i had a friend call me that the other day. my school presented me with a bouquet of flowers for always singing for them, in spite of my obvious hatred of the place and most of its faculty. i told her when they handed it to me, i frowned in confusion and quickly retreated offstage. part of this was because i don't like attention like that (i never know what to do, obviously) and part of it was because i think almost everything is a trap. well, only when it comes from weird places.

someone being nice to me who used to laugh at me for being short in elementary school? it's a trap.

someone asking me if i'd like to hang out, even though we both know he/she can't stand me? it's a trap.

my mother talking to me in a civil tone? it's a trap.

maybe i shouldn't have read the iliad as a child. this trojan horse mindset isn't helping me relax.

the only reason i'm thinking about this now is because i was watching some old intervention episodes. one of the girls was talking about her relationship with her parents and at one point, she glanced off to the side and whispered, i just want them to love me. it was really heartbreaking. but then i started thinking, do i want my mother to love me? i don't think i care anymore. i definitely want her to stop wearing down at my self-esteem and happiness. (years and years of this kind of treatment, not going to end well.)

maybe it's petty but after a lifetime of all the things she's done and said, if she were to suddenly turn to me and apologize, i'd probably frown and walk away. i'm not saying that's the right thing to do (hypothetically, if there is a right thing to do), but i think i'm starting to realize i'm handling this a lot better than my sister might be. i mean, sure, i basically abuse my body and treat myself like crap ninety percent of the time, but as much as i hate the woman, at least i just avoid her. my sister, on the other hand, still makes these halfhearted attempts to be a good daughter. (they have a better relationship on the surface than me and the ol' egg donor. she buys them tickets to go places.) but they argue a whole lot more. i was talking to my sister on tuesday and she basically looked me in the eyes and said, i'm going to treat her kindly because i don't want to end up like her-- a sentiment i understand all too well-- but i'm on the edge of just beating the shit out of her and calling it a day. i'm tired of all of this. i didn't say anything to the last part because it seemed a little extreme to me, but hey, i've been there before. i can't judge her.

either way, i think i realized today that my mother has done so much damage to our relationship that even if she tried to fix it now, she would have to be on her best behavior for the rest of her life for me to attend her funeral for any reason besides making sure she's dead. no matter what she does, or how many times she pretends to be a good mother, i just don't think i care about having a biological mother anymore. i collect older women/mother figures like otakus collect figurines.

am i petty? maybe. but like my sister emphatically told me, it was a learned thing. we weren't always like this.

we used to be more forgiving.