the fine art of making it out alive.

i'm confused.

i'm in a stupor.

i went for a run last night, to clear my mind. i hear running does that to you. my mother objected to it; she said it was too late outside for that. i went anyway. when i got home, chest pounding, my breath coming out in gasps, sweat trickling down the sides of my face, she was ready for me.

"you're so out of control these days."
"yeah, mom? since when. six years?" i asked her because that's when i started noticing the distance between us, something normal mothers and daughters don't have.
"no." she responded quickly, as if she had been waiting a long time to say it. "we always knew you'd be trouble. since you were eight."

we? who do you mean by 'we,' mother dearest? she can't mean papa, i tell myself. papa and i were the best of friends. she's a liar, i decide. then i go to bed.

my dreams were haunted by ghosts. when i woke up in the morning, i was curled in a ball and shivering. chilled to the bone. the icy grip of my nightmare wouldn't let go of me. the feeling followed me to school. i walked around, not completely there. some people noticed. they tried to cheer me up. nothing worked. then suddenly, red was in front of me. tea with honey in one hand, a cigarette in the other. he tried to give me a hug. i backpedaled, fearing human contact. he started talking to me, as if unaware that i'm wasn't responding. he made jokes, he talked about his life, his job, his weekend. he has a cold and it's chilly, i notice. he's standing outside to cheer me up. i felt myself smiling. i pulled it back quickly. then there it was again, a smile on my face. where did it come from, i wonder? how did he know where it was? when he couldn't take the cold anymore, he opened his arms again. "hug?" he asked carefully. i gave him a quick one, then we went our separate ways.

it was as if all the kindness in the world was in that hug. it warmed me up. i noticed it first by the spring in my step. then i noticed i was happier because i was checking out random guys on campus. i couldn't let this good deed go unrewarded. i found him as soon as i could and gave him the biggest hug i could manage. i smiled into his shoulder. "thanks for cheering me up," i mumbled into his jacket.

i had never loved him more than i did right then.

if only the mood swings had just stopped there. my day would have been perfect. but life isn't fair. and i haven't felt like being strong lately. i've just been weak. (food? oh hell yeah, just shove that crap down my throat.) my insignificance is overwhelming. i actually wrote that on something in my school. i hope no one finds it. not that it matters if they did or not. my name isn't on it. i'm covering mirrors, i avoid the scale, i wear my baggiest clothes to school.

i'm so cold. and i've eaten too much. and i need to stay happy. i'm trying so hard.

i've been holding on to that hug all day.

i love you all, too. i read your comments and i just felt worse (i'm sorry) because i didn't deserve it. i don't. and you're still  so kind. i'm trying to stay happy, though, i swear. i'm just so ashamed of myself. but i'm trying. i hope that's good enough for now.

honestly.