whether or not it's all in my head, it's real, isn't it?

i barely understand myself, although i can be oddly perceptive about other people. so when water bear's mother read my mind last week, i kind of lost it. it felt like she was inside me. which bothers me, because if you couldn't tell, i don't like things inside me. maybe that's why i'm still a virgin. anywho. i should back up.

last week, i slept over at water bear's house, because we were going to play video games and pretend to be normal college girls. we did no such thing. in fact, the second day i slept over-- which was monday-- i was munching away on skittles. skittles used to be my safe food. and i mean totally safe. i was okay with eating skittles in front of people. probably too okay. because it became my nickname. and not just like, close friends call me skittles as a joke; people who only know me for a few days call me skittles. in fact, i'm fairly certain there are people i know who have only ever seen me eat skittles. that being said, i hadn't had any for two weeks before i slept over at her house, and that day at school, owl girl (if you remember her) saw me eating skittles and knew i hadn't had any for a while. and i had like, three other packs in my bag. so she laughed and said, "so now you're on a binge, huh?"

well... yeah, i guess, is what i realized, hours later, sitting on water bear's kitchen floor, a rainbow of skittles in my hand. i was staring at it, confused, i suppose, and she and her mother came over to see what was wrong. probably because i was holding them for ten minutes, and i couldn't bring myself to put them in my mouth. then her mother basically told me i was an addict and that i needed to stop eating skittles. but all i really heard was that i needed to stop eating skittles, because if i was eating it-- and i mean eating it so much that someone thought i could binge on the goddamn things-- then it was food, wasn't it? and if it was food, in that horrible sense, then i shouldn't be eating it. and i pretty much started crying while her mother was talking to me. and not because i wanted to. i was just a whole fucked up ball of emotions. i was angry that i had eaten them in front of people for so long. i was sad, because well, what the hell was i going to eat now? and more than anything else, i was embarrassed, because i was crying-- runny nose, uncontrollable crying-- because of food. in front of people. it freaked me out. haven't touched the stuff since. (i saw a little girl eating them on the train yesterday, and i looked at her with such disgust, i felt horribly guilty and ran onto the platform.)

i won't even get into how i mentioned that in one of my classes this monday, because we were talking about substance abuse-- yes, i considered it substance abuse, but why the hell would any normal person follow that line of thought? yesterday, i had that class again, and i was drinking from a juice box. of course, we were talking about how to have therapy sessions for people with eating disorders, and for a brief moment, i thought my teacher was diagnosing me. it was just the look on her face when she saw me drinking from a 4 oz. juice box. i love this teacher, because she's honest and open about how she's felt about things that i could never be honest or open about. but i don't want to sit in class, learning how to diagnose-- no, i'm sorry, assess-- which disorders a client may have. especially if we're going to practice with each other.

water bear says that most people are too stupid to realize when they're hurting someone, and that if i want people to be more sensitive to how i feel, i need to speak up for myself. but i don't know how to do that. i'm so used to not wanting to be a burden for other people that i'd rather just be a burden for myself, i suppose. it's just easier, i think. people don't want to know your problems. (which, i suppose, leaves me at a loss for words when it comes to blogs.) but i mean people in a general sense. people whose biggest worries are things like grades, what they'll wear on the weekend, maybe where they'll get a job. not that those aren't things to be worried about, but if human emotions are measured by depth, then the emotions related to those things don't even tip the scale for me. sometimes i feel so much that my heart feels pressured and i can't help but crumble to the ground.

on the bright side, it's thanksgiving. i've got lots of books to devour. i've got a bottle of water to wash it all down. i don't have classes, and so i don't have to leave my room unless i want to. i'm thankful for that.



i like sam's butt. (and i despise my mother.)

i heard it would be a good title, and (surprise!) it is.

i don't even need to explain the first half, should be totally obvious why i said it. (and if it isn't, then you suck.)  but i will explain the second part. my mother, unfortunately, has a bad habit of saying "xxxxxxxx is coming over to see you because they haven't seen you in forever, and they didn't tell me when, so be ready for them to come over at any time." they never do, but usually it's someone from the church i used to go to. (if they saw my eight piercings, they'd shit a brick. at the same time. all of them.)

i can't believe they really think i'd go there. they eat lunch together after service. (a congregation, congregating. it used to amuse me.) someone always asks me, though, "do you want something to eat?" psh, no. but then someone else will respond, "how is it you don't eat but you're not even that skinny?" obviously, that's the correct response to someone who doesn't eat often, right? because you're giving me a reason to want to eat again. (sarcasm.) or maybe someone will say, "you should eat something." instead of the other line. but when that happens, they complain-- yes, complain-- to my mother about my unhealthy eating habits. if you see me one day out of seven, you don't know a damn thing about my eating habits. stupid people.

speaking of stupid people, i just don't like most of the people there. the few people i do like always tell me the little kids look up to me-- which, unfortunately, is true, since i'm the only person who uses their brain there, but i'm a terrible influence, so why would you want your children to look up to me?-- and these kids should see me eat healthy food, so they'll eat healthy food too. how about.... no. go be a good parent and spoon-feed 'em their veggies. don't ask me to be a role model. also, i still feel really bad about my little cousin's birthday party. (the one i didn't attend so i wouldn't have to eat cake. or anything, really.) actually, i've been avoiding my little cousin because people keep telling me she looks up to me so much. and she does. it sucks. she's been crying because she misses me. but i can't go see her. i don't want her to look up to me. i'm cool. from a distance. like a house on fire. but get too close, and you're gonna have a bad time. so i avoid her.

speaking of avoiding people so i don't have to eat, that's basically all i've been doing. i just feel like avoiding people in general, though. i had one of those awkward girly moments last night and told my friend i felt gross. (you would too if you had just taken three laxatives because of five crackers.) she said maybe i should juice fast. (again, with responses from other people being totally inappropriate.) i told her i was going to bed, but i didn't tell her it was because she had just told me what my brain was telling me i should do, only with water.

speaking of fasting (look! everything's so connected!), i feel like my brain is shifting into that mode. or maybe my body is finally as disgusted with itself as my brain is. i couldn't even finish a cup of coffee i made this morning. i had to pour it down the drain, because it was virtually untouched three and a half hours later. it's kinda bittersweet, though. it means i'm probably falling back into that state of self-loathing that leads to crawling under my bed, reading semi-depressing books, using bus fare for laxatives, and weighing myself as much as possible and hating myself for even the tiniest changes. actually, back up a little...

speaking of semi-depressing books, i just ordered some today. if i'm going to be home, i'm going to stay in my room and read things at my level of happiness.

random thought: why don't people say "fie on you!" more often? it's a damn good phrase.

actually, just speaking of books, this girl.... let's call her harmony. i caught her reading impulse by ellen hopkins. (i love this woman. and her books. but mostly her, because the books wouldn't exist without her.) and that made me so happy. i love seeing people reading depressing shit. (happy endings? no thank you.) in fact, i love that so much i offered to lend her my entire collection of ellen hopkins's books. (whether she wants to read them or not, i'm going to give them to her. i only offered as a polite way to warn her.)

speaking of girls, i like sam's butt.

and i despise my mother.

now that we've come full circle, (and i can also hold my bladder no longer), away i go.

also, now that we've come full circle, i'm not entirely sure what this post was meant to be about.



trolls, elves and fairies.

my life never ceases to confuse and amaze me. it's been a while, yeah.

about two weeks after school started, i started hanging out with someone i'd known for a while, but never really talked to. i don't even know what kind of nickname i'd give her. the only thing i can say fits is water bear, because she's the toughest person i know. and the water bear is a bad ass little creature. we've spent most of our days every week since the first time we hung out... hanging out. some nights i crash on her couch (either because we're both too high to function or because we're just sleepy), some weekends she comes and sleeps over at my house. the funny thing is, none of this would have happened if we hadn't hung out the first time. she took me to a store where we (somehow) kept getting into conversations about psychological issues. (do you see where this is headed? i hope you do.) turns out she's recovered from an eating disorder. in a manner of speaking. at any rate, it's nice being able to eat packets of mustard with someone who, while realizing it's totally abnormal, thinks it's perfectly fine. the only problem is that she isn't totally comfortable eating around people, so knowing i have food issues makes her that much more uncomfortable eating around me. so usually we have to go our separate ways so she can stick to her schedule and do what normal people do a few times a day. it's funny, she slept over last weekend and i bought a box of cheerios for us to eat for breakfast. it wasn't until about four p.m. that she said, "so, do you want to eat those cheerios now?" (because i totally forgot about breakfast and lunch) and then she told me to pour it for both of us. probably because it was my house and all.

she didn't mean to fuck with my head, i know. but it did. how do you figure out how much food to give someone when you can barely figure that out for yourself? it was awkward, but i did it. we ate together (kind of) so i think we're making progress. oddly enough, though, we'll soon be exercising together. i like that, though. did i mention she's strong enough to give her 200-lb boyfriend piggy back rides? she's like a giant muscle. should be fun.

on another, less eating disorder related note, my mother got rid of my dog. came home one day and found out he was in an adoption shelter an hour away. so... that's something, there. and i got all of the eight piercings i wanted at once, because i was feeling impulsive and indestructible. didn't flinch once. three lobes on both sides, one auricle and a helix on the left. asymmetrical. just like i like things. (the woman who pierced me said i had the most she's ever done at once. the record breaker. that's me.) and i've been doing my homework. in most of my classes.

i haven't actually had time until now to sit down and actually think about all that's been happening. it's odd. not sure if i like it or not. but it is what it is.

anyway, just wanted to say, "hey! i'm okay!" relatively speaking. i hope you've been okay too.

i missed it here, with all of you silly, beautiful people.

can't say i'll be able to post often, because as honest as water bear and i are with each other, i still don't think i'd tell her about my blog. maybe. it isn't like she doesn't know, so it wouldn't change anything, but at the same time, she doesn't need to. you know? hurrr. we'll see. 

as to the trolls, elves and fairies, it's the name of my newest coloring book. (it's really pretty.) it never gets old. and neither do i, mentally. plus it just seemed like a better title than 'whales and dolphins'.