dorming. he should be at home, where his parents can keep an eye on him.

i wrote lots of letters yesterday. i think today i'm going to write letters to different animals. like birds. there's a family of nightingales that live near my house. i've seen generations of them. i even wrote a story about them. i learned how to chirp like a bird so i could call them and stuff. i just love animals. they're the best. they really know what love is. shame they can't talk, or they'd tell us we're doing it all wrong. oh, and i want to write one to a penguin. i love penguins. they're adorable. and a lioness. i love those too. haha, sorry.

i'm going to clean up, write, draw and read today. even though there's bound to be a lot of awkwardness later when ricky wakes up, i'm going to have a good day anyway. if everything else goes wrong, i can have a really good day as long as i don't eat. and i won't. i saw a butterfly yesterday and i thought, wow. they make it look so effortless. i mean, birds look like they have to put a bit of energy into it. butterflies seem to be drifting along, everywhere they go. i want to look like that too.

i feel fluffy today. i hope you feel fluffy too. :)

honestly.

if it is important to you, you will find a way. if it's not, you will find an excuse.

i don't know who i am anymore.

i look at myself and i think, who is this? this isn't who i am. and then i think, i'm somewhere under there. i just need to find myself. and then i'm lost. then sometimes i ask myself too many questions. and sometimes i don't question enough. sometimes i think too hard. sometimes i don't think at all. i wish there was a middle ground. it's uncomfortable to shift in between opposites so easily. 

but then, you already knew that.

before i go back to my melancholic state, i have to tell you all about this strange habit i've formed. lately, i find myself writing letters. short letters. long letters. letters that make no sense. letters written in numbers. letters to objects. letters to people i know. letters to people i wish i knew. letters to people i wish were dead. letters to people who are dead. letters to people who i wish i never met. letters to people i wish i could meet. letters to myself. i'm considering writing them all in a notebook. i had a notebook like that once, but it was for drawing. now it's corrupted with numbers and pictures of scales. i want this book of letters to be just a book of letters.

it's been a long day. i'm trying to get into the habit of going through a day without reflecting on faults of mine. no luck with that. today it was my ability to be extremely fickle. in high school, i was famous (at least among my friends, or whatever you'd call them) for liking several someones-- any-ones, no-ones, just people-- at the same time. in fact, even now the question they ask me isn't, "how's life treating you?" instead they ask, "so who do you like now?" and i guess i did this to myself. i sometimes get the feeling that if my parents hadn't kept me on such a short leash in high school, many of those crushes wouldn't have stopped there. sometimes i wonder what's stopping me now. maybe a lack of motivation. or maybe it's that whole non-existent self esteem issue.

i love this episode. if you skip to 3:34, you'll get to this really interesting part. she looks in the mirror and can't find what's wrong with her, then realizes her eyelids are fat. (it's irrational, right? but seriously, wouldn't it be gross if you had fat eyelids?) she gets so skinny her bones rattle when she dances. people think she looks perfect, but they laugh at her bones. am i looking into this too much?

i'm going to get back on the water fasting wagon on sunday. my mother finally noticed i haven't had any of my usual vegan protein packed foodstuff. (it's been about two months now. maybe three.) she offered to buy some. i said no. so right now, i'm going to eat some broccoli. maybe.

maybe i'll feign sickness and watch more daria. it seems like the better option, doesn't it.

honestly.

just when i thought i had you all figured out.

you always think you know someone until they do or say something you don't see coming.

let's say you have choir, and the choir director is crotchety old woman (who really isn't that old). you have reason to believe she hates you. then suddenly she shocks you by smiling at you sincerely. was that not good enough as an example? let me try again.

let's say you make friends easily, but try to keep people at a reasonable distance. you're a bit cynical about your peers especially. you think they're mostly shallow individuals. then you have an off day. even waving to people is hard. you make cruelly sarcastic remarks under your breath whenever someone says something stupid in class. then the kids around you ask if anything's wrong and watch you protectively until class is over. when you try to slip out, one of them gives you a disturbingly comforting hug before letting you leave. is that too specific? damn. okay, i'll try again.

let's say you have a friend who always appeared to be a really innocent person. they always give you expert moral advice and seem to have themselves pretty figured out. then you decide to play the tell me something i don't know game, and you find out that person is secretly an alcoholic. they love being drunk. still not good enough? you guys are never satisfied.

well, i give up.

the fast went well... until i binged on vegetables again. bit depressing, but not half as depressing as yesterday was. my mood went south in about thirty minutes and stayed there for most of the day. apparently people notice things like when you shift to depressed from something that could only be described as manic. so much for pretending to be normal. and i swear, if sunflower seed boy asks me if i'm bipolar again, he's going to suffer.

i'm going to keep at this until it works. fasting, i mean.

while i'm at it, i'm going to try not being sarcastic when people annoy me. instead, i'll just keep it on the inside.

wish me luck. i'm going to need it.

honestly.