smells like teen spirit.

now i know why i have commitment issues. i think people are too quick to jump into relationships sometimes. and then you can't just break up with someone when something better comes along (unless you're a heartless jerkface). it's a long story. well, no it isn't. but i'll save it for another time.

yesterday was wonderful. i got back on the horse. the crazy one without reins that just gallops wherever it wants to. i kept saying things to people like, "the media monkeys and their junky junkies will invite you to the plastic pantomime. throw their invites away." actually, that's from flight of the conchords. but i said things that were really similar to that, i swear. made less sense when i said it, though. so yeah. whenever i'm on this horse, i do things i wouldn't normally. sometimes my skin gets really hot. lots of adrenaline. pure madness. hard as shit to talk to people, though. i mean, it's not like here, where i'm typing and you're reading. my words come out too fast and i'm speaking in metaphor. as opposed to when the horse throws me to the ground and i can't talk to anyone without self-analyzing every word i said. i feel like i was going to say something. uhmmm....

here it is :) i think i'm addicted to water. which is a really weird thing to be addicted to, and i'm not entirely sure when it happened. but whenever i have this metallic kind of taste in my mouth (like right now), i go drink water. and not like, eight fluid ounces or anything. more like thirty four. or sixty eight. yesterday, i drank seventeen ounces before class, thirty four in class, and then another seventeen when class ended. and each time it only took about twenty seconds. if even that much. (the guy next to me was counting. he thought i was some sort of paragon.)

anyway, that's my new thing. i drink water like it's going out of style. and i met this girl who lives in my neighborhood-- she's in my class and lives DOWN THE STREET-- and she said she's addicted to caffeine, and i was like, oh. that's cool. i've also become obsessed with reading labels. just as a pastime. i read labels of foods other people are eating. not too obviously, of course. and i always notice when people are eating now. like, i walked into my first class yesterday and it seemed like half the class was eating. maybe because they were. i was really focused on what they were doing. i feel like such a weirdo, haha. this girl had like this pasta kind of thing for breakfast (obviously, it was morning), and then she pulled out a bottle of water and put it on her desk. and i stared at the water. waiting for her to drink it. she didn't. i was so disappointed.

and math. i've been doing a lot of mental math. and math in class. i don't even have math this year. that reminds me, i have some conversions to look up. and this book came in the mail yesterday. well, two. second star to the right by deborah hautzig (which everyone quotes, so dammit, i'm just gonna read it) and manic, which is by terri cheney who has bipolar disorder. and i think i'm going to reread hurry down sunshine by michael greenberg. his daughter has bipolar disorder. i met him. pretty interesting fellow.

the only problem with this horse is that i can't control it. i'd rather control it than have it control me. (isn't that how we all are?) i can tell when it's going to throw me off, though. everything seems to happen faster. everything is more exciting. and there's this strange tension at the edges of my mind. by then it's only a few hours-- if even that much-- before i'm feeling low again. i like being on the horse though. i can't remember the last time i just felt normal. at least when i'm on the horse, my energy is contagious.

someone once told me i'm like a snort of cocaine.

that's a good thing, in my opinion. it's probably better if people are addicted to me instead, right? haha, forget i said that. i'm going to go do things now. write out my to-do list, so i don't get distracted. sixty eight fluid ounces for breakfast, sixty eight for lunch, sixty eight for dinner, and sixty eight for everything in between. sounds like a lot, but it isn't.

okay, i've got a lot of cleaning to do now. i think i feel bouncy today. like a beach ball in water. or is that buoyant? dunno. doesn't matter. hope you have a nice day too. :)

honestly.